Naming Conventions

In keeping up with this blog's tradition of recognizing emerging entertainment trends, The Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Executive Team is announcing something so stupendous, that you may not be able to handle it:  a NEW REALITY BLOG (for now).

Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Studios Presents, in association with Fat Bastard Productions, in partnership with M Night Shamalamadingdong:

Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Naming the Baby!!!!   A new reality blog (for now) that will chronicle the trials and tribulations in the Haymarket Vettickal Household relating to the naming of their baby with audience participation in the form of voting on names.

I am in talks with Anita about whether she will let me turn it into a Web Video series.  I am going to need my reader's support in convincing her.  More readers and followers would mos def sell the cause.  If WE are able to convince her, I think my cousin, M Night Shamalamadingdong will consider directing the Web Video series.   Although, I am not too pleased with the "surprise ending" in the film he directed of Ivana's birth .... [I knew the gardener seemed to be spending a little too much time around the house, i mean the landscaping looked like "Edward Scissorhands" had been there].

Don't forget to send in your questions by tomorrow night to realkept@gmail.com.  I have like 47 questions so far and I plan to answer every single one of them.

I leave you with this ....

Housekeeping

We appear to have a winner of the 1 billionth pageload contest. However, they are from Canada, where they already have universal healthcare. They will have settle for term limits for members of US Congress which will hopefully occur some time this century.  In the meantime, I offer you this:

Don't forget to send me comments or questions to realkept@gmail.com. I will be doing first Q&A blogpost on Wednesday, so please send me questions and I will post them along with my answers. Please send by 11:59 PM on Tuesday.

My sponsors have cancelled anymore discussion/flashbacks of when Anita and I first met or the courship due to terrible ratings (the viewership of the last post in that series was the lowest of all time at the Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Blog).  Please forgive me.  I was feeling giddy from hitting our 7th year anniversary.  FYI, I have not experienced the so called "seven year itch". I'm not sure what that term refers to, but I am assuming it means contracting "crabs" from "stepping out" after being married 7 years.  So far, so good for me!

Finally, another major announcement coming in tomorrows brand new post so stay tuned.  By the way, in case you didn't know, the picture at the beginning of the post is Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi getting a facelift.

No Surprises

The other morning when we were getting ready to get out the door in the morning, Anita busted me.  I was chasing Ivana around the kitchen, trying to get her jacket on and a commercial came on for Mercury.  A while back, there were these Mercury commercials that featured a woman talking about all the great features of the Mercury vehicles.  Um, it kind of almost convinced me to buy a Mercury.  Then this woman disappeared from the commercials for a while.  She has apparently returned to the commercials and she happened to be in the commercial that I happened to look up at while chasing Ivana around the kitchen.  My eagle eye wife busted me in an instant.


The truth is that all guys are POI'sPervs On the Inside).  We try to suppress it as much as possible, but sometimes we just can't control it and will slip for an instant.  The other universal truth is that wives have SPDA (Supernatural Perv Detecting Ability).  Anita got mad at me one morning because she had a dream that I had another kid from another woman.  In her dream, she did math to determine that the kid was young enough to have been born during our marriage.  I wasn't concerned about her crazy dream because another universal truth is that women be crazy.  However, the only question I asked her was if the "other woman" in the dream was "hot".  Now before you get all upset, women need to admit that they sometimes think the same way.  How many of you women can say that they haven't lingered in looking at images of say, Bradley Cooper or David Beckham.  We were watching the hilarious new show "Modern Family" and there was a guest appearance by Benjamin Bratt.  I happened to look over at Anita during a scene with Benjamin Bratt and she had a smile on her face and a thought cloud above her head that said "hey baby, you fiiiiiiine".


So you wonder why I'm talking about all this stuff.  On Wednesday, we found out the gender of the baby we are expecting.  When the Sonogram Tech told us, we were very happy.  However, a few minutes later, I began to think that I am going to have two daughters!  Two daughters that will someday have to deal with POI's.  I am really going to have make strong push towards the nunnery.  Ivana does like penguins ...

I'm Jack Bauer and I'll Smack Your Terrorist Butt (spoiler alert: don't read if you are not caught up with season 8)

We have been watching the show "24" for about 6 years now.  We caught up on the first two seasons with Netflix.  We have been hooked since the first time we saw it.  We are now in season 8 and tonight is the 13th hour.  If you haven't watched "24" you are really missing out.  I know it can be a little over the top with the silly side stories and unbelievable fast pace, but it's literally can't miss TV for 24 straight Mondays every year.  Season 13 involves more Indian guys playing the roles of terrorists on U.S. soil.  Anil Kapoor, who played the "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" host in "Slumdog Millionaire", plays the President of the Islamic Republic.  He seems to get betrayed by everyone close to him.  It's sad, that if you are an aspiring actor of Indian descent, your options are to be a terrorist on "24", a screw up intern on "Scrubs" turned screw up local gov't worker on "Parks and Recreation" or even a doctor with a British accent on "ER".

All times are "24" time
4:00 AM:  CTU hit by an EMP.  They are probably the worst run Counter Terrorist organization ever.  Bubba Gump is playing the CTU Director ... figures
4:01 AM:  First Dana Walsh sighting.  So frickin' annoying.  She reminds me of a pouty Ann Coulter.
4:03 AM:  Hero Jack Bauer is driving Freddie Prinze Jr. around NYC and calling in favors
4:04 AM:  Terrorist meeting in an abandoned warehouse area.  Weird, I don't see any hookah pipes or kabobs
4:06 AM:  Daughter of Islamic Republic President still believes her boyfriend Tarun is good, but based on the last two episodes, the only thing he maybe good at (to her) is in bed.  he also has like a 14 pack of abs.  I didn't notice, but I do believe Anita noticed.
4:08 AM:  Shocked that one of the terrorists is named "Ali"
4:08 AM:  Jack and FP Jr. have night vision and are about to get blown up
4:10 AM:  Jack and FP Jr. getting shot at from all angles, yet are evading in their SUV.  SUV not starting now.  Jack FP Jr. and young kid CTU agent are fighting back.
4:11 AM:  Tarun recognizes that they are up against Jack Bauer, one of CTU's best agents.  Really Tarun????? "One of the best agents"????
4:12 AM:  Tarun and lead terrorist are escaping on motor boat.
4:12 AM:  Commercial break; Hot Tub Time Machine yeah!
4:16 AM:  Arlo, the CTU nerdy horndawg analyst briefs Bubba.  I think Bubba is wondering what kind of shrimp he should sell when he gets fired from CTU
4:17 AM:  NSA is here to help and it appears a pissing contest about "who's in charge" is about to begin
4:18 AM:  Chloe, super computer CTU analyst has her first social disorder outburst
4:20 AM:  Nerd talk in the server room.  "System buffers, subnet blah blah blah"
4:22 AM:  Oh boy, Renee Walker, crazy woman is back on.  Anita and I call her "Howdy Doody"
4:28 AM:  Jimmy James from "News Radio" and "Milton" from "OfficeSpace" playing a Probation Officer who is on the trail of the annoying Dana Walsh, who is not who she says she is.  I think he is also looking for his missing stapler
4:30 AM:  Oh jeez, Chloe just pulled a gun on the NSA agent.  Nerds gone wild.  In her defense, she did propose a solution to the problem first.
4:31 AM:  Jack trying to get to an emergency phone with the help of FP Jr. and 2 other agents
4:35 AM:  C'mon guys?  Don't you know, you listen to Jack when he tells you to do something?
4:39 AM:  First appearance by President Hassan and his wife Morticia
4:52 AM:  Situation is dire at the abandoned warehouse site.  Jack is down to him and FP Jr. with Howdy Doody on the way.
4:53 AM:  Jack is shot and one the ground and down and about to get shot in the head.  Lucky for him, Howdy Doody shoots the terrorist.  Jack had a vest on luckily too.  God loves Jack Bauer
4:56 AM:  Ann Coulter, I mean Dana Walsh walking around all pouty goes to confront Milton.  Maybe she should offer him some cake to get him to go away
4:57 AM:  Um, Ann Coulter, I mean Dana Walsh is strangling Milton for him.  No cake for Milton yet again.  Further evidence that women be CRAZY
4:58 AM:  It appears that Ann Coulter Dana Walsh is working for the terrorists.  I think it's a record 8th straight year that a CTU has employed  a double agent.

Contest!

The Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Blog Executive Team would like to acknowledge all the loyal followers and visitors of the Blog.  In the 7 weeks that the Blog has been in existence, we have had 946 million page loads.  We are announcing a contest that will reward the individual that initiates our 1 billionth page load with ....


UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE!!!!! or Term Limits for U.S. Congress members, whichever comes first!!!!!


However, the sponsors of the Blog, will only spring for such a huge prize if we have at least 40 followers.  Either way, it's time to celebrate!

Expectations and Fishing

Don't forget to please email with comments or suggestions or even questions at realkept@gmail.com.

In my press release, I announced that we are expecting an addition to our family. We are excited, scared, tired, and scared. As you may be able to tell, we struggle with one, so adding another kid to the equation will be a fun challenge. So challenging, that I think I could pitch it as a reality show. If the title weren't already taken, I think I would call the show "Reality Bites".  I can't even imagine the piles of unfolded clothes that will pile up in our laundry room when we have a second kid to keep track of.  There will be a lot more fishing for panties.  Let me explain.  The weekend before last, Anita and I finally got around to folding the 14 million loads of laundry piled up in the laundry room.  In order to do so, we needed to transport the clothes into the family room.  During that process, you do suffer some losses in clothes that fall behind the dryer or washing machine.  Therefore, because there were important "undergarments" back there, I had to sit on the dryer and literally fish for panties using such tools as a swiffer, a hanger and a vacuum hose.  They could have a show on Espn 2 called "Pantymasters" starring me!

The truth is that I love being married and love being a parent. I love my 40 minute each way car rides every weekday morning with Ivana. I love the philisophical debates that I have with her about whether a bus is a bus or if a bus is a truck. She says they are "Chux". She did defeat me in a debate about whether the UPS vehicle was a truck or a van. I argued van, but I looked at the license plate and saw that it was indeed a "chuck". She still owns the "airwaves" in the car and dictates what we listen to. During Super Bowl week, I was trying to listen to the local morning sports talk show "the Sports Junkies". They were going to have Joe Montana as a guest and I didn't want to miss it. However, Ivana was in DJ mode asking for "again" or "song" to the point that she started yelling "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!". I was at a crossroads: I could let her have her way and hopefully end the yelling or I could try to outwit her with my slightly superior intellect. So I started yelling "aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!". It became a yelling challenge. She was defeated and I got to listen to the Joe Montana interview.

Sometimes I find myself driving and looking in the rear mirror at her.  I smile so hard that my face hurts until I realize that if my face hurting, I could possibly be hurting the small Asian family living on my face.

If you recall, the Chins moved onto my face at least 7 or 8 years ago and have been there ever since.  I
started the eviction process but they threw a wrench into my plans by hiring an attorney.  I guess I could be a little more understanding of their plight.  They work hard at their dry cleaner and their eldest son, Jae Leno Chin, just got accepted to MIT.  I will likely also need their connections to help me manufacture my latest invention:  The Panty Fishing Rod.

Audibles

I want to get some housekeeping out of the way.  The blog now has an email address for people to send comments or suggestions or even questions.  One of the new weekly blog topics will be a "mailbag" where I will answer questions from my loyal readers.  The email address is:  realkept@gmail.com.  I even created a Twitter account, but I will get to that in due time as I am still trying to get with the times.  I started writing this blog by carving on cave walls.  I am going to start posting more often, so please check the blog for new posts.

I am sure you were riveted by the tale weaved in the 2 part post: "Tragedy at the Ritz". What you might not know is that the story didn't end at the Ritz. By the end of that fateful evening, I had acquired the phone number of the hottest dog collar wearing dentist that I had ever met. I was positively giddy the next day. "Positively giddy" is the word I use for wickedly hungover. I am a glass half full guy. In dating, I guess there is a playbook that states that you wait at least a few days before making the first phone call after phone number acquisition.  I like to call audibles like Peyton Manning, so I called her the very next day she answered but was speaking to me in a hushed tone.  She was in a movie at the time.  She called me back after a few hours informing me that she had been watching "Eyes Wide Shut".  I remember thinking to myself, "jeez, what a perv".  We spoke for a while and eventually set up a first date.

I was working on pricing a proposal at the time and it involved a lot of late nights, so one of those nights, I decided to take a break and go out on our first date.  I believe it was the Tuesday after the wedding.  She had spent the day getting her hair done and getting dolled up.  Unfortunately, for her, I chose to be casual and wore one of my signature outfits from Structure (my whole closet should have been sponsored by Structure):  Jeans and a short sleeve v-neck shirt with a white shirt underneath.  I know, really?  WTF?  We met at the Union Street Pub in Old Town Alexandria.  She had informed me that her cousin was there with her and was having a drink. He was essentially her "bodyguard" and would judge whether I was worthy.  I arrived at the bar area and saw her and her bodyguard/cousin.  Um, if I had to pick an actor that shared his physique, I would have to go with Jude Law.  However, Anita looked unbelievable and in what still remains a common theme with us, I felt like a D-bag for my attire.  Bodyguard/cousin approved and we were permitted to commence our date.  We were shown to our table and I lucked out when we were shown to a curved booth table.  Pretty romantic setting.  Dinner and conversation went well except for the fact that I had decided to leave all my baggage on the table for her including going over my previous relationship.  She must have thought I was a little cuckoo, but I pressed on.  There was a method to my madness.  I had already determined that she was "the chosen one" and I wanted her to know what she was getting into (my pants of course ... ha!).  We finished dinner and decided to walk to the water and ended up sitting on a bench and chatting for at least another hour.  It had been a great night.  I walked to her car and we said our goodbyes.  I believed that we both wanted to progress to a second date.  Boy, was I in for a surprise!

The surprise in the next post ....

Breaking News .... Press Release From Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs, Inc.

World reknowned blogger, Jason Vettickal issued a statement regarding the speculation and rumors circulating the internet. Vettickal has been contemplating retirement for the last week due to a number of personal issues. The stock market is eagerly awaiting the decision as the parent company of Blogger.com, Google could see a severe sell off if Vettickal retires.

The statement follows:

"The pressure of the last month and a half has been at times, overwhelming. The sudden celebrity status that accompanies the blogwriting prowess that I obviously possess, has been tough for me and my family to handle, due to my humble nature. Dinner for 3 at Ruby Tuesdays is no longer a private event with autograph seekers and paparazzi following our every move. A weekly trip to Costco and/or Wegman's equals having to dodge the common people and amateur cell phone photographers. The major advertisers have been knocking down my door and blowing up my cell 24/7 (last 5 words were for my younger readers). The pressure to 'sell out' has been weighing heavily on my mind. In order to resist that temptation, I contemplated retirement. In addition, my desire to return to a normal life with my family was a factor. Finally, the fact that our family is expecting an addition in early August, has increased my responsibilities at home. I have 21 million loyal followers and have had at least 750 million page loads. I like to multiply things by a million. Unfortunately, my expert mathmeticians and economists that I consult with at Fox News and MSNBC informed me that 21 million divided my 1 million was 21 and 750 million divided by 1 million was 750. In a previous post, I stated that 'I wanna be adored'. I added a poll to the site this morning asking whether I should retire. The answer was a resounding NO! In fact, it was a landslide. The final tally: 10 million to 0. Therefore, I have decided NOT to retire and to continue entertaining the masses. There may be some changes to the layout and content, but my goal as always is to make sure everyone is entertained. I only ask that if you do read and enjoy the blog, please pass the site address along to friends and loved ones. I really do appreciate all 21 million of my followers as well as all who have visited the blog. I want to earn more followers and visitors with good content and many LOL's.

Keep it Real,

Jason"

Oscars Blog, Part 3 (warning: political incorrectness ensues; plus potential spoiler alerts)

9:42 PM: Hey guy who won best adapted screenplay for "Precious", you can borrow my asthma medicine
9:47 PM: Mo'Nique wins Best Supporting Actress. Great job.
9:50 PM: Every time I see British films during this telecast, it reminds that I have a dental appointment on April 5th. It also makes me say words like "Tosser" or "Bollocks" like I have British Tourette's Syndrome (BTS)
9:54 PM: Sigourney Weaver resembles her first name: long and unwieldy
9:56 PM: James Cameron appears to have married an extra from the Grateful Dead's "Touch of Gray" video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmT6udys8Tc
9:58 PM: A showhorse has made all the other showhorses proud. They are presenting a best costume Oscar
10:00 PM: Oh jeez, Charlize Theron, my pants seem to be moving on their own ... my favorite president was Woodrow Wilson
10:01 PM: OMG, how could I do an Oscar blog without mentioning what I am wearing: Today, my ensemble includes the designer Nike layered with Ralph Lauren with pants from the French designer Target. Socks by Greek designer Hanes.
10:03 PM: Hey Kristen Stewart, it is ok to eat, really, have a donut or something and your posture is awful
10:05 PM: [screaming] the redrum girls from "The Shining", pants that were moving on their own about 5 minutes ago are now wet
10:08 PM: OMG! Zac Effron!
10:10 PM: Seriously, I know vampires are the new thing in Hollywood, but a best sound editing Oscar win to a Vampire????
10:12 PM: Really??? Two wins for a Vampire??????
10:20 PM: Presenting Science Fiction's Greatest Work: Demi Moore!
10:47 PM: Hey ABC7 weekend anchor. How you doin?
10:48 PM: JLo, the winning America's Cup Sail and a British Dude wearing the old guy's glasses from "Up"
10:55 PM: Oh jeez, Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper, if only I could be that handsome. They were my professors at H.U.
11:25 PM: Um, can you tell I am getting a bit tired?
11:30 PM: Colin Farrell introducing Jeremy Renner. I wish I had some Lucky Charms
11:35 PM: Jeff Bridges wins Best Actor. He finally thanked his wife, Sue. I guess it is true that you eventually start resembling your spouse
11:38 PM: Ok, the time guessing is over. I have finally caught up. Hey Margaret, I might be late to work tomorrow ...
11:39 PM: Apple seems to pushing a ginormous Ipod Touch
11:40 PM: Forest Whitaker has lost some serious weight. He must be on Kristen Stewarts diet, i think it's called "The Hunger Strike"
11:45 PM: All jokes aside, I hope Gabby wins Best Actress
11:48 PM: Who ever thought that "Jeff Spicoli" would become so damn serious. Hey Sean Penn, bugs are not supposed to be in your butt
11:53 PM: Is Barbara Streisand married to Steven Spielberg? (See 11:35 PM)
11:55 PM: Wait to go Babs, you made the black director hold his breath before disappointing the heck out of him ("the time has come")
11:58 PM: Tom Hanks ready to close out the show. Jeez, I am spent. Woo! "The Hurt Locker"
11:59 PM: The three actors in the back of the producer and director of "Hurt Locker" appear to have been O.B.E.
12:01 PM: Shout out to all in uniform! Woo!
12:02 PM: James Cameron's next film will involve some sort of revenge theme.

Good night.

Oscars Blog, Part 2 (warning: political incorrectness ensues; plus potential spoiler alerts)

8:33 PM: NPH opens the show.
8:36 PM: Um, did Melanie Griffith actually add length to her head? Her face looks like Mrs. Potatohead
8:41 PM: Is George Clooney just acting like a douche? I mean, he is an actor, right?
8:43 PM: First Jew joke of the night. good one
8:45 PM: Penelope Cruz is wearing drapery. I'm glad Anita isn't watching. She might want to put Penelope Cruz in our living room
8:47 PM: How did Professor Dumbledore get nominated for an Oscar? I thought he was a fictional character
8:52 PM: "The Blind Side" is based on the story of offensive tackle Michael Oher. I hear "Precious" was a good movie too
8:54 PM: Whenever they cut to the crowd before a commercial break, I keep reminding myself to buy more saran wrap
8:56 PM: Great JKL commercial with Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner
8:59 PM: "Up" Best Animated Feature. It's a lock that the orchestra will start playing 13 seconds into acceptance speech
9:00 PM: I think Melanie Griffith patterned her latest plastic surgery on the guy who accepted the award for "Up"
9:01 PM: Oh geez, Bradley Cooper, oh geez
9:02 PM: "The Princess and the Frog" with a couple of original song nominations. Speaking of "frogs", is that weasel Roman Polanski hiding in France?
9:03 PM: T Bone Burnett always wins best original song. Is he like the tall version of James Cameron? He's as tall as an Avatar
9:10 PM: Mark Boal, winner of best original screenplay, seems to be longingly stroking his Oscar statuette. Thank you for mentioning the soldiers and the sacrifices they have and continued to make
9:12 PM: Jeez, Molly Ringwald. John Hughes retrospective
9:13 PM: "Those aren't pilloooowws!"
9:14 PM: Oh jeez, Sloane Peterson ... grrrrrrrr
9:16 PM: Hey, Judd Nelson, you can borrow my beard trimmer if you want
9:21 PM: Um, excuse if I fast forward past the Best Short Film part
9:28 PM: Wow, "Music for Prudence" winners, thanks for that hella awkward moment
9:31 PM: Ben Stiller in "Avatar" makeup really looks like Tom Cruise
9:33 PM: I almost don't want to post this last hour. It's a lame sandwich
9:37 PM: Cottonelle commercial reminds me to never go eat at IHOP after midnight when only high school or college age kids are working
9:40 PM: "Precious" is nominated for best adapted screenplay. I wonder if the Redskins are going to be able to address all of their offensive line needs during the offseason.

The Oscar Blog, Part 1 (warning, political incorrectness may occur and spoiler alert if you are taping the show to watch later)

Before I begin, I wanted to let people know that the story of how I met Anita was not done and I will have another post to explain.

I am going to begin with the Red Carpet Show as there is so much value in watching really rich people wear ridiculously expensive clothing and borrowed jewels. This is on a delay as the daughter needed to get her dose of Curious George before bedtime.

I will post entries about every 45 minutes or so depending on how the show is going ...

8:00 PM: Glass of Cabernet in hand awaiting the beginning of the Red Carpet Show
8:00:17 PM: Realize that even joking about drinking wine while watching the Red Carpet Show is a little bit O.B.E. ... just a little bit
8:01 PM: Sherri Shephard introduces the Red Carpet Show. She voiced Alex the Lion's mom in Madagascar 2 ... she looks much better as a cartoon voice
8:02 PM: Kathy Ireland looks pretty hot and like she enjoyed some pre-game "booger sugar"
8:04 PM: Note to Penelope Cruz, um, you still don't speak good English
8:05 PM: It's a Gyllenhaal party. In case you didn't know, Jake Gyllenhaal played a gay in "Bubbleboy"
8:07 PM: George Clooney recently bought an island for his lady. His lady looks a little high. She don't speak no English either
8:08 PM: Sandra Bulloch is wearing Marquesa. If you are hosting a douchy Oscar Party, make sure you score on for the fine folks at Marquesa. Sandra's face looks like it is having a tough time moving.
8:09 PM: I think I just peed my pants. Zac Effron being interviewed by Kathy Ireland. I think my sister's boyfriend styled his hair today
8:10 PM: Camera pans the crowd right before a commercial break. The chick from "Precious" is shown reminding me of a conversation I had with my friend last night. We were sitting at a bar and a larger black woman came by ordering some drinks. Somehow, my friend mentioned that his wife asked him earlier that day whether he would be interested in watching "Precious". It's funny how certain things lead you to great conversation pieces.

8:14 PM: Morgan Freeman seems a little, um, drunk
8:17 PM: JLo appears to be wearing a sail from the America's Cup winning boat
8:17 PM: Oh jeez, JLo just turned around showed her butt. I need to check my tv screen to see if it's cracked
8:19 PM: Matthew Broderick appears to have brought a showhorse as his guest to the Oscar's. Gutsy choice by Matt. PETA members will be pleased. The showhorse is wearing Chanel by the way.
8:20 PM: Matthew Broderick dismissed by one of the hosts. They seemed more interested in talking to the talking showhorse
8:23 PM: Tina Fey has some weird creases on her face
8:24 PM: Miley Cyrus makes me feel better about my teeth
8:25 PM: Jeff Bridges is so cool. I think he likes pot.
8:27 PM: Kate Winslet should have gotten her teeth whitened. In her defense, she is British
8:28 PM: Ok, I already feel guilty about this one, but Gabourey Sidibe from "Precious" is on and I can't help but thinking that the Redskins really need a new starting left tackle
8:30 PM: Meryl Streep always reminded me of a banana for some reason

Tragedy at the Ritz, Part 2 (warning, a lot of reading to follow)

Ok, so I left off my last post describing Anita's entrance into the ballroom for the wedding ceremony. She was absolutely stunning, and I instantly knew she was out of my league. I mean, single ladies at old folks homes were out of my league, so ... you see what I am saying. The wedding ceremony came and went and it was time for cocktail hour. Now, I had a major issue at hand in that I had run of out of cologne and had not put some on that day. So, being the vain and careful graduate of HU (Handsome University) with a degree in Hair Fabulousness, I decided to go to Macy's to buy cologne, bringing my brother Jiby and my friend Steve with me. Remember, the Ritz Carlton was attached to a mall. Like the strong, heterosexual male that I am, I sprayed different colognes on and asked the guys their opinion. After at least 3 or 4 options, our triumvirate decided on Emporio Armani which will hence be known as the new scent of danger.

We returned to the cocktail hour. I, of course, was wearing the new scent of danger. Drinks were consumed, moms were talked to, more drinks were consumed and it was getting close to seating time at the wedding reception. At some point, I was telling my fellow triumvirate members how well the new scent of danger was working on the ladies. My friend and author, Sujatha Hampton, must have overheard the conversation. So she came over and acted like my scent was causing her to heart to go aflutter. Yeah, that made me feel like a douche. Even though she was joking and right, I knew that I needed to tone it down ... that lasted about 5 minutes or until my next drink. I ended up going with a buddy to the bar at Ritz Carlton and seemingly made an ass of myself trying to talk to one of the bride's close friends [at least that is what my buddy told me, since I don't seem to recall that very clearly]. Hurricane Jason seemed to be reaching Category 3 level.

Unfortunately, drinks continued to be consumed, I lost track of my cell phone and camera, yet I felt confident that the new scent of danger would carry me through. On my way to get another drink I noticed "Dog Collar Hot Chick" near the bar talking to a friend of mine. Being the gentleman that I was, I interrupted the conversation and asked the lovely lady: "DO YOU WANT TO DANCE?"
"Dog Collar Hot Chick" continued her conversation with my friend and turned to both of us and said "it was nice meeting you". I remember thinking to myself "jeez, she must be deaf", so I charmingly asked "SO, YOU DON'T WANNA DANCE?" At that point "Dog Collar Hot Chick" thought, "hey, I am new to the area, I don't really want to piss people off, so what the heck?" She agreed to dance with me.

Now I am not a dancing type person, and the hurricane was at about Category 4, but I gave it my all. I channeled my "white guy at a sockhop" and did my best. We exchanged names while dancing and disbelief that I wasn't named "Deepak" and she wasn't named "Jasminder". She even asked to see my license to prove that my name was "Jason". I also found out upon closer review that she was not wearing a dog collar. It was a fashion accessory known as a choker (i know, sounds kinky). I was determined to dance with her the rest of the night and shoved away any potential "cut ins" from other guys (sometimes when I drink too much I have what is known as ADHD or Angry Drunk Hyperactive Drunk syndrome). I found out that she was a Dental Associate at the father of the bride's dental practice and she had just moved to the area from West Virginia. I thought that maybe she was already married ... to her brother, but then I found out she only had one sibling and it was a sister named "Jamie". My sister was also named "Jaime". Crazy coincidence. The alcohol was slowly wearing off and I started to think more clearly. I began to think about why this super hot chick would dance with me the whole night. After using the restroom, I was washing my hands and looking in the mirror like the vain guy that I am while smiling at how good looking I thought I was, when the light went off in my head. She was a dentist and my grill (teeth) was similar to the smile of any member of British Parliament. She must have seen my grill and thought "cha ching, I am going to break the bank with that mess." Luckily, for me, I was just being paranoid.

She had come to the wedding with her aunt and had to leave slightly early. But she ran and grabbed a pen and wrote her number down and gave it to me (which to this day, she says she never did before). I went home that night with the lesson learned that no matter how much of an ass you make of yourself, the new scent of danger will lead you to redemption.