The best blog in the known universe regarding the important subject of keepin' it real in the suburbs. Be forewarned, politickle incorrectalarity may occur.
It's the beginning of the awards season and I thought I would try to do a live blog. Ricky Gervais will be hosting, which will likely be pretty funny and uncomfortable for those Hollywood blowhards.
7:58 PM: Some British chick named Alexa judging celebrities fashion on the red carpet while wearing a red housecoat (may be in fashion, but looks like a housecoat to me)
8:00 PM: Ricky Gervais in da house and takes a sip of beer. Love it, he starts off by skewering Charlie Sheen. Ok, he definitely took it easy on him
8:03 PM: First time he gets bleeped out AND a Tom Cruise is gay joke!!!!!!
8:05 PM: I am going to have to rewind. Ricky Gervais' accent is thicker than I thought it was
8:06 PM: Anita thinks Scarlett Johansson looks like the Bride of Frankenstein in her dress
8:07 PM: Jesus, I mean Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor
8:07 PM: Anita loves Christian Bale even more now that she hears his accent
8:09 PM: Orchestra might be scared to start playing during Christian Bale's acceptance speech. He may attack all of them.
8:10 PM: He just got bleeped out after he said something about Robert Deniro. Would love to know what he said.
8:10 PM: Ladies Love Cool James, including my wife
8:11 PM: Al Bundy is happy for Peggy's Best Supporting Actress in a TV series win
8:13 PM: The orchestra guys are a bunch of douches
8:16 PM: Jeez, what are you wearing Julianne Moore???
8:21 PM: Worst acceptance speech ever. You're in America man, learn English! 8:24 PM: Gay kid from Glee won!!!! Great acceptance speech. Take that high school bullies like Paul Singh!
8:28 PM: Holy ish! Gwen Stefani is soooo white. I just imagined my printer paper with some lipstick on it and looked at it longingly.
8:30 PM: I guess they want to end Parks and Recreation which is why they added Rob "Show Killer" Lowe
8:32 PM: I didn't know John Lithgow was the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press
8:39 PM: Listen, Marky Mark should use all his fame and fortune to destroy all copies of his "rap music". And yes, that includes "Good Vibrations"
I was really going to try to do this for the whole show, but I have become OBR (Overcome By Responsibilities). I will try again for the next award show.
I recently achieved a few major milestones in my life. I performed "Hakuna Matata" and "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" for the 1000th time each for my daughter Ivana. She insists that I sing with her by saying "Daddy, sing me". Of course, I oblige and sing every part including Pumbaa, Timon, young Simba and adult Simba as well as Zazu, who was played my the same guy that played "Mr. Bean". It is quite the tour de force. It is a little enjoyable for me as well as I get to use my hack British accent while performing. I think sometimes, as parents we try to appease our children's requests in a half-hearted manner. Ivana, however, demands enthusiasm at all times. She will make me restart if I "mail it in".
These performances made me think about some of these kids movies. When "The Lion King" first came out, I was not a big fan because I thought that Matthew Broderick's adult Simba voice was way too wimpy to be the king of jungle. I mean, his dad was Mufasa, played my James Earl Jones. How did Mufasa have a kid with the wimpiest voice ever???? I mean it's different if you're playing Ferris Bueller, a high school kid, but c'mon Broderick! Then I think about Mufasa's brother, Scar, who was played by Jeremy Irons. What were Mufasa and Scar's parents thinking when they named one son "Mufasa" and the other "Scar"?? Did they think that the kid named after the mark that remains after a wound, wouldn't be resentful and hate his brother? I don't blame Scar for being such a douche.
Anyway, Ivana recently started watching "The Little Mermaid". I know it can't be just Ivana, but kids love to watch the same movie over and over and over. Upon one of the screenings of the Little Mermaid, I noticed that Ariel was just 16 years old [um, she was pretty "well developed" for 16]. That means the Prince, who looked like he was 35 was seriously robbing the cradle. Did the writers not think of this? Also, Ursula, the Sea Witch looks like Paula Deen. She should have just fried some shrimp and traded that deliciousness for Ariel's voice.
I am going to stop now as I have a deadline. Happy New Year everyone and keep it real in 2011.
Today I am introducing something that I intended to start 7 weeks ago: Celebrity NFL picks. We had a very successful two week run a while back in my Fantasy Football League and today, I invited one of the celebrity prognosticators back: Tina Yothers from "Family Ties". I need to caution you. From time to time, she thinks that she really is Jennifer Keaton, the 3rd kid in the Keaton Family. So bear with her.
Without further adieu, I present Tina Yothers:
I have to do this quickly because I have homework and mom will kill me if I don't get it done.
San Francisco is favored by 2.5 over Denver and they are playing in London. I hear that a lot of gays in San Francisco. Topical because I just found my mom is a gay [note: Meredith Baxter, the actress that played Elyse Keaton just admitted that she became a lesbian in 2002]. Due to the transitive property that I learned in my math class, I love gays. I'll take San Fran.
Dallas at home favored by 6.5 over Jacksonville. The Jaguars remind me of a lot of my dad's friends from the 1960's, oh oops, those were the Panthers. Dallas reminds me of the band "Dexy's Midnight Runners", underachievers.
I'll take Jacksonville.
Detroit at home favored by 2.5 over Washington. Dan Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, reminds me of Skippy Handelman, such a G*d d&mn nerd!!!! I'll take Washington, nerds aren't so bad.
The New York Jets at home favored by 6 over Green Bay. OMG!!!! Mark Sanchez is sooooo cuuuute!!!!! Yeah, I have a feeling that Aaron Rodgers is going to get beat up like that bully Adam that I beat up in episode 70: "Designated Hitter". I will take Green Bay though. Can somebody let Mark Sanchez know that I need a prom date????
St. Louis at home favored by 2 over Carolina. The Panthers remind me of my dad's friends from the 60's. I'll take St. Louis.
Cincinnati at home favored by 1 over Miami. I mean, we lived in Columbus and when we were trying to find Colonel Crackle and win $5K, we thought he might have been in Cincinnati. Therefore, I have to take Cincy.
Kansas City at home favored by 7 over Buffalo. I think Kansas City Tight End, Tony Moeaki, is mentioned quite a bit in Michael Jackson's song: "Smooth Criminal" .... "Tony Moeaki, Moeaki, Moeaki Tony" I love that song. I'm taking Kansas City.
San Diego at home favored by 4 over Tennessee. Norv Turner's coaching ability reminds me of my brother Alex nowadays .... really shaky [OMG, that was cold]. This is sooooo crazy but "Tennessee" was a song by the band Arrested Development. "Arrested Development" was a show starring Mallory's real life brother, Jason Bateman! OMG, what a small world! I have to take Tennessee.
Arizona at home favored by 3 over Tampa Bay. Arizona has a running back named Beanie Wells. I love Beanie Babies, so I am taking Arizona.
Oakland at home favored by 2.5 over Seattle. I heard that Oakland qb, Jason Campbell's ex teammates used to call him Lionel Richie. "Helllooooo"???? I have to take Oakland. Join me for a second Tam bo li de say de moi ya Hey Jambo Jumbo Way to parti o we goin' Oh, jambali Tam bo li de say de moi ya Yeah, Jambo, jumbo
New England at home favored by 5.5 over Minnesota. Brett Favre texted a pic of his junk to some chick. Why come nobody texts me pics of their junk? Now, I'm not insinuating anything, but Favre likes to give balls away to "the other team" with alarmingly frequency. I will take New England, although I wish Tom Brady's wife made him wear the hairstyle of the Flock of Seagulls.
New Orleans at home favored by 1 over Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh's quarterback Ben Rothlesberger reminds me of Dad's friend Arthur who made a pass at my sister Mallory. But he also reminds me of my brother Alex playing Monopoly ... he always wins. I'll take Pittsburgh.
Indianapolis at home favored by 5.5 over Houston. Peyton Manning reminds me of Mallory's boyfriend, Nick. Except the only thing that Peyton Manning hasn't tried to sell is light bulbs over the phone like Nick. I will take Houston.
Ok, see you later, I need to go finish my homework.
Thank you Jennifer, for your picks and I hope you tune in next week for the next Celebrity NFL Picks
Today is my brother Jay's birthday. In honor of his birthday as well as the 3 month mark of our second daughter Isla's birth, I make my triumphant return to the blogosphere. I wanted to take a moment to pay homage to my brother Jay. I have to say that he is and has been a great role model to follow in the art of fatherhood. Ok, enough of the mushy stuff.
People around the world have been wondering WTF happened to the KIRITS Blog for the last 3 months. Well, I can tell you WTF happened. Like Julius said in "Pulp Fiction", I have been wandering the earth like Caine from "Kung Fu". However, I have been searching for sleep. Not just sleep, but UNINTERRUPTED sleep. Now I know why zombies are such pissed off jerks ... PEOPLE KEEP INTERRUPTING THEIR SLEEP!!!! [fyi, the zombies in the "Thriller" video were pissed off because MJ woke them all up because he kept clearing his throat]
I have always said sleep is overrated, because you can function with little sleep. But that sleep can't be broken into compartments. It needs to be a steady 2-4 hours. Now, I'm not upset about a lack of uninterrupted sleep. It goes with the territory. However, I have become a lot more crabby lately which is not normal for me unless it was a Monday after a Redskins game for the last 20 years. I seem to be cussing a lot more now too. In fact, I was sitting on my couch with Ivana and she was eating some dry cereal in a bowl and she knocked the bowl over and I said in a kind voice, "Ivana". She interrupted me with two words that would really upset a nun: God D@mmit! Oh boy, although funny at the time to hear, it probably wouldn't go down in the "proud moments" list.
With two kids now, we have to find that balance in that we can't let them sleep near each other for fear of one waking the other. It's a delicate balance where if you screw it up, you end up flipping the channels in the family room with Ivana searching for episodes of "Kipper the Dog" and then stumbling across infomercials for the "Shake Weight". Oh, I have some funny stories about the "Shake Weight" to tell, but you will have to tune in to the blog. In fact, I have a lot of catching up to do and I hope you will stick with me. I promise to do my best to keep you entertained.
(Updated 10/31/10 at 12:09 PM) I wanted to give a quick "sleep" related story. Last weekend, Anita and I were watching the updated version of "Robin Hood", the one with the Australian guy doing and English accent as opposed to the Kevin Costner version of an American attempting an English accent for one scene and then giving up. We fell asleep on the couch about an hour or so into it. When we woke up, I got up but couldn't feel my right leg, so I stumbled down and almost into the tv because my whole leg had fallen asleep. These are the dangers of sleeplessness.
I wanted to drop everyone a line to let you know that everything is ok. I also wanted to inform you that new posts will be arriving soon as I have a lot of catching up to do.
Inspired by Lebron James' self fellation, and subsequent negative reaction from about 99% of humans (the other 1% being his posse), I have decided to quit faux complaining about a lack of readership and posting as often as I can. Lebron also made me think that we should have our own one hour specials when we make important choices like: Where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, which Jersey Housewife to hate, etc. I think you get my drift. So, in anticipation of our daughter's birth, we decided to produce a one hour special called "The Chosen", where a panel of celebrity interviewers would pose questions to Anita and I regarding our name choice for our baby girl. BTW, in case you were wondering, People Magazine won the bidding war to publish the first photos of our daughter. As some of you may know, the name choice has been a closely guarded secret much like Barack Obama's birth certificate that states that he was born in Hades [according to Sean Hannity], or the "666" birthmark on Karl Rove's left butt cheek, or the true circumstances surrounding Elvis' death (TMD, Too Many Donuts) [according to my older brother].
We chose Barbara Walters, Larry King, Ali G and Howard Stern to conduct the interview/host the show because of their excellent celebrity interviewing abilities. The transcript will follow in my next post.
I don't know where we went wrong. Maybe it was the time that I pretended like I was quitting the blog for an April Fool's joke. Or could it have been my lack of updates over the last few months? Either way, less and less people seem to tuning into the blog. I confess that it has been discouraging at times, ok, most of the time. But there are times that I find encouragement, like when I see comments or 1 or >1 LOL ratings.
Anita's due date is coming up and we have decided on the name. I'm not giving clues or saying anything until the baby arrives. I mean, you people voted against the "Naming the Baby" reality series. We still have a lot to do including breaking Ivana's will. She must sense impending doom and possibly the end of her reign as the benevolent ruler of our household. She really does keep it real in the suburbs. But when I say "real" i mean "real" like "Real Madrid" the premier soccer league team. Yeah, I didn't feel like finding the Spanish accent to put over the "a" in "Real" Are you tired of all the quotations? Me too, but I allegedly have readers that are teachers and writers and grammar experts. Ivana also has molars slowing coming in which lead to many "waking up in the middle of the night for 3 or 4 hours" episodes.
I'm going to leave you with the following offer:
If you promise to keep reading, I promise to keep posting and working hard for the >1 LOL's.
8:24 PM: Gay kid from Glee won!!!! Great acceptance speech. Take that high school bullies like Paul Singh!
