[Not] Too Much Time On My Hands

We are less than 2 months away from adding to our household, gaining another tax exemption as well as loads of responsibility.  Are we ready?  Hecksticks no!  You know what though?  We will make it work; we always do.  You know why?  Because we are keepin' it real in the suburbs.  I can't believe it's true but this blog has healing powers, it can make your life better and solve all of your problems.  It's odd that people haven't realized it by now.  

We are expecting a girl and have narrowed down the names to just a few.  We have not prepared for the possibility that the doctor might have identified the gender incorrectly.  In fact, when we found out, the technician walked out of the room for a bit and Anita said it is possible that if it's a boy that they might not have been able to see his "junk" due to his genetics.  Ouch, that hurt.  I think everyone is hoping for a girl because at this point, I am sticking to my guns on a boy's name of "The Edge".  I have the distinct feeling that my girl name choices of Josephine Gibbs Vettickal or Alexandra Ovechkin Vettickal will not prevail.


So many things to do before Baby #2.  We need to decide what magazine will publish the first photos.  We have so many offers ...

Heart of Stone

In the course of this last week, our daughter, Ivana  has started taking showers and sleeping in a big girl's bed in her new room.  In the course of that same week, we have learned of her ability to manipulate us with a few simple words:  "Ivana hungry" and "help Ivana".  She uses the "Ivana hungry" when she knows we are about to take her up to go to bed.  "Help Ivana" is a little more complicated.  She uses it when she doesn't want to go to bed or if she is trying to get out of bed.  Last night, we made her sleep in her new room in the big girl bed.  She cried and protested with "help Ivana" for at least 20 minutes, but we decided to follow through and not relent to her crying.   I realized at that point, that the "sleep scheduler, book following cult" must have hearts of stone.  To be able to hear your kid cry for that long and not do anything!  It was difficult, but we knew we had to temporarily turn our hearts to stone.  I also realized, in defense of the "sleep scheduler, book following cult", the kid will still love you when they wake up in the morning.

I'm trying some new things to generate more readers as the facebook thing isn't working out too great.  So bear with me.  I did some research and realized that maybe the posts are too long, so I have a poll out there to see what you all think.

Mailing It In

All [6 of you], 

I wanted to get some questions answered as my last "Mailing it In" blogpost proved to be extremely popular.  I think like 28 people might have read it, which is pretty impressive for this blog.  If you sense sarcasm, you are incorrect.  If so you sense an appearance by the Scotsman, Bitter McBitter, you are absolutely correct.  I would love to have a bigger audience.  In truth, I'm not really bitter.  I know I just need to try harder and hopefully more people will read and even forward the blog to their friends.  Enough bitching and on with the post:

Dear Famous Blogger,


When you entered the playoff beard contest was it coincidence that you also were sporting the playoff mullet?  -D. Bag, Canada.   

Real Kept Dude says:  D. Bag, It couldn't have been a coincidence as I did not have a mullet.  I did have long hair though.  People with thinning hair often poke fun of me when I grow my hair out.  I assume it is out of jealousy, eh?  I have this friend from Canada that I met 24 years ago at a conference.  I believe he had a mullet when I met him.  He was probably trying to emulate his idol, Canadian hockey star, Wayne Gretzky.

To: Famous Blogger

From: Associated Press


Albert Haynesworth claims subliminal messages in your blog led him to knock up the stripper. Care to comment?

Real Kept Dude says:  Hey Ass. Press, Fat Albert couldn't even say the phrase "subliminal messages" without keeling over from losing his breath.  That is a lot of syllables.  Plus, everyone knows that guys in the suburbs aren't dumb enough to knock up strippers.  They are however, dumb enough to knock up their wives.  Before I got married, I really thought that babies came from the stork.  I didn't realize that I would have to degrade myself with certain "acts" ...

To:realkept@gmail.com

From: maps@google.com


Sir we believe that for the sake of accuracy that you should change the blog name to "Rural Reports from HayMarket"

Real Kept Dude says:  I get the "rural" jokes all the time.  I don't find them funny.  You know what I find funny though?  I have this guy friend that gets manicures and pedicures and puts on clear nail polish.  Now that is funny!  We even have nail salons in Haymarket and I bet they have clear nail polish.  

Suburbs Guy, Coach Reid wanted to punish me by sending me to the offensive line-less Redskins.  I know that I'll be getting beat up by defensives.  Should I hire Blackwater to protect me?  Scared Poopless, D. McNabb

Real Kept Dude says:  You really should kick that fat walrus Andy Reid's ass for making you go back to pass 60 times a game.    Don't worry, we have so much confidence in our offensive line and your ability to stay healthy, that we made Rex Grossman your backup QB.  Actually, every time I think of your backup, I really do TOL (Think Out Loud) "Gross man, that's disgusting!"

Kept  Guy, Where should I hide my white hood and robe?   Missin' the Good 'Ol Days, B. McDonnell


Real Kept Dude says:  Don't worry Gov., you won't get roasted and summarily dismissed for your past misdeeds because you weren't coached to speak like "Kenneth" from "30 Rock" in your Republican Response to the State of the Union address.  Plus, since you're not brown, Ann Coulter can't call you an extra from "Slumdog Millionaire".  So buck up and go hang out with your boys and fellow grand wizards like you're Harry Potter.  Calm down righties, I know he wasn't in the KKK.  

Brown Rice, I'm a money-making machine, but I think my jig is coming up soon.  What should I do next?  Socially Unjust, G. Beck


Real Kept Dude says:  I sometimes do "readings" of your books at the local Costco.  They always get a good laugh.  I think you should take your $$$$ and go retire to wherever other fat clowns retire.  Or, you could use your impressive research skills to help with the revisions of the textbooks in Texas.  Or, you could become a spokesman for Massengill and Hefty

Real Kept, If I get an offer from Fox, should I take the job?  Screaming from the Left, K. Olberman


Real Kept Dude says:  Yes, you should because you don't need to be talented to be a Fox News "Personality".  Also, can you just stick to sports and shut up about anything else?  

Kept Dawg, If you were a rapper, what would be your name?  Believ'n in da 'Ol Skool, 8-Track Tape Playa

Real Kept Dude says:  In my gangsta rap band: SNWA, my name is Anoop Doggy Dogg.  You should check out our first album:  Straight Outta Mumbai.  I also wouldn't mind Turbanator X.

Exurbs guy, What will happen and when you meet Ivana's first boyfriend?  What would you advise him?  Second Amendment Rules! Smith N. Wesson


Real Kept Dude says: I have often told people that Ivana is going to be married to God, therefore, a nun.  So if I met God, I would probably be asking him to let me into Heaven.  If she actually ends up having a boyfriend, I would ask him his shoe size and if he likes fishing.

Precious, Would you consider doing a duet with me? Luv Mo' of Me, M. 'Nique

Real Kept Dude says:  Of course Mo'Nique, I would do it in a heartbeat.  Of course it would have to be the Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt classic "I Don't Know Much" and you would need to bring "Precious" for inspiration.

Real Kept Patron, I'm thinking about buying the Cleveland Indians.  I definitely will be changing the logo and signing Maddux, Clemens, Martinez, Glavine, and Cone for more rotation.  (This would be awesome.)  Should I stick with the current ignorant theme or honor real Indians from India, a country with thousands of years of history?  If you think I should honor real Indians, should we change the logo to a dot on our hats?  What do you think about replacing our hats and helmets with turbans?  Cruzin with Cruise, D. Snyder


Real Kept Dude says:  I would go with real Indians from India as the theme and use a stick figure of a guy in front of a computer with a headset.  


Real Kept Dude, How do you feel about the Gore's recent split up?


Real Kept Dude says:  I can't comment at this time.  I am too distraught from  hearing this morning on the "Junkies" that Heidi and Spencer are in splitzville!


Real Smart Guy, What would be your solution to the gushing oil in the Gulf of Mexico?


Real Kept Dude says:  I'm no scientist, but BP stands for British Petroleum, right?  I would remove about 4 teeth from Prince Charles' grill and use them to plug the leak.


All right peeps, that is all the time I have for now.  I will be back soon with another post

Ramble On

Led Zeppelin once sang the words ... "For now I smell the rain, and with it pain, and it's headed my way.  Sometimes I grow so tired, but I know I've got one thing I got to do... Ramble on"

Therefore, I am going to do as I always do and follow the words of Led Zeppelin and I'm going to "ramble on" about whatever comes to mind.  It doesn't always end well like the time I bought a stairway to Heaven but it turned out to be a "Little Giant" ladder (although the "Little Giant" has come in handy when I have to put up Anita's gigantic Christmas Trees and wreath).  

What's the deal with the very questionable fashion of wearing pants/jeans BB (Below Butt)?  Do we know who came up with this idiotic trend that has lasted for ages now?  They should be beaten. It has gotten so bad that there is an older guy at the office that has a big gut and kind of resembles the "Jigsaw' dude from the 39 "Saw" movies.  He wears his pants BB.  My jeans tend to fall BB because the scientific name for my butt would be called Gluteus Minimus.  Anita often calls me the "buttless wonder" and advocates "butt implants".  The other day, I was drinking a beer in my front yard with my neighbors.  I happened to have a wine opener/bottle opener in one of the pockets of my gym shorts and my cell in the other pocket.  Two of my female neighbors were chatting across the street.  I secretly was afraid that my gym shorts were going to fall down due to the weight of the items in my pockets as well as the lack of a "butt shelf" to help keep the shorts up.  Luckily that didn't happen, but I was sure to bend my knees cautiously so as to not give the ladies a world premiere of the latest in the "Twilight" series:  "Full Moon".  Yes, you heard it right.  My neighbors and I often drink beers in our front yards or driveways much like they did in the TV Show "King of the Hill".   

My friend was over a few weeks ago and I was grilling in my driveway (can't afford a deck or patio because the advertisers don't pay bloggers with only 10 people reading it regularly).  We had just spent about 5 hours at the local winery.  This friend happens to be one of the many people who are "Suburb Haters".  They are all smug even though almost all of them don't actually live in the city but in a nearby suburb.  I doubt they have wineries down the street from their house though ... bitches!  Anyway, we were standing outside with beers in hand and one of my neighbors came by with a couple of beers for us.  A few moments later, another neighbor came by with beers.  I should pay those guys because it made it look like I was the "Don" of the neighborhood and they were paying homage to me.  Obviously, that is not true, I mean look at me, remember that I am just a regular guy who happens to resemble a goateed Bosc Pear.  Now all of this was after I took my friend to Wegman's and we had a beer at the seafood bar.  I think he went home that night with a better appreciation of what the suburbs has to offer.  Although he will never admit it.  

Do you ever wear disposable contacts way longer than you're supposed to?  Well, I do and it has worked out.  What's weird is that recently, I actually started changing them more often.  For some reason, though, my right contact was bugging me when I was driving in the rain so I started rubbing my eye.  Somehow, I managed to make the contact vanish while I was driving.  So I had one blurry eye and one good eye.  I was blessed with some nice hair, but I think God evened things out by giving me the day vision of a bat and some Wheezy Jefferson lungs.  I made it to my destination and was able to replace the lens with a backup lens that I had brought just in case (I keep like 6,000 things in my pocket).  That same day  I was at the Giant in Gainesville and Stevie Wonder's "Part Time Lover" was playing.  I involuntarily started whistling.  I think when Stevie Wonder songs are playing you automatically either sing it, or hum it or whistle it.  My point was proven when I heard this middle aged white dude humming the song as we crossed paths.  

Sometimes I wonder if I need to grow up a bit. The other day, I was at the store and I came across a t shirt with a jersey number and name of a former Yankee pitcher.  I happened to like him but I bought the t shirt for only one reason:  his last name is "Wang".  It also reminded me of audio that the "Sports Junkies" played about an ailment that current Yankees pitcher, Chan Ho Park had.  

I probably need to grow up also because sometimes I giggle out loud (GOL) when I type my last name really fast and I accidentally type "Vetitckal". All right, on that note I am done rambling ... for now.

It's 3 AM I Must Be Lonely ...

Rob Thomas once sang "It's 3 AM I must be lonely" before he became a solo pop star.  Well, right now it's 3 AM and I'm actually not lonely.  I am awake with Ivana and Anita.  Ivana has finally settled on Sesame Street to watch after briefly tormenting us with that purple dinosaur.  Seriously, why did scientists even study why dinosaurs became extinct????  The effeminate purple T-Rex ruined it for all the dinosaurs.  They were more likely the victims of hate crimes by those jocks, the saber toothed tigers.  BTW, is it a universal reaction with adults when they see Barney that they want to assault him?  Yesterday, this guy at work started doing a Barney impression during a meeting and I almost jumped across the table and punched him.  Ok, moving on ...

A few months ago, people were talking about/fascinated with the movie "Paranormal Activity".  I wish I could have filmed Anita and I sleeping with our "suitemate".  We could have made millions!  I think both Anita levitate on the side of the bed at least once a night due to Ivana pushing us off the bed.  Sometimes I will feel sharp pain in my ribs during the day.  My self diagnosis always points to bruised ribs from being kicked in the middle of the night.  We are lucky that we are expecting already because I sure that one of these days my nads will fall victim to a precise and swift kick.  Rambling about to ensue ...


Ok, Ivana is still wide awake and at this point it's 3:47 AM.  I am wearing my nerdy black plastic coke bottle Malcolm X glasses.  Nathan Lane is singing with some puppet pigs on Sesame Street.  I am going to punch him.  Sometimes I take the trash out in the morning and I have my nerdy glasses on and some crazy sleep outfit on like gym shorts and a poncho with black socks and flip flops.  When I see a car drive by or a neighbor getting their newspaper, I get so embarassed.  I wonder how confused they must be when they see me later in the day returning from work in my highly fashionable dark polo shirt and khaki pants looking handsome and debonair like I came straight out of a magazine shoot .... for Home Depot.
Is it just me, or is "Mr. Noodle" from Sesame Street kind of creepy?  I have heard that sometimes people call their "junk" a noodle.  Ok, maybe it's just me like when I have had a few too many drinks like in

Tummy, Tummy Why You Buggin'?.  In that situation I would refer to it as a Thai dish.

All right, I think I am going to have to make an attempt to haul Ivana back upstairs.  Just FYI, with the continued poor ratings of this blog, my editors are considering outsourcing the writing.  Personally, I can't take the rejection.  It keeps me up at night watching kids shows.  Still love you guys though

Message in the Bathroom

Jeez people!  The rating for my last post were awful.  I think there were only 38 pageloads since I posted it last Friday and at least 34 of them were from my brother in Indiana.  I mean, he lives in Indiana, what else is he going to do?  Just kidding, please don't beat me up.   My sister told me that I was "slipping" about 4 weeks ago.  Is it true????  No new followers either.

I went to the Pearl Jam concert on Thursday night at the newly named venue Jiffy Lube Live (formerly Nissan Pavilion).  Throughout my almost 38 years on this earth, I have loved singing songs whether in the car or in the shower or wherever.  Since I mentioned Jiffy Lube I have to confess that I have caught myself singing the "You're good to your car so your can be gooood to you, Jiffy Lube, every 3,000 miles just bring it into Jiffy Lube".  I also happen to enjoy beatboxing and a glass of cabernet on a summer evening.  During that same timeframe, I have made up all sorts of new words to replace lyrics that I didn't quite understand.  I know people have done the same including somebody who thought the Police song:  "Message in a Bottle" was "Message in the Bathroom".  I heard somebody sing "Salami" for the Police song:  "So Lonely".  Steve Miller's "Jet Airliner" often gets confused with "Jed and Lionel" as in "big old Jed and Lionel, don't carry me too far away ..."  If you recall, I first learned of the fascinating word "douche" when I heard Bruce Springsteen singing "Cut loose like a deuce" in his song "Blinded by the Light".

The reason I brought up the Pearl Jam concert is that I looooove to sing along at concerts.  However, I have a little tougher time at Pearl Jam concerts because sometimes Eddie Vedder recites run on lyrics as in "Freezin'restshisheadonapillowmadeofconcrete" from the song "Even Flow".  A few lines later in that song Eddie Vedder sings  "Ohdarkgrinhecan'thelpwhenhe'shappylooksinsane".  However, I sing it "Oh darken he can hell up in he looksizhay "  I truly believe I have created a new language when I try to sing my favorite Pearl Jam song "Yellow Ledbetter".  I start singing:  "On a veelin' on poor sawna letter sain" as in (real lyrics) "Unsealed on a porch a letter sat".   I am too embarassed to go on with what I sing after the first line in that song but let's just say it is 95% gibberish and 5% English.   I have included a Youtube link with the song with "interpretive lyrics" flashing on the screen.  Please enjoy.

My point is that even if you don't know the lyrics, please continue wailing away in your cars and/or showers.  Because as John Mellencamp said in "Jack and Diane" .... "Don't let it rock, let it roll, let the Taco Bell come and save my soul."

Please feel free to comment or ask a question at realkept@gmail.com.

Here are the real lyrics to Yellow Ledbetter as well as a link to a site about misheard lyrics ...

Unsealed, on a porch a letter sat
Then you said I wanna leave it again
Once I saw her on a beach of weathered sand
And on the sand I wanna leave it again yeah
On a weekend I wanna wish it all away yeah
And they called and I said that I want what I said
Then I call out again
And the reason oughta leave her calm I know
I said I know what I wear not the boxer or the bag

Ah yeah can you see them
Out on the porch yeah but they don't wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know and I know I don't want to stay

Make me cry

I see ooh I don't know why there's something else
I wanna go my own a-way
I said I don't I don't know whether I was the boxer or the bag

Ah yeah can you see them
Out on the porch yeah but they don't wave
I see them round the front way yeah
And I know and I know I don't wanna stay at all

I don't wanna stay yeah
I don't wanna stay-ee
I don't wanna stay
I don't, don't wanna oh
Yeah
Ooh oh oh oh oh
Ooh oh oh oh oh oh


Misheard Lyrics

Tummy, Tummy Why You Buggin'?

You are probably wondering why you haven't heard from me in over 3 weeks.  You may think I took a hiatus or something silly like that.  The truth is that I was suspended from writing my blog by the KIRITS executives after receiving a complaint from Rev. Al Sharpton.  Apparently, the award winning blog post:  

When Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Goes Wrong (Politically Incorrect statements may follow) , led the Rev. to believe that I was passing judgment on a certain ethnic group with my characterization of the two fellows who took "chillin'" to an almost professional level.  I just want to set the record straight.  I did not specify ethnicity as I figured it was a well known fact that the act of "chillin'" is universally loved.

Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let's move on.  Recently, our family contracted a stomach bug that wreaked havoc on our household.  I started calling my bowels Tiger Woods because it had "loose" morals.  It was a situation where if someone asked how you felt you could say:  "I feel like crap ... no, really I feel like crap, excuse me for a bit."  See, there are a lot of haters out there who live in or near the city who make jokes about being out here in the burbs.  But you know what we have a lot of in the burbs????  COSTCO'S!  TGFC (Thank God For Costco) because if I hadn't re-upped our supplies at Costco pre-stomach bug, we would experienced a Code Red TP Emergency.  There are benefits to having a stomach bug.  You can lose like 4-5 lbs. in less than a week, so that really helped me towards my goal of being in "pool shape".  Sorry neighbors, you may finally witness the wooly mammoth at the pool this summer.  Maybe I will get Alase so I can help prevent the spontaneous spewing that will occur upon seeing me at the pool.


Well, we eventually recovered from the stomach bug and decided to "Keep it Real in the City" with a couple of friends.  It's quite a production to get us out to downtown DC, so it was an auspicious occasion.  One of the friends chose a venue called "Againn" which happens to be a British Isles style bistro with organic locally grown food.  I know, sounds awful, right?  Luckily, they also had beer.  So .. the Dogfish Head 60 Minute IPA's kept flowing and the bland, but organic food was consumed and the "Keepin' it Real in the City" was reaching critical mass.  The atmosphere in the restaurant was nice but if I had to give a thumbs up or thumbs down to the food, I would give it the finger ("Hollywood Shuffle" reference).  After dinner, we retired to the bar area where more beer was consumed and I even drank half a Jack and Coke (bad idea).  I don't if I was still not completely over the bug, but I was at a point where I could not speak.  Well, I could speak, but it would have sounded like I had swallowed my tongue.  


Eventually, we headed home.  Of course the pregnant wife was driving.  It was pouring rain outside and it was about 2AM.  I woke up while we were on Rt. 66 and told Anita to pull over.  It was either the fact that I had drank a lot that night, or the fact that I was still getting over a stomach bug, or the fact that my body was rejecting the pure organic meal that I had eaten earlier, or the fact that I wanted to display my true feeling for the road known as "I-66".  Maybe it was a combination of all those facts, but I violently threw up.  Anita was screaming at me from the car as she didn't want me to get hit by a car.  I also almost fell into a ditch.  She considered just leaving me there but I eventually returned to the car.  


I want the readers to know that I am back and will be posting regularly once again. So please check back often and please forward to others if you feel it is worthy.  I would like to add to the 27 followers (it says 28, but I have my doubts that there are two people with the exact same name following the blog).


As always, LYL (Love you Lots) and Keep it Real.