When Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Goes Wrong (Politically Incorrect statements may follow)

Let's get a couple of housekeeping items out of the way first.  If you would like to send in questions to be answered in the next edition of "Mailing It In", please send them to realkept@gmail.com.  Also, the voting for the Naming the Baby Reality Blog vs. Reality Webisodes vs. Who Give a F*&k? ends in like 13 hours.  The two votes for Webisode have been disqualified due to voter fraud discovered during an independent review by former President Jimmy Carter.  That means there are no votes either way which will lead our sponsors to cancel the Reality Blog or Webisode before it even premieres, much like the fate of potential great hit show:  Secret Service Guy (1997) in which Judge Reinhold was slated to star in this sitcom, which FOX decided not to air. Anyway, thanks to President Carter for the lifetime supply of peanuts card that he gave us!

Yesterday I was fortunate enough to visit a Walmart in Dumfries, VA.  BTW, can we make it a KIRITS Blog Law that sarcasm must be denoted by italics?  Cool.  So I needed to pick up a prescription for my mother in law.   I should have taken it as a sign from God to turn back, when I tried to turn into Walmart, there was a sign that said "No Entrance Here, Use Entrance on Wayside Dr."  Thanks for telling me sooner, evil Walmart Empire!  Apparently, this particular Walmart was undergoing a transformation into a Super Walmart.  What an oxymoron!  There will be nothing "super" about this Walmart, except maybe if a shopper misspells "Supper" on their shopping list.  

I walked in after finally arriving in the parking lot.  I headed towards the pharmacy only to see a sign saying that the pharmacy is now located near the jewelry section.  Is it sad that I kind of knew which way to head without asking anyone?  Well, I have memorized the layouts of Walmarts so I can efficiently pick up whatever I need and be out of there within 15-20 minutes depending on the lines.  I get to the pharmacy only to see a line about 7 or 8 people deep with only one register working.  The customers seemed on the verge of a kind of half anger half depression.  The woman that showed up behind me just keep reciting "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" over and over.  At that point she counted the 6 people in front of her (including me) and concluded that at 10 minutes per person she was going to be there two hours ...  Another woman sat down near a bench with her 5 or 6 year old daughter and started complaining about the people working behind the pharmacy counter.  She exclaimed "that bitch behind the counter ... blah blah blah."  I kept thinking that "this is what hell must be like".  Secretly, I was thinking of ways to fake my own death so I could be 

transported out of there.  

I finally reached the front, got the prescription and walked away.  I actually had a couple more things to look for.  Even though I am vain ... I guess it's a lazy kind of vain because I don't want to expend the effort it takes to be as handsome as I used to be, I tend to wear average clothing.  I was wearing khaki pants and a plain, navy blue polo shirt.   I went down one aisle and was looking at the box of one particular item while holding the prescription bag.  Some dude started asking me about something a few aisles over.   I said "I don't know".  He persisted and I thought of saying "no speak english", but he looked "Latino", so he may have started speaking Spanish.   I just said rather gruffly, "I don't work here."  Right after that, another person asked me a store related question and I told her that I didn't work there and she kind of snickered and apologized.  Only 1 minute later, a guy in a motorized cart asked me if I worked there!  It was the stupid plain navy blue polo shirt!  There tends to be a decent percentage of Indian people working in Walmarts too.  I wasn't insulted that people thought that I worked at Walmart, but I did make a life decision to upgrade my wardrobe.  

I made my way to the front and I swear I saw like 6 people that looked like they auditioned for "Precious" as well as 4 people that could have been extras on the great HBO series "The Wire".  Don't worry, there also appeared to be extras from "Slumdog Millionaire", failed contestants from TV's "The Biggest Loser" and even like half the party from the karaoke scene in "Lost in Translation"

So I get to the front and I had to pick up stamps at Customer Service.  There were two guys [i guess they were "customers"] standing around just checking out women.  They weren't dressed as if they had just come there from work unless they worked somewhere called "Chillin' Like Villains".  I mean, if "Chillin'" were a profession, these guys would be at the top of their profession.  Help me out, maybe we could call them Chillologists or Chillaxists.

I had finally completed my trip through hell/Walmart and lost 50 minutes of my life.  I do not know many people that could survive 50 minutes in that Walmart let alone any Walmart.