Celebrity NFL PIcks

Today I am introducing something that I intended to start 7 weeks ago:  Celebrity NFL picks.  We had a very successful two week run a while back in my Fantasy Football League and today, I invited one of the celebrity prognosticators back:  Tina Yothers from "Family Ties".  I need to caution you.  From time to time, she thinks that she really is Jennifer Keaton, the 3rd kid in the Keaton Family.  So bear with her.

Without further adieu, I present Tina Yothers:

I have to do this quickly because I have homework and mom will kill me if I don't get it done.

San Francisco is favored by 2.5 over Denver and they are playing in London.   I hear that a lot of gays in San Francisco.  Topical because I just found my mom is a gay [note:  Meredith Baxter, the actress that played Elyse Keaton just admitted that she became a lesbian in 2002].  Due to the transitive property that I learned in my math class, I love gays.  I'll take San Fran.

Dallas at home favored by 6.5 over Jacksonville.  The Jaguars remind me of a lot of my dad's friends from the 1960's, oh oops, those were the Panthers.  Dallas reminds me of the band "Dexy's Midnight Runners", underachievers.  
I'll take Jacksonville.

Detroit at home favored by 2.5 over Washington.  Dan Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, reminds me of Skippy Handelman, such a G*d d&mn nerd!!!!  I'll take Washington, nerds aren't so bad.

The New York Jets at home favored by 6 over Green Bay.  OMG!!!!  Mark Sanchez is sooooo cuuuute!!!!!  Yeah, I have a feeling that Aaron Rodgers is going to get beat up like that bully Adam that I beat up in episode 70:  "Designated Hitter".  I will take Green Bay though. Can somebody let Mark Sanchez know that I need a prom date????

St. Louis at home favored by 2 over Carolina.  The Panthers remind me of my dad's friends from the 60's.  I'll take St. Louis.

Cincinnati at home favored by 1 over Miami.  I mean, we lived in Columbus and when we were trying to find Colonel Crackle and win $5K, we thought he might have been in Cincinnati.   Therefore, I have to take  Cincy.

Kansas City at home favored by 7 over Buffalo.  I think Kansas City Tight End, Tony Moeaki, is mentioned quite a bit in Michael Jackson's song:  "Smooth Criminal" .... "Tony Moeaki, Moeaki, Moeaki Tony"  I love that song.  I'm taking Kansas City.

San Diego at home favored by 4 over Tennessee.  Norv Turner's coaching ability reminds me of my brother Alex nowadays .... really shaky [OMG, that was cold].  This is sooooo crazy but "Tennessee" was a song by the band Arrested Development.  "Arrested Development" was a show starring Mallory's real life brother, Jason Bateman!  OMG, what a small world!  I have to take Tennessee.

Arizona at home favored by 3 over Tampa Bay.  Arizona has a running back named Beanie Wells.  I love Beanie Babies, so I am taking Arizona.

Oakland at home favored by 2.5 over Seattle.  I heard that Oakland qb, Jason Campbell's ex teammates used to call him Lionel Richie.  "Helllooooo"???? I have to take Oakland.  Join me for a second
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Hey Jambo Jumbo
Way to parti o we goin' 
Oh, jambali
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Yeah, Jambo, jumbo

New England at home favored by 5.5 over Minnesota.  Brett Favre texted a pic of his junk to some chick.  Why come nobody texts me pics of their junk?  Now, I'm not insinuating anything, but Favre likes to give balls away to "the other team" with alarmingly frequency.  I will take New England, although I wish Tom Brady's wife made him wear the hairstyle of the Flock of Seagulls.

New Orleans at home favored by 1 over Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh's quarterback Ben Rothlesberger reminds me of Dad's friend Arthur who made a pass at my sister Mallory.  But he also reminds me of my brother Alex playing Monopoly ... he always wins.  I'll take Pittsburgh.

Indianapolis at home favored by 5.5 over Houston.  Peyton Manning reminds me of Mallory's boyfriend, Nick.  Except the only thing that Peyton Manning hasn't tried to sell is light bulbs over the phone like Nick.  I will take Houston.

Ok, see you later, I need to go finish my homework.

Thank you Jennifer, for your picks and I hope you tune in next week for the next Celebrity NFL Picks

Sleep is Underrated

Today is my brother Jay's birthday.  In honor of his birthday as well as the 3 month mark of our second daughter Isla's birth, I make my triumphant return to the blogosphere.  I wanted to take a moment to pay homage to my brother Jay.  I have to say that he is and has been a great role model to follow in the art of fatherhood.  Ok, enough of the mushy stuff.

People around the world have been wondering WTF happened to the KIRITS Blog for the last 3 months.  Well, I can tell you WTF happened.  Like Julius said in "Pulp Fiction", I have been wandering the earth like Caine from "Kung Fu".  However, I have been searching for sleep.  Not just sleep, but UNINTERRUPTED sleep.  Now I know why zombies are such pissed off jerks ... PEOPLE KEEP INTERRUPTING THEIR SLEEP!!!!  [fyi, the zombies in the "Thriller" video were pissed off because MJ woke them all up because he kept clearing his throat]

I have always said sleep is overrated, because you can function with little sleep.  But that sleep can't be broken into compartments.  It needs to be a steady 2-4 hours.  Now, I'm not upset about a lack of uninterrupted sleep.  It goes with the territory.  However, I have become a lot more crabby lately which is not normal for me unless it was a Monday after a Redskins game for the last 20 years.  I seem to be cussing a lot more now too.  In fact, I was sitting on my couch with Ivana and she was eating some dry cereal in a bowl and she knocked the bowl over and I said in a kind voice, "Ivana".  She interrupted me with two words that would really upset a nun:  God D@mmit!   Oh boy, although funny at the time to hear, it probably wouldn't go down in the "proud moments" list.

With two kids now, we have to find that balance in that we can't let them sleep near each other for fear of one waking the other.  It's a delicate balance where if you screw it up, you end up flipping the channels in the family room with Ivana searching for episodes of "Kipper the Dog" and then stumbling across infomercials for the "Shake Weight".  Oh, I have some funny stories about the "Shake Weight" to tell, but you will have to tune in to the blog.  In fact, I have a lot of catching up to do and I hope you will stick with me.   I promise to do my best to keep you entertained.

(Updated 10/31/10 at 12:09 PM)  I wanted to give a quick "sleep" related story.  Last weekend, Anita and I were watching the updated version of "Robin Hood", the one with the Australian guy doing and English accent as opposed to the Kevin Costner version of an American attempting an English accent for one scene and then giving up.  We fell asleep on the couch about an hour or so into it.  When we woke up, I got up but couldn't feel my right leg, so I stumbled down and almost into the tv because my whole leg had fallen asleep. These are the dangers of sleeplessness.

Fear Not

I wanted to drop everyone a line to let you know that everything is ok.  I also wanted to inform you that new posts will be arriving soon as I have a lot of catching up to do.

No More Drama (crude reference to Lebron James' shameless self promotion will follow)

Inspired by Lebron James' self fellation, and subsequent negative reaction from about 99% of humans (the other 1% being his posse), I have decided to quit faux complaining about a lack of readership and posting as often as I can.   Lebron also made me think that we should have our own one hour specials when we make important choices like:  Where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, which Jersey Housewife to hate, etc.  I think you get my drift.  So, in anticipation of our daughter's birth, we decided to produce a one hour special called "The Chosen", where a panel of celebrity interviewers would pose questions to Anita and I regarding our name choice for our baby girl.  BTW, in case you were wondering, People Magazine won the bidding war to publish the first photos of our daughter.  As some of you may know, the name choice has been a closely guarded secret much like Barack Obama's birth certificate that states that he was born in Hades [according to Sean Hannity], or the "666" birthmark on Karl Rove's left butt cheek, or the true circumstances surrounding Elvis' death (TMD, Too Many Donuts) [according to my older brother].

We chose Barbara Walters, Larry King, Ali G and Howard Stern to conduct the interview/host the show because of their excellent celebrity interviewing abilities.  The transcript will follow in my next post.

Don't You Forget About Me

I don't know where we went wrong.  Maybe it was the time that I pretended like I was quitting the blog for an April Fool's joke.  Or could it have been my lack of updates over the last few months?  Either way, less and less people seem to tuning into the blog.  I confess that it has been discouraging at times, ok, most of the time.  But there are times that I find encouragement, like when I see comments or 1 or >1 LOL ratings.

Anita's due date is coming up and we have decided on the name.  I'm not giving clues or saying anything until the baby arrives.  I mean, you people voted against the "Naming the Baby" reality series.  We still have a lot to do including breaking Ivana's will.  She must sense impending doom and possibly the end of her reign as the benevolent ruler of our household.  She really does keep it real in the suburbs.  But when I say "real" i mean "real" like "Real Madrid" the premier soccer league team.  Yeah, I didn't feel like finding the Spanish accent to put over the "a" in "Real"  Are you tired of all the quotations?  Me too, but I allegedly have readers that are teachers and writers and grammar experts.  Ivana also has molars slowing coming in which lead to many "waking up in the middle of the night for 3 or 4 hours" episodes.

I'm going to leave you with the following offer:
If you promise to keep reading, I promise to keep posting and working hard for the >1 LOL's.

Independent Random Thoughts

Do you think that the whole BP oil spill mess was just a well orchestrated payback from England for the beatdown that we gave them in the Revolutionary War?  Hasheesh, they sure are a bunch of sore losers!

We celebrated Independence Day yesterday with our neighbors and we had fun.  Tonight, the Latino family that lives a house down from us were lighting fireworks in their driveway.  They must have been celebrating Cinco de Julio.

Our relatively new next door neighbors came to the 4th of July celebration.  The wife keeps talking about seeing snakes outside.  I haven't had the heart to tell her that I sometimes like to walk around the house naked.  Yeah, that's not a snake.

Do you ever wish that you could call up fictional TV characters for help?  If I could, I would have CTU Agent Jack Bauer on retainer to put a sleeper hold on Ivana when she refuses to nap.

Sorry for the delay in posting, but things at KIRITS have been pretty depressing.  The Blog is feeling the effects of the struggling economy and there have been many layoffs.  I have been told that if readership and/or followers don't increase, I could lose my job.  

Are we human?  Or are we dancer?

Yeah, that was probably weird, but I kind of love putting semi-annoying songs in people's heads.  I think I could listen to Johnny Cash sing his or any other person's songs.  His cover songs that he did before he died were tremendous.  I think he could have even made Starship's "We Built This City" tolerable to me.

I have received exactly zero questions at realkept@gmail.com.  Throw me a bone please!!!!!

Thoughts While Watching K&KTM With the Wife

Ivana is at my parent's house for the night.  It's our first break in a while.  Guess what we're doing?  We are watching Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.   It's causing me physical and mental anguish, but I want to spend some time with my wife.  Guys don't normally admit to doing things like watching a painfully bad reality tv show with their spouses and therefore, do not get the well deserved credit for emasculating themselves in such ways.  Right now, Khloe is whining on the phone with Lakers star and her husband, Lamar Odom.  Give me a minute, I need to bang my head against the wall like 47 times.

Anita went to hang out with her mom and sister, so I got to watch the US vs. Ghana World Cup game in peace.  I decided to multi-task and fold the mountain of clothes that had accumulated in the laundry room while watching the game.  It was a painful loss to Ghana, but I am proud of how well the team performed at this World Cup and even more proud of the support they received from people here.  Also, what made the bitter defeat a little better for me was the fact that the dang clothes are folded now.  Is it just me or were you also surprised at the laziness of people from Ghana?  I mean, how long does it take to get up or run to the sideline or throw the ball in or make a goal kick?????  I know, I am a very sore loser.  Forgive me if I ramble, I am having a tough time focusing while hearing things like "I need to get a bikini wax", "it will be fun ripping Khloe's pubes out one at a time" or "Scott gets his ass bleached?"  If I had a gun, I think I would shoot the tv like Elvis.

I mentioned Anita's pregnancy underwear recently, I know, you probably tried to remove the image from your mind.  Me too, but one time, I was at Target and she asked me to buy her a pair of underwear.  I didn't know how to choose, so I tried to take a picture of it with my camera phone.  Unfortunately, as awesome as the Motorola Droid is, it alas, does not have a panoramic view setting.

Anyway, I will try to post again tomorrow, so please read and forward along to others.  I would love to increase the number of followers and readers.  I also encourage you to post questions and comments to realkept@gmail.com.

Interview With an Umpire (ok, a Referee)

Real Kept Dude snagged an exclusive interview with disgraced World Cup Referee Koman Coulibaly, the ref who stole the game from the entire United States as well as their soccer team.  I have a feeling that Couilabaly agreeing to the interview had more to do with the fact that this blog has the least readership of any major publication in the world then my journalistic expertise.  Either way, we got the interview.  I decided not to ask him the obvious questions because I wanted to get to know the real Koman Coulibaly.  I also wanted to get him comfortable enough to talk about his horrible disgrace.  The interview follows:


Real Kept Dude:  Koman, may I call you "Stupid Idiot"?


Couilabaly:  I prefer "Koman"


Real Kept Dude:  Ok, Koman, I am not going to ask you about the U.S. vs. Slovenia because I am sure you have heard enough about it and will likely cry yourself to sleep for the rest of your life, soooo what is your favorite song?


Coulibaly:  I like Bruce Springsteen's "Blinded by the Light" and the classic "Three Blind Mice"


Real Kept Dude:  Can you name a few of your favorite musicians/artists?


Coulibaly:  I have quite a collection of 8 tracks including:  Blind Faith, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Third Eye Blind and Blind Melon to name a few.


Real Kept Dude:  How about movies, do you have some favorites?

Coulibaly:  I enjoyed Scent of a Woman, The Blind Side, The Miracle Worker, I Am Sam and Nell

Real Kept Dude:  There seems to be common thread in your answers, but I can't put my finger on it.

Coulibaly:  No, I am not gay.

Real Kept Dude:  What is your favorite form of transportation?

Coulibaly:  I like rickshaws as well as those small buses I sometimes see.  Some of them have a name of a school system or something like "Minnieland".

Real Kept Dude:  What are your favorite TV Shows?

Coulibaly:  I enjoy most Fox News shows such as Glenn Beck and Hannity as well as "Jersey Shore", "Real Housewives of New Jersey", "American Idol", "The Celebrity Apprentice", "Project Runway" and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"  Oh, I also love Keith Olberman.

Real Kept Dude:  What will you do with your free time?

Coulibaly:  I am planning a fishing trip with my good friend and fellow ref/umpire:  Jim Joyce.

Real Kept Dude:  Has your refereeing skills improved since you decided to insert your head into your arse for World Cup 2010.

Coulibaly:  I didn't hear the question, my head was in my arse.

Real Kept Dude:  never mind.

Real Kept Dude:  Thank you for your time Koman.  I appreciate it and I am sure my readers will as well.

Coulibaly:  No problem, do you validate parking?

Real Kept Dude:  This was a phone interview.  I don't know where you are parked.

Coulibaly:  Oh, ok.

Are You Going To Go My Way?

I have reached the point in my blogwriting career where I need to ask the question: are my readers prepared to be entertained in a way where they will consider shunning other forms of media?  Is that even possible in a world?  I have been patiently waiting for an audience to build and I have taken steps to try to speed up the process.  It's not that I don't want to entertain the small audience that I have now, but my time is limited as is the reader's time.  There are more important things to do then read a blog or solve an environmental catastrophe.  I mean "Glee" is on as is "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" as well as a new season of that "Blank Shore" show that the kids love.  As Axl Rose so eloquently put it "Just a little patience, yeah, yeah ... I've been walking the streets at night, just tryin' to get it right ..."  I am trying to get it right.  In fact, I was walking the streets [ok, it was my lawn] at night and I saw 3 deer run across the street at the same time my neighbor was driving up to his house.  I don't think he saw the deer in time, so I put up my hands and closed my eyes to focus on making his car stop.  Guess what?  It stopped. So, I not only have super blogwriting skills, but I have super powers to stop moving objects.  The other day I was putting the clothes in the dryer and I stumbled upon an article of clothing that was kind of silky.  I thought it a large scarf, so I studied it further.  Just then, Anita walked into the laundry room and yelled "Jas, that's my underwear!"  Ok, I was just checking if you were still reading.  Am I getting to a point?  Does it matter?  Is it time to really dig in and write to my full entertainment potential?  Time will tell.

Are You Ticklish?

The Keepin' It Real In The Suburbs (KIRITS) blog reached an important milestone.  We had our 1000th unique visitor.  I installed a site counter about 2 weeks after I started the blog and on today, June 13, 2010, we hit 1000 unique visitors.  The site counter is great, it gives me all sorts of information like what sites people came to the blog from as well as what sites they went to after they finished with the blog.  In 4 months, I have discovered that an alarming amount of people that read this blog also seem to enjoy a tickling fetish ....  Just kidding.  The exit site always shows up as the blog site, so no need to be worried.  By the way, it was very difficult to find a picture of tickling that didn't have the appearance of some sort of perversion.  Any way, I wanted to celebrate by introducing everyone to a dance that they may or may not know already know.  It's called ...  "The Potty Dance".  So thank you for visiting and  your continued support ... and goochie goochie goo you pervs!

Confusion

I may have caused some confusion with the poll that I put on the blog.  I asked whether the blog posts were too long, just right or if it really didn't matter.  At the same time, I shortened the length of my posts. Now I don't know if the ... get ready for this ... 4 PEOPLE that are satisfied with the length of the posts are satisfied based on the shorter length or enjoyed the multi-paragraph run on blogs.  So there you have it.  No go vote.  It is your right as citizens of the KIRITS nation.

[Not] Too Much Time On My Hands

We are less than 2 months away from adding to our household, gaining another tax exemption as well as loads of responsibility.  Are we ready?  Hecksticks no!  You know what though?  We will make it work; we always do.  You know why?  Because we are keepin' it real in the suburbs.  I can't believe it's true but this blog has healing powers, it can make your life better and solve all of your problems.  It's odd that people haven't realized it by now.  

We are expecting a girl and have narrowed down the names to just a few.  We have not prepared for the possibility that the doctor might have identified the gender incorrectly.  In fact, when we found out, the technician walked out of the room for a bit and Anita said it is possible that if it's a boy that they might not have been able to see his "junk" due to his genetics.  Ouch, that hurt.  I think everyone is hoping for a girl because at this point, I am sticking to my guns on a boy's name of "The Edge".  I have the distinct feeling that my girl name choices of Josephine Gibbs Vettickal or Alexandra Ovechkin Vettickal will not prevail.


So many things to do before Baby #2.  We need to decide what magazine will publish the first photos.  We have so many offers ...

Heart of Stone

In the course of this last week, our daughter, Ivana  has started taking showers and sleeping in a big girl's bed in her new room.  In the course of that same week, we have learned of her ability to manipulate us with a few simple words:  "Ivana hungry" and "help Ivana".  She uses the "Ivana hungry" when she knows we are about to take her up to go to bed.  "Help Ivana" is a little more complicated.  She uses it when she doesn't want to go to bed or if she is trying to get out of bed.  Last night, we made her sleep in her new room in the big girl bed.  She cried and protested with "help Ivana" for at least 20 minutes, but we decided to follow through and not relent to her crying.   I realized at that point, that the "sleep scheduler, book following cult" must have hearts of stone.  To be able to hear your kid cry for that long and not do anything!  It was difficult, but we knew we had to temporarily turn our hearts to stone.  I also realized, in defense of the "sleep scheduler, book following cult", the kid will still love you when they wake up in the morning.

I'm trying some new things to generate more readers as the facebook thing isn't working out too great.  So bear with me.  I did some research and realized that maybe the posts are too long, so I have a poll out there to see what you all think.

Mailing It In

All [6 of you], 

I wanted to get some questions answered as my last "Mailing it In" blogpost proved to be extremely popular.  I think like 28 people might have read it, which is pretty impressive for this blog.  If you sense sarcasm, you are incorrect.  If so you sense an appearance by the Scotsman, Bitter McBitter, you are absolutely correct.  I would love to have a bigger audience.  In truth, I'm not really bitter.  I know I just need to try harder and hopefully more people will read and even forward the blog to their friends.  Enough bitching and on with the post:

Dear Famous Blogger,


When you entered the playoff beard contest was it coincidence that you also were sporting the playoff mullet?  -D. Bag, Canada.   

Real Kept Dude says:  D. Bag, It couldn't have been a coincidence as I did not have a mullet.  I did have long hair though.  People with thinning hair often poke fun of me when I grow my hair out.  I assume it is out of jealousy, eh?  I have this friend from Canada that I met 24 years ago at a conference.  I believe he had a mullet when I met him.  He was probably trying to emulate his idol, Canadian hockey star, Wayne Gretzky.

To: Famous Blogger

From: Associated Press


Albert Haynesworth claims subliminal messages in your blog led him to knock up the stripper. Care to comment?

Real Kept Dude says:  Hey Ass. Press, Fat Albert couldn't even say the phrase "subliminal messages" without keeling over from losing his breath.  That is a lot of syllables.  Plus, everyone knows that guys in the suburbs aren't dumb enough to knock up strippers.  They are however, dumb enough to knock up their wives.  Before I got married, I really thought that babies came from the stork.  I didn't realize that I would have to degrade myself with certain "acts" ...

To:realkept@gmail.com

From: maps@google.com


Sir we believe that for the sake of accuracy that you should change the blog name to "Rural Reports from HayMarket"

Real Kept Dude says:  I get the "rural" jokes all the time.  I don't find them funny.  You know what I find funny though?  I have this guy friend that gets manicures and pedicures and puts on clear nail polish.  Now that is funny!  We even have nail salons in Haymarket and I bet they have clear nail polish.  

Suburbs Guy, Coach Reid wanted to punish me by sending me to the offensive line-less Redskins.  I know that I'll be getting beat up by defensives.  Should I hire Blackwater to protect me?  Scared Poopless, D. McNabb

Real Kept Dude says:  You really should kick that fat walrus Andy Reid's ass for making you go back to pass 60 times a game.    Don't worry, we have so much confidence in our offensive line and your ability to stay healthy, that we made Rex Grossman your backup QB.  Actually, every time I think of your backup, I really do TOL (Think Out Loud) "Gross man, that's disgusting!"

Kept  Guy, Where should I hide my white hood and robe?   Missin' the Good 'Ol Days, B. McDonnell


Real Kept Dude says:  Don't worry Gov., you won't get roasted and summarily dismissed for your past misdeeds because you weren't coached to speak like "Kenneth" from "30 Rock" in your Republican Response to the State of the Union address.  Plus, since you're not brown, Ann Coulter can't call you an extra from "Slumdog Millionaire".  So buck up and go hang out with your boys and fellow grand wizards like you're Harry Potter.  Calm down righties, I know he wasn't in the KKK.  

Brown Rice, I'm a money-making machine, but I think my jig is coming up soon.  What should I do next?  Socially Unjust, G. Beck


Real Kept Dude says:  I sometimes do "readings" of your books at the local Costco.  They always get a good laugh.  I think you should take your $$$$ and go retire to wherever other fat clowns retire.  Or, you could use your impressive research skills to help with the revisions of the textbooks in Texas.  Or, you could become a spokesman for Massengill and Hefty

Real Kept, If I get an offer from Fox, should I take the job?  Screaming from the Left, K. Olberman


Real Kept Dude says:  Yes, you should because you don't need to be talented to be a Fox News "Personality".  Also, can you just stick to sports and shut up about anything else?  

Kept Dawg, If you were a rapper, what would be your name?  Believ'n in da 'Ol Skool, 8-Track Tape Playa

Real Kept Dude says:  In my gangsta rap band: SNWA, my name is Anoop Doggy Dogg.  You should check out our first album:  Straight Outta Mumbai.  I also wouldn't mind Turbanator X.

Exurbs guy, What will happen and when you meet Ivana's first boyfriend?  What would you advise him?  Second Amendment Rules! Smith N. Wesson


Real Kept Dude says: I have often told people that Ivana is going to be married to God, therefore, a nun.  So if I met God, I would probably be asking him to let me into Heaven.  If she actually ends up having a boyfriend, I would ask him his shoe size and if he likes fishing.

Precious, Would you consider doing a duet with me? Luv Mo' of Me, M. 'Nique

Real Kept Dude says:  Of course Mo'Nique, I would do it in a heartbeat.  Of course it would have to be the Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt classic "I Don't Know Much" and you would need to bring "Precious" for inspiration.

Real Kept Patron, I'm thinking about buying the Cleveland Indians.  I definitely will be changing the logo and signing Maddux, Clemens, Martinez, Glavine, and Cone for more rotation.  (This would be awesome.)  Should I stick with the current ignorant theme or honor real Indians from India, a country with thousands of years of history?  If you think I should honor real Indians, should we change the logo to a dot on our hats?  What do you think about replacing our hats and helmets with turbans?  Cruzin with Cruise, D. Snyder


Real Kept Dude says:  I would go with real Indians from India as the theme and use a stick figure of a guy in front of a computer with a headset.  


Real Kept Dude, How do you feel about the Gore's recent split up?


Real Kept Dude says:  I can't comment at this time.  I am too distraught from  hearing this morning on the "Junkies" that Heidi and Spencer are in splitzville!


Real Smart Guy, What would be your solution to the gushing oil in the Gulf of Mexico?


Real Kept Dude says:  I'm no scientist, but BP stands for British Petroleum, right?  I would remove about 4 teeth from Prince Charles' grill and use them to plug the leak.


All right peeps, that is all the time I have for now.  I will be back soon with another post

Ramble On

Led Zeppelin once sang the words ... "For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way.  Sometimes I grow so tired, but I know I've got one thing I got to do... Ramble on"

Therefore, I am going to do as I always do and follow the words of Led Zeppelin and I'm going to "ramble on" about whatever comes to mind.  It doesn't always end well like the time I bought a stairway to Heaven but it turned out to be a "Little Giant" ladder (although the "Little Giant" has come in handy when I have to put up Anita's gigantic Christmas Trees and wreath).  

What's the deal with the very questionable fashion of wearing pants/jeans BB (Below Butt)?  Do we know who came up with this idiotic trend that has lasted for ages now?  They should be beaten. It has gotten so bad that there is an older guy at the office that has a big gut and kind of resembles the "Jigsaw' dude from the 39 "Saw" movies.  He wears his pants BB.  My jeans tend to fall BB because the scientific name for my butt would be called Gluteus Minimus.  Anita often calls me the "buttless wonder" and advocates "butt implants".  The other day, I was drinking a beer in my front yard with my neighbors.  I happened to have a wine opener/bottle opener in one of the pockets of my gym shorts and my cell in the other pocket.  Two of my female neighbors were chatting across the street.  I secretly was afraid that my gym shorts were going to fall down due to the weight of the items in my pockets as well as the lack of a "butt shelf" to help keep the shorts up.  Luckily that didn't happen, but I was sure to bend my knees cautiously so as to not give the ladies a world premiere of the latest in the "Twilight" series:  "Full Moon".  Yes, you heard it right.  My neighbors and I often drink beers in our front yards or driveways much like they did in the TV Show "King of the Hill".   

My friend was over a few weeks ago and I was grilling in my driveway (can't afford a deck or patio because the advertisers don't pay bloggers with only 10 people reading it regularly).  We had just spent about 5 hours at the local winery.  This friend happens to be one of the many people who are "Suburb Haters".  They are all smug even though almost all of them don't actually live in the city but in a nearby suburb.  I doubt they have wineries down the street from their house though ... bitches!  Anyway, we were standing outside with beers in hand and one of my neighbors came by with a couple of beers for us.  A few moments later, another neighbor came by with beers.  I should pay those guys because it made it look like I was the "Don" of the neighborhood and they were paying homage to me.  Obviously, that is not true, I mean look at me, remember that I am just a regular guy who happens to resemble a goateed Bosc Pear.  Now all of this was after I took my friend to Wegman's and we had a beer at the seafood bar.  I think he went home that night with a better appreciation of what the suburbs has to offer.  Although he will never admit it.  

Do you ever wear disposable contacts way longer than you're supposed to?  Well, I do and it has worked out.  What's weird is that recently, I actually started changing them more often.  For some reason, though, my right contact was bugging me when I was driving in the rain so I started rubbing my eye.  Somehow, I managed to make the contact vanish while I was driving.  So I had one blurry eye and one good eye.  I was blessed with some nice hair, but I think God evened things out by giving me the day vision of a bat and some Wheezy Jefferson lungs.  I made it to my destination and was able to replace the lens with a backup lens that I had brought just in case (I keep like 6,000 things in my pocket).  That same day  I was at the Giant in Gainesville and Stevie Wonder's "Part Time Lover" was playing.  I involuntarily started whistling.  I think when Stevie Wonder songs are playing you automatically either sing it, or hum it or whistle it.  My point was proven when I heard this middle aged white dude humming the song as we crossed paths.  

Sometimes I wonder if I need to grow up a bit. The other day, I was at the store and I came across a t shirt with a jersey number and name of a former Yankee pitcher.  I happened to like him but I bought the t shirt for only one reason:  his last name is "Wang".  It also reminded me of audio that the "Sports Junkies" played about an ailment that current Yankees pitcher, Chan Ho Park had.  

I probably need to grow up also because sometimes I giggle out loud (GOL) when I type my last name really fast and I accidentally type "Vetitckal". All right, on that note I am done rambling ... for now.

It's 3 AM I Must Be Lonely ...

Rob Thomas once sang "It's 3 AM I must be lonely" before he became a solo pop star.  Well, right now it's 3 AM and I'm actually not lonely.  I am awake with Ivana and Anita.  Ivana has finally settled on Sesame Street to watch after briefly tormenting us with that purple dinosaur.  Seriously, why did scientists even study why dinosaurs became extinct????  The effeminate purple T-Rex ruined it for all the dinosaurs.  They were more likely the victims of hate crimes by those jocks, the saber toothed tigers.  BTW, is it a universal reaction with adults when they see Barney that they want to assault him?  Yesterday, this guy at work started doing a Barney impression during a meeting and I almost jumped across the table and punched him.  Ok, moving on ...

A few months ago, people were talking about/fascinated with the movie "Paranormal Activity".  I wish I could have filmed Anita and I sleeping with our "suitemate".  We could have made millions!  I think both Anita levitate on the side of the bed at least once a night due to Ivana pushing us off the bed.  Sometimes I will feel sharp pain in my ribs during the day.  My self diagnosis always points to bruised ribs from being kicked in the middle of the night.  We are lucky that we are expecting already because I sure that one of these days my nads will fall victim to a precise and swift kick.  Rambling about to ensue ...


Ok, Ivana is still wide awake and at this point it's 3:47 AM.  I am wearing my nerdy black plastic coke bottle Malcolm X glasses.  Nathan Lane is singing with some puppet pigs on Sesame Street.  I am going to punch him.  Sometimes I take the trash out in the morning and I have my nerdy glasses on and some crazy sleep outfit on like gym shorts and a poncho with black socks and flip flops.  When I see a car drive by or a neighbor getting their newspaper, I get so embarassed.  I wonder how confused they must be when they see me later in the day returning from work in my highly fashionable dark polo shirt and khaki pants looking handsome and debonair like I came straight out of a magazine shoot .... for Home Depot.
Is it just me, or is "Mr. Noodle" from Sesame Street kind of creepy?  I have heard that sometimes people call their "junk" a noodle.  Ok, maybe it's just me like when I have had a few too many drinks like in

Tummy, Tummy Why You Buggin'?.  In that situation I would refer to it as a Thai dish.

All right, I think I am going to have to make an attempt to haul Ivana back upstairs.  Just FYI, with the continued poor ratings of this blog, my editors are considering outsourcing the writing.  Personally, I can't take the rejection.  It keeps me up at night watching kids shows.  Still love you guys though

Message in the Bathroom

Jeez people!  The rating for my last post were awful.  I think there were only 38 pageloads since I posted it last Friday and at least 34 of them were from my brother in Indiana.  I mean, he lives in Indiana, what else is he going to do?  Just kidding, please don't beat me up.   My sister told me that I was "slipping" about 4 weeks ago.  Is it true????  No new followers either.

I went to the Pearl Jam concert on Thursday night at the newly named venue Jiffy Lube Live (formerly Nissan Pavilion).  Throughout my almost 38 years on this earth, I have loved singing songs whether in the car or in the shower or wherever.  Since I mentioned Jiffy Lube I have to confess that I have caught myself singing the "You're good to your car so your can be gooood to you, Jiffy Lube, every 3,000 miles just bring it into Jiffy Lube".  I also happen to enjoy beatboxing and a glass of cabernet on a summer evening.  During that same timeframe, I have made up all sorts of new words to replace lyrics that I didn't quite understand.  I know people have done the same including somebody who thought the Police song:  "Message in a Bottle" was "Message in the Bathroom".  I heard somebody sing "Salami" for the Police song:  "So Lonely".  Steve Miller's "Jet Airliner" often gets confused with "Jed and Lionel" as in "big old Jed and Lionel, don't carry me too far away ..."  If you recall, I first learned of the fascinating word "douche" when I heard Bruce Springsteen singing "Cut loose like a deuce" in his song "Blinded by the Light".

The reason I brought up the Pearl Jam concert is that I looooove to sing along at concerts.  However, I have a little tougher time at Pearl Jam concerts because sometimes Eddie Vedder recites run on lyrics as in "Freezin'restshisheadonapillowmadeofconcrete" from the song "Even Flow".  A few lines later in that song Eddie Vedder sings  "Ohdarkgrinhecan'thelpwhenhe'shappylooksinsane".  However, I sing it "Oh darken he can hell up in he looksizhay "  I truly believe I have created a new language when I try to sing my favorite Pearl Jam song "Yellow Ledbetter".  I start singing:  "On a veelin' on poor sawna letter sain" as in (real lyrics) "Unsealed on a porch a letter sat".   I am too embarassed to go on with what I sing after the first line in that song but let's just say it is 95% gibberish and 5% English.   I have included a Youtube link with the song with "interpretive lyrics" flashing on the screen.  Please enjoy.

My point is that even if you don't know the lyrics, please continue wailing away in your cars and/or showers.  Because as John Mellencamp said in "Jack and Diane" .... "Don't let it rock, let it roll, let the Taco Bell come and save my soul."

Please feel free to comment or ask a question at realkept@gmail.com.

Here are the real lyrics to Yellow Ledbetter as well as a link to a site about misheard lyrics ...

Unsealed, on a porch a letter sat
Then you said I wanna leave it again
Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand
And on the sand I wanna leave it again yeah
On a weekend I wanna wish it all away yeah
And they called and I said that I want what I said
Then I call out again
And the reason oughta leave her calm I know
I said I know what I wear not the boxer or the bag

Ah yeah can you see them
Out on the porch yeah but they don't wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know and I know I don't want to stay

Make me cry

I see ooh I don't know why there's something else
I wanna go my own a-way
I said I don't I don't know whether I was the boxer or the bag

Ah yeah can you see them
Out on the porch yeah but they don't wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know and I know I don't wanna stay at all

I don't wanna stay yeah
I don't wanna stay-ee
I don't wanna stay
I don't, don't wanna oh
Yeah
Ooh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh oh oh oh oh


Misheard Lyrics