Thoughts While Watching K&KTM With the Wife

Ivana is at my parent's house for the night.  It's our first break in a while.  Guess what we're doing?  We are watching Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.   It's causing me physical and mental anguish, but I want to spend some time with my wife.  Guys don't normally admit to doing things like watching a painfully bad reality tv show with their spouses and therefore, do not get the well deserved credit for emasculating themselves in such ways.  Right now, Khloe is whining on the phone with Lakers star and her husband, Lamar Odom.  Give me a minute, I need to bang my head against the wall like 47 times.

Anita went to hang out with her mom and sister, so I got to watch the US vs. Ghana World Cup game in peace.  I decided to multi-task and fold the mountain of clothes that had accumulated in the laundry room while watching the game.  It was a painful loss to Ghana, but I am proud of how well the team performed at this World Cup and even more proud of the support they received from people here.  Also, what made the bitter defeat a little better for me was the fact that the dang clothes are folded now.  Is it just me or were you also surprised at the laziness of people from Ghana?  I mean, how long does it take to get up or run to the sideline or throw the ball in or make a goal kick?????  I know, I am a very sore loser.  Forgive me if I ramble, I am having a tough time focusing while hearing things like "I need to get a bikini wax", "it will be fun ripping Khloe's pubes out one at a time" or "Scott gets his ass bleached?"  If I had a gun, I think I would shoot the tv like Elvis.

I mentioned Anita's pregnancy underwear recently, I know, you probably tried to remove the image from your mind.  Me too, but one time, I was at Target and she asked me to buy her a pair of underwear.  I didn't know how to choose, so I tried to take a picture of it with my camera phone.  Unfortunately, as awesome as the Motorola Droid is, it alas, does not have a panoramic view setting.

Anyway, I will try to post again tomorrow, so please read and forward along to others.  I would love to increase the number of followers and readers.  I also encourage you to post questions and comments to realkept@gmail.com.

Interview With an Umpire (ok, a Referee)

Real Kept Dude snagged an exclusive interview with disgraced World Cup Referee Koman Coulibaly, the ref who stole the game from the entire United States as well as their soccer team.  I have a feeling that Couilabaly agreeing to the interview had more to do with the fact that this blog has the least readership of any major publication in the world then my journalistic expertise.  Either way, we got the interview.  I decided not to ask him the obvious questions because I wanted to get to know the real Koman Coulibaly.  I also wanted to get him comfortable enough to talk about his horrible disgrace.  The interview follows:


Real Kept Dude:  Koman, may I call you "Stupid Idiot"?


Couilabaly:  I prefer "Koman"


Real Kept Dude:  Ok, Koman, I am not going to ask you about the U.S. vs. Slovenia because I am sure you have heard enough about it and will likely cry yourself to sleep for the rest of your life, soooo what is your favorite song?


Coulibaly:  I like Bruce Springsteen's "Blinded by the Light" and the classic "Three Blind Mice"


Real Kept Dude:  Can you name a few of your favorite musicians/artists?


Coulibaly:  I have quite a collection of 8 tracks including:  Blind Faith, Ray Charles, Stevie Wonder, Third Eye Blind and Blind Melon to name a few.


Real Kept Dude:  How about movies, do you have some favorites?

Coulibaly:  I enjoyed Scent of a Woman, The Blind Side, The Miracle Worker, I Am Sam and Nell

Real Kept Dude:  There seems to be common thread in your answers, but I can't put my finger on it.

Coulibaly:  No, I am not gay.

Real Kept Dude:  What is your favorite form of transportation?

Coulibaly:  I like rickshaws as well as those small buses I sometimes see.  Some of them have a name of a school system or something like "Minnieland".

Real Kept Dude:  What are your favorite TV Shows?

Coulibaly:  I enjoy most Fox News shows such as Glenn Beck and Hannity as well as "Jersey Shore", "Real Housewives of New Jersey", "American Idol", "The Celebrity Apprentice", "Project Runway" and "Keeping Up With the Kardashians"  Oh, I also love Keith Olberman.

Real Kept Dude:  What will you do with your free time?

Coulibaly:  I am planning a fishing trip with my good friend and fellow ref/umpire:  Jim Joyce.

Real Kept Dude:  Has your refereeing skills improved since you decided to insert your head into your arse for World Cup 2010.

Coulibaly:  I didn't hear the question, my head was in my arse.

Real Kept Dude:  never mind.

Real Kept Dude:  Thank you for your time Koman.  I appreciate it and I am sure my readers will as well.

Coulibaly:  No problem, do you validate parking?

Real Kept Dude:  This was a phone interview.  I don't know where you are parked.

Coulibaly:  Oh, ok.

Are You Going To Go My Way?

I have reached the point in my blogwriting career where I need to ask the question: are my readers prepared to be entertained in a way where they will consider shunning other forms of media?  Is that even possible in a world?  I have been patiently waiting for an audience to build and I have taken steps to try to speed up the process.  It's not that I don't want to entertain the small audience that I have now, but my time is limited as is the reader's time.  There are more important things to do then read a blog or solve an environmental catastrophe.  I mean "Glee" is on as is "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" as well as a new season of that "Blank Shore" show that the kids love.  As Axl Rose so eloquently put it "Just a little patience, yeah, yeah ... I've been walking the streets at night, just tryin' to get it right ..."  I am trying to get it right.  In fact, I was walking the streets [ok, it was my lawn] at night and I saw 3 deer run across the street at the same time my neighbor was driving up to his house.  I don't think he saw the deer in time, so I put up my hands and closed my eyes to focus on making his car stop.  Guess what?  It stopped. So, I not only have super blogwriting skills, but I have super powers to stop moving objects.  The other day I was putting the clothes in the dryer and I stumbled upon an article of clothing that was kind of silky.  I thought it a large scarf, so I studied it further.  Just then, Anita walked into the laundry room and yelled "Jas, that's my underwear!"  Ok, I was just checking if you were still reading.  Am I getting to a point?  Does it matter?  Is it time to really dig in and write to my full entertainment potential?  Time will tell.

Are You Ticklish?

The Keepin' It Real In The Suburbs (KIRITS) blog reached an important milestone.  We had our 1000th unique visitor.  I installed a site counter about 2 weeks after I started the blog and on today, June 13, 2010, we hit 1000 unique visitors.  The site counter is great, it gives me all sorts of information like what sites people came to the blog from as well as what sites they went to after they finished with the blog.  In 4 months, I have discovered that an alarming amount of people that read this blog also seem to enjoy a tickling fetish ....  Just kidding.  The exit site always shows up as the blog site, so no need to be worried.  By the way, it was very difficult to find a picture of tickling that didn't have the appearance of some sort of perversion.  Any way, I wanted to celebrate by introducing everyone to a dance that they may or may not know already know.  It's called ...  "The Potty Dance".  So thank you for visiting and  your continued support ... and goochie goochie goo you pervs!

Confusion

I may have caused some confusion with the poll that I put on the blog.  I asked whether the blog posts were too long, just right or if it really didn't matter.  At the same time, I shortened the length of my posts. Now I don't know if the ... get ready for this ... 4 PEOPLE that are satisfied with the length of the posts are satisfied based on the shorter length or enjoyed the multi-paragraph run on blogs.  So there you have it.  No go vote.  It is your right as citizens of the KIRITS nation.

[Not] Too Much Time On My Hands

We are less than 2 months away from adding to our household, gaining another tax exemption as well as loads of responsibility.  Are we ready?  Hecksticks no!  You know what though?  We will make it work; we always do.  You know why?  Because we are keepin' it real in the suburbs.  I can't believe it's true but this blog has healing powers, it can make your life better and solve all of your problems.  It's odd that people haven't realized it by now.  

We are expecting a girl and have narrowed down the names to just a few.  We have not prepared for the possibility that the doctor might have identified the gender incorrectly.  In fact, when we found out, the technician walked out of the room for a bit and Anita said it is possible that if it's a boy that they might not have been able to see his "junk" due to his genetics.  Ouch, that hurt.  I think everyone is hoping for a girl because at this point, I am sticking to my guns on a boy's name of "The Edge".  I have the distinct feeling that my girl name choices of Josephine Gibbs Vettickal or Alexandra Ovechkin Vettickal will not prevail.


So many things to do before Baby #2.  We need to decide what magazine will publish the first photos.  We have so many offers ...

Heart of Stone

In the course of this last week, our daughter, Ivana  has started taking showers and sleeping in a big girl's bed in her new room.  In the course of that same week, we have learned of her ability to manipulate us with a few simple words:  "Ivana hungry" and "help Ivana".  She uses the "Ivana hungry" when she knows we are about to take her up to go to bed.  "Help Ivana" is a little more complicated.  She uses it when she doesn't want to go to bed or if she is trying to get out of bed.  Last night, we made her sleep in her new room in the big girl bed.  She cried and protested with "help Ivana" for at least 20 minutes, but we decided to follow through and not relent to her crying.   I realized at that point, that the "sleep scheduler, book following cult" must have hearts of stone.  To be able to hear your kid cry for that long and not do anything!  It was difficult, but we knew we had to temporarily turn our hearts to stone.  I also realized, in defense of the "sleep scheduler, book following cult", the kid will still love you when they wake up in the morning.

I'm trying some new things to generate more readers as the facebook thing isn't working out too great.  So bear with me.  I did some research and realized that maybe the posts are too long, so I have a poll out there to see what you all think.

Mailing It In

All [6 of you], 

I wanted to get some questions answered as my last "Mailing it In" blogpost proved to be extremely popular.  I think like 28 people might have read it, which is pretty impressive for this blog.  If you sense sarcasm, you are incorrect.  If so you sense an appearance by the Scotsman, Bitter McBitter, you are absolutely correct.  I would love to have a bigger audience.  In truth, I'm not really bitter.  I know I just need to try harder and hopefully more people will read and even forward the blog to their friends.  Enough bitching and on with the post:

Dear Famous Blogger,


When you entered the playoff beard contest was it coincidence that you also were sporting the playoff mullet?  -D. Bag, Canada.   

Real Kept Dude says:  D. Bag, It couldn't have been a coincidence as I did not have a mullet.  I did have long hair though.  People with thinning hair often poke fun of me when I grow my hair out.  I assume it is out of jealousy, eh?  I have this friend from Canada that I met 24 years ago at a conference.  I believe he had a mullet when I met him.  He was probably trying to emulate his idol, Canadian hockey star, Wayne Gretzky.

To: Famous Blogger

From: Associated Press


Albert Haynesworth claims subliminal messages in your blog led him to knock up the stripper. Care to comment?

Real Kept Dude says:  Hey Ass. Press, Fat Albert couldn't even say the phrase "subliminal messages" without keeling over from losing his breath.  That is a lot of syllables.  Plus, everyone knows that guys in the suburbs aren't dumb enough to knock up strippers.  They are however, dumb enough to knock up their wives.  Before I got married, I really thought that babies came from the stork.  I didn't realize that I would have to degrade myself with certain "acts" ...

To:realkept@gmail.com

From: maps@google.com


Sir we believe that for the sake of accuracy that you should change the blog name to "Rural Reports from HayMarket"

Real Kept Dude says:  I get the "rural" jokes all the time.  I don't find them funny.  You know what I find funny though?  I have this guy friend that gets manicures and pedicures and puts on clear nail polish.  Now that is funny!  We even have nail salons in Haymarket and I bet they have clear nail polish.  

Suburbs Guy, Coach Reid wanted to punish me by sending me to the offensive line-less Redskins.  I know that I'll be getting beat up by defensives.  Should I hire Blackwater to protect me?  Scared Poopless, D. McNabb

Real Kept Dude says:  You really should kick that fat walrus Andy Reid's ass for making you go back to pass 60 times a game.    Don't worry, we have so much confidence in our offensive line and your ability to stay healthy, that we made Rex Grossman your backup QB.  Actually, every time I think of your backup, I really do TOL (Think Out Loud) "Gross man, that's disgusting!"

Kept  Guy, Where should I hide my white hood and robe?   Missin' the Good 'Ol Days, B. McDonnell


Real Kept Dude says:  Don't worry Gov., you won't get roasted and summarily dismissed for your past misdeeds because you weren't coached to speak like "Kenneth" from "30 Rock" in your Republican Response to the State of the Union address.  Plus, since you're not brown, Ann Coulter can't call you an extra from "Slumdog Millionaire".  So buck up and go hang out with your boys and fellow grand wizards like you're Harry Potter.  Calm down righties, I know he wasn't in the KKK.  

Brown Rice, I'm a money-making machine, but I think my jig is coming up soon.  What should I do next?  Socially Unjust, G. Beck


Real Kept Dude says:  I sometimes do "readings" of your books at the local Costco.  They always get a good laugh.  I think you should take your $$$$ and go retire to wherever other fat clowns retire.  Or, you could use your impressive research skills to help with the revisions of the textbooks in Texas.  Or, you could become a spokesman for Massengill and Hefty

Real Kept, If I get an offer from Fox, should I take the job?  Screaming from the Left, K. Olberman


Real Kept Dude says:  Yes, you should because you don't need to be talented to be a Fox News "Personality".  Also, can you just stick to sports and shut up about anything else?  

Kept Dawg, If you were a rapper, what would be your name?  Believ'n in da 'Ol Skool, 8-Track Tape Playa

Real Kept Dude says:  In my gangsta rap band: SNWA, my name is Anoop Doggy Dogg.  You should check out our first album:  Straight Outta Mumbai.  I also wouldn't mind Turbanator X.

Exurbs guy, What will happen and when you meet Ivana's first boyfriend?  What would you advise him?  Second Amendment Rules! Smith N. Wesson


Real Kept Dude says: I have often told people that Ivana is going to be married to God, therefore, a nun.  So if I met God, I would probably be asking him to let me into Heaven.  If she actually ends up having a boyfriend, I would ask him his shoe size and if he likes fishing.

Precious, Would you consider doing a duet with me? Luv Mo' of Me, M. 'Nique

Real Kept Dude says:  Of course Mo'Nique, I would do it in a heartbeat.  Of course it would have to be the Aaron Neville and Linda Ronstadt classic "I Don't Know Much" and you would need to bring "Precious" for inspiration.

Real Kept Patron, I'm thinking about buying the Cleveland Indians.  I definitely will be changing the logo and signing Maddux, Clemens, Martinez, Glavine, and Cone for more rotation.  (This would be awesome.)  Should I stick with the current ignorant theme or honor real Indians from India, a country with thousands of years of history?  If you think I should honor real Indians, should we change the logo to a dot on our hats?  What do you think about replacing our hats and helmets with turbans?  Cruzin with Cruise, D. Snyder


Real Kept Dude says:  I would go with real Indians from India as the theme and use a stick figure of a guy in front of a computer with a headset.  


Real Kept Dude, How do you feel about the Gore's recent split up?


Real Kept Dude says:  I can't comment at this time.  I am too distraught from  hearing this morning on the "Junkies" that Heidi and Spencer are in splitzville!


Real Smart Guy, What would be your solution to the gushing oil in the Gulf of Mexico?


Real Kept Dude says:  I'm no scientist, but BP stands for British Petroleum, right?  I would remove about 4 teeth from Prince Charles' grill and use them to plug the leak.


All right peeps, that is all the time I have for now.  I will be back soon with another post