Mailing It In

All [6 of you], 

I wanted to get some questions answered as my last "Mailing it In" blogpost proved to be extremely popular.  I think like 28 people might have read it, which is pretty impressive for this blog.  If you sense sarcasm, you are incorrect.  If so you sense an appearance by the Scotsman, Bitter McBitter, you are absolutely correct.  I would love to have a bigger audience.  In truth, I'm not really bitter.  I know I just need to try harder and hopefully more people will read and even forward the blog to their friends.  Enough bitching and on with the post:

Dear Famous Blogger,


When you entered the playoff beard contest was it coincidence that you also were sporting the playoff mullet?  -D. Bag, Canada.   

Real Kept Dude says:  D. Bag, It couldn't have been a coincidence as I did not have a mullet.  I did have long hair though.  People with thinning hair often poke fun of me when I grow my hair out.  I assume it is out of jealousy, eh?  I have this friend from Canada that I met 24 years ago at a conference.  I believe he had a mullet when I met him.  He was probably trying to emulate his idol, Canadian hockey star, Wayne Gretzky.

To: Famous Blogger

From: Associated Press


Albert Haynesworth claims subliminal messages in your blog led him to knock up the stripper. Care to comment?

Real Kept Dude says:  Hey Ass. Press, Fat Albert couldn't even say the phrase "subliminal messages" without keeling over from losing his breath.  That is a lot of syllables.  Plus, everyone knows that guys in the suburbs aren't dumb enough to knock up strippers.  They are however, dumb enough to knock up their wives.  Before I got married, I really thought that babies came from the stork.  I didn't realize that I would have to degrade myself with certain "acts" ...

To:realkept@gmail.com

From: maps@google.com


Sir we believe that for the sake of accuracy that you should change the blog name to "Rural Reports from HayMarket"

Real Kept Dude says:  I get the "rural" jokes all the time.  I don't find them funny.  You know what I find funny though?  I have this guy friend that gets manicures and pedicures and puts on clear nail polish.  Now that is funny!  We even have nail salons in Haymarket and I bet they have clear nail polish.  

Suburbs Guy, Coach Reid wanted to punish me by sending me to the offensive line-less Redskins.  I know that I'll be getting beat up by defensives.  Should I hire Blackwater to protect me?  Scared Poopless, D. McNabb

Real Kept Dude says:  You really should kick that fat walrus Andy Reid's ass for making you go back to pass 60 times a game.    Don't worry, we have so much confidence in our offensive line and your ability to stay healthy, that we made Rex Grossman your backup QB.  Actually, every time I think of your backup, I really do TOL (Think Out Loud) "Gross man, that's disgusting!"

Kept  Guy, Where should I hide my white hood and robe?   Missin' the Good 'Ol Days, B. McDonnell


Real Kept Dude says:  Don't worry Gov., you won't get roasted and summarily dismissed for your past misdeeds because you weren't coached to speak like "Kenneth" from "30 Rock" in your Republican Response to the State of the Union address.  Plus, since you're not brown, Ann Coulter can't call you an extra from "Slumdog Millionaire".  So buck up and go hang out with your boys and fellow grand wizards like you're Harry Potter.  Calm down righties, I know he wasn't in the KKK.  

Brown Rice, I'm a money-making machine, but I think my jig is coming up soon.  What should I do next?  Socially Unjust, G. Beck


Real Kept Dude says:  I sometimes do "readings" of your books at the local Costco.  They always get a good laugh.  I think you should take your $$$$ and go retire to wherever other fat clowns retire.  Or, you could use your impressive research skills to help with the revisions of the textbooks in Texas.  Or, you could become a spokesman for Massengill and Hefty

Real Kept, If I get an offer from Fox, should I take the job?  Screaming from the Left, K. Olberman


Real Kept Dude says:  Yes, you should because you don't need to be talented to be a Fox News "Personality".  Also, can you just stick to sports and shut up about anything else?  

Kept Dawg, If you were a rapper, what would be your name?  Believ'n in da 'Ol Skool, 8-Track Tape Playa

Real Kept Dude says:  In my gangsta rap band: SNWA, my name is Anoop Doggy Dogg.  You should check out our first album:  Straight Outta Mumbai.  I also wouldn't mind Turbanator X.

Exurbs guy, What will happen and when you meet Ivana's first boyfriend?  What would you advise him?  Second Amendment Rules! Smith N. Wesson


Real Kept Dude says: I have often told people that Ivana is going to be married to God, therefore, a nun.  So if I met God, I would probably be asking him to let me into Heaven.  If she actually ends up having a boyfriend, I would ask him his shoe size and if he likes fishing.

Precious, Would you consider doing a duet with me? Luv Mo' of Me, M. 'Nique

Real Kept Dude says:  Of course Mo'Nique, I would do it in a heartbeat.  Of course it would have to be the Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt classic "I Don't Know Much" and you would need to bring "Precious" for inspiration.

Real Kept Patron, I'm thinking about buying the Cleveland Indians.  I definitely will be changing the logo and signing Maddux, Clemens, Martinez, Glavine, and Cone for more rotation.  (This would be awesome.)  Should I stick with the current ignorant theme or honor real Indians from India, a country with thousands of years of history?  If you think I should honor real Indians, should we change the logo to a dot on our hats?  What do you think about replacing our hats and helmets with turbans?  Cruzin with Cruise, D. Snyder


Real Kept Dude says:  I would go with real Indians from India as the theme and use a stick figure of a guy in front of a computer with a headset.  


Real Kept Dude, How do you feel about the Gore's recent split up?


Real Kept Dude says:  I can't comment at this time.  I am too distraught from  hearing this morning on the "Junkies" that Heidi and Spencer are in splitzville!


Real Smart Guy, What would be your solution to the gushing oil in the Gulf of Mexico?


Real Kept Dude says:  I'm no scientist, but BP stands for British Petroleum, right?  I would remove about 4 teeth from Prince Charles' grill and use them to plug the leak.


All right peeps, that is all the time I have for now.  I will be back soon with another post