Oscars 2013: The Blog, Part II

There has been about a 30 minute segment of terribly boring awards.  I hope you will tune in to Part II though.  Hopeful that things will get more entertaining.

9:40 PM:  I could watch Daniel Day Lewis play any role.  I would watch him play Tony Romo in a film called: "Every Which Way To Lose"
9:47 PM:  If my screenplay about a guy who writes a blog to an imaginary audience, I think I have a shot at a Best Original Screenplay Oscar.  In keeping with the suburban theme, I would totally be wearing Target to the Red Carpet.

9:49 PM:  The back of Jennifer Garner's dress reminds me of the TV show the kids have been watching recently:  Dragon Tales
9:54PM:  John Travolta on stage and looking like he could use a massage and um, his hair looks um, rejuvenated, if you will ...
9:55 PM:  Jiminy Christmas!  CZ-J looks great!  She reminds me of some of the cougars that show up at the local bars of the suburbs
9:58:  Good Lord!  how many Weight Watchers points can you deduct for having to listen to Jennifer Hudson for the 7,339th time this year?  I kid, that B can sing

Hold Me Now [please Anne Hathaway]

10:01 PM:  Hugh Jackman is so GD handsome

10:02 PM:  Anne Hathaway's haircut reminds me of the lead singer of the Thompson Twins
10:13 PM:  They really could cut the show down to about an hour and a half
10:16 PM:  Dude that won tie for Sound Editing?  Looks like shaving injury or something above his lip.
10:16 PM:  I guess long haired guys are locks to win Sound Editing awards.  Makes sense
10:20 PM:  Best Supporting Actress award ... finally something of substance.
10:23 PM:  Anne Hathaway beat a bunch of old ladies and Amy Adams.
10:23 PM:  OMG Hugh Jackman's wife?  A pants suit?????
10:30 PM:  I really need to do more research before trying to blog about the Oscars.
10:31 PM:  I have nothing when it comes to Oscars small talk
10:33 PM:  If your name is William Goldenberg, do you think you know as a child that you will eventually make it to Hollywood?
10:35 PM:  Performing "Skyfall" Melissa McCarthy of "Mike and Molly" fame
10:36 PM:  Whatever happened to Susan Boyle?
10:38 PM:  I'm predicting a standing ovation
10:38 PM:  Anita noticed Adele's Louis Vuitton shoes
10:39 PM:  The old Hollywood people's legs were too tired for the standing ovation

gimme drugs, can't believe i cheated on
my pasty boyfriend

10:44 PM:  Nicole Kidman!  I don't need the constant reminder that I forgot the dang Saran Wrap and will not be able to take advantage of the great deal that ended today
10:46 PM:  I wonder if Anita would want to see "Silver Linings Playbook" if Philip Seymour Hoffman was playing the lead role instead Bradley Cooper
10:48 PM:  Kristen Stewart, strung out on something like usual.  Poor Harry Potter.  He's going to have to hold her up pretty soon




10:55:  Beginning to realize, that after about 2 1/2 hours of sitting in front of this dumb awards show with my laptop, 8 people might read this.  Maybe this isn't my future meal ticket as I have always believed ... @:(  [indian sad face]
11:02 PM:  Babs, even before the light came on, Anita knew it was her from her nose
11:03 PM:  If you put a beard on Barbara Streisand, she would potentially be a nominee for directing a film about the 16th president of the United States
11:07 PM:  I need to go back to the commercial teasing about a new reality contest about celebrities diving.  and here we go, it's that commercial again.  Kareem Abdul Jabbar diving?

You had me at your job's your credit

11:09 PM:  Renee Zelwegger's "face looks jacked up", as Anita put it.  She's pretty wrecked too.  Richard Gere was clearly trying to give her a hard time.  Her squinting has gotten worse. She looks like Gilbert Gottried in the new Eastern Motors commercial with Brian Orakpo
11:17 PM:  Oh no, Adele won.  She's going to start crying
11:22 PM:  Charlize Theron ... any effect she may have had on my midsection, has been counteracted by Dustin Hoffman.
11:26 PM:  Skinny Stiffler wins Best Adapted Screenplay!
11:27 PM:  Quentin Tarantino wins Best Original Screenplay.  I love that f-in goofball
11:34 PM:  My bird, ParrottyBird likes Jane Fonda's yellow dress
11:34 PM:  Ang Lee in an upset for Best Director!
11:39 PM:  Never thought I would say this:  The lingerie commercial from JC Penney made me gasp out loud and start wheezing just a bit.
11:39 PM:  I'm ok with Debbie Harry lending "Rapture" to help liquor.  Liquor is helping us raise two girls in this day and age.
11:43 PM:  Old lady from "Amour" clip for Best Actress had to be the one where she was B-slapped? really????
11:44 PM:  Jennifer Lawrence tripped on her way up and I was just saying how impressive it was that she won ...  of course Hugh Jackman ran up to help.  He's such a GD dashing gentleman.
11:46 PM:  I"m trying to argue with Anita that Daniel Day Lewis' acting is more handsome than Bradley Cooper's face
11:48 PM:  Watching Hugh Jackman with his wife and he looks (dead inside being with her)
11:49 PM:  I love this guy DDL, but I feel bad for Joaquin.  he deserves an Oscar after all his performances.
11:53 PM:  OMG, conservative bloggers/radio hosts/Fox News, etc are going to have a field day with FLOTUS talking about the Best Picture.  This likely cost $1 Trillion.
11:56 PM:  FLOTUS gives the Oscar to Argo.  I'm sure it was an Executive Order
11:59 PM:  I am loving Ben Affeck's fast speech.
12:01 AM:  It has been confirmed ... 2013 is the year of the beard!   and to quote Quentin Tarantino ... Peace out!

Oscars 2013: The Blog, Part I

I really love to see the build up and anticipation for huge entertainment events like the awards shows, sporting events and the biggest of entertainment events:  The Keepin' It Real In The Suburbs Oscars 2013 Blog!

Anne Hathaway's Oscar Dress as seen in
Austin Powers

I skipped most of the Red Carpet show because as most people know, I'm fashion averse.  I did happen to tune in when Anne Hathaway was being interviewed.  Apparently it was rather cold in her chest area.  Really cold ...

8:27 PM:  Commercial for "Splash", a celebrity diving show?  really?  and we wonder why this country is going into the tank?

8:30 PM:  Seth McFarlane made Tommy Lee Jones laugh.
8:32 PM:  Ben Affleck must have seen me rocking my beard at the local Target.  He's totally copying me.

8:35 PM:  I'm amazed that these Hollywood windbags get so uptight.

I heard he's next playing Jared in
the Subway Diet Movie

8:40 PM:  Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron!  Wheeeze!  If they had a baby ...   btw, Channing Tatum looks like he is wearing Walmart's house brand today
8:41 PM:  Seth McFarlane is not working out so well
8:45 PM:  He redeemed himself a bit in the making out with Sally Field bit
8:47 PM:  Finally, the first award!  Best Supporting Actor
8:48 PM:  I haven't seen any of the nominated movies
8:48 PM:  Alan Arkin was great in "Little Miss Sunshine"
8:49 PM:  Phillip Seymour Hoffman should challenge himself in his next role and play a skinny guy
8:50 PM:  Christoph Waltz, 2 for 2 and both in Tarantino films.  Wow, he beat some legends
8:55 PM:  Somebody on Facebook made a joke Melissa McCarthy and Adele being the same person after the Golden Globes.  If I were not on the quiet car on the train, I totally would have LOL'd
8:56 PM:  John Travolta sighting!  An alert has been put out to all Masseurs in the local area.
9:01 PM:  Jessica Chastain shot, for some reason I'm craving Ginger Ale ...
9:05 PM:  George Clooney has confirmed that my beard look is catching on.  This is exciting for me.

Not sure which one won?

9:07 PM:  One of the Nelson brothers grew up and became a cinematographer and won a freaking Oscar!
9:12 PM:  Wow, I can't believe the band played Jaws music to drown out the Visual Effects winners.  Dat's cold dawg.  Nicole Kidman agreed
9:15 PM:  Can't get enough of the Dikembe Mutombo GEICO commercial. Speaking of Dikembe, a friend of mine once told me that Dikembe used to go to parties at Georgetown and say "Who is going to sex Mutombo tonight?"
9:17 PM:  Jennifer Aniston just reminded me!  I forgot the dang Saran Wrap at Costco today!  It was the last day of the sale too.
9:18 PM:  First muting of the sound to listen for crying kid.  Not worried it's the Costume Design award
9:19 PM:  Seriously, i'm wondering if Jennifer Aniston is having trouble moving her mouth.

Could also be a Nasonex ad

9:24 PM:  Music of Bond tribute, so was Timothy Dalton better as Bond or the guy in Beautician and the Beast?
9:27 PM:  That Bond singing thing started out super weird and then got a standing ovation.  Was it because the lady was old?  Standing ovations used to mean something.

So crusty 

9:30 PM:  Ameriprise chose Tommy Lee Jones because they thought that people would just think the old guy would yell at them  if they don't choose Ameriprise



9:33 PM:  I'm going to cut Part I off now, as we have reached a super boring awards segment.  I have been making Live Action Short Films my whole life and have never been given recognition.  Someday ....

Bear With Me

I understand why people have not been coming back to the Blog in droves.  I do appreciate those that have taken the time to read the last few posts.  I know they may not be as entertaining as you had become accustomed to.  Please bear with me, I am working back into this and if you stick with it, I think you will be rewarded.

Love you Lotz,

RKD

Driving Miss Isi

When people ask what I do for a living, I tell them that I Commute.  I have been Commuting for many years now.  If you know me at all, you would know that I really can't stand the commute in the DC area.  In fact, when I hear the phrase "death sentence was commuted by the Governor", I always think that the Governor should sentence the criminal to commuting in this area.  Definitely worse than death.

Almost five years ago, my commute got more interesting when I added Ivana to it.  I have discussed this in previous posts.  Eventually, this commute added another passenger or "Slug" for the commuting savvy.  Driving Ivana and Isla was quite an adventure.

Mercenary way is very strong at Montessori

In September of last year, Ivana started going to a Montessori school near our home (or Mercenary school, as my cousin once accidentally referred to it).  This meant it was my Isi (Isla) and me on the commute.  Now the life of a chauffer/DJ/technology consultant/flight attendant is not easy.   It takes a great degree of skill, patience, determination and a set of Go Go Gadget arms.

this ill fitting shirt looks like it belongs
on an adult in the Dumfries Walmart

As DJ, you get specific song requests, and as I have discussed in previous posts, this can be the same song over and over for the whole 40 minutes to daycare.  Listening to the theme song to Dora the Explorer 25 times in a row can make you want to use your Go Go Gadget arms to choke yourself.  Speaking of Dora, I don't understand how a girl that travels through forests and jungles with just a talking monkey and a lot of expensive tools at her disposal can't afford to get a shirt that fits.

I am often ordered to sing the songs playing if it calls for a male vocalists.  If I accidentally sing a female part, I get reprimanded very quickly.  Recently, the song that opens "The Lion King", "Circle of Life" has been playing and I have to sing the Zulu language opening.  Here are the lyrics and I can tell you that I do my best but it sounds mostly like gibberish:

Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba [Here comes a lion, Father]
Sithi uhm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]

Nants ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama

Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala [A lion and a leopard come to this open place]


I really wish she would just accept the English translation. 

The greatest part of being the DJ/Chauffer is when I get to roll the windows down whilst the "Muffin Man" is playing to help drown out young males that like to blast loud and profane music with their windows down.  The quizzical looks on their faces is priceless.

G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S

Ok, I'm done for now.  

What's In A Name

Thank you for the rave reviews on my last post, the first blog post in almost one year.  I feel very blessed to have so many readers that are touched by my words.

No words ...

I wanted to discuss the latest hoopla about my favorite sports team's nickname, the Redskins.  I understand that this has been controversial topic, especially for Native Americans.  I agree that the name is offensive, not only for Native Americans, but for sunburned humans all across the world.  I do think that there are plenty of other offensive team nicknames throughout sports.

I like to wear a bowtie to a football game

The city of Cleveland has offensive names for all 3 of their major sports teams.  I begin with the Cleveland Browns.  This is offensive to "Browns" like me all over the place.  Next, the Cleveland Indians.  Again, the baseball team couldn't be a little bit creative???  Then, we have the NBA team, the Cleveland Cavaliers.  Everyone knows that is offensive to all the douches in the world.


The city of Cleveland has gone through a pretty extensive championship drought.  They have come close a few times, but their last title came in 1964 before the the Football championship even became the Super Bowl.  They really need to consider changing their team names.  They are as cursed as the Redskins.

Sinead O'Connor sings ways better than Taylor Swift!

Notre Dame has another offensive nickname:  "The Fighting Irish".  Don't you think the Irish have gone through enough?  How about the Dallas Cowboys?  There have to be a handful of half cow, half boys that get made fun of and then have to live what that team name as well.  The Detroit Pistons is not very sensitive to the population groups that have to urinate often, ie, Piss a ton.  The Arizona Cardinals likely offend Catholic Cardinals who have covered up years of sexual abuse.  I bet they would like them to change the name to the Arizona Boy Scouts to deflect attention from them.  The Utah Jazz has to remind DJ Jazzy Jeff of his career arc compared to Will Smith.  I think certain men that appear on that show where Chris Hansen surprises them with a camera after posing as an underage kid, would prefer that the Nashville hockey team changed their name.

I could go on and on, but I think the point is that we should probably focus on the laundry list of terrible things that happen in the world as opposed to offensive team names.

Clubber Lang and Drago

The last time a posted a blog entry was February 5th, 2012 for the Super Bowl.  I only wrote through the halftime show.  I don't think it was well received and it clearly was not my best work.  I felt at the time that I was "mailing it in" so to speak.  Here's the thing, I really take pleasure in at least trying to make people laugh and smile.  When I started the blog back in 2010, I gained some momentum in the first few months and then started to fizzle right about the time that Isla was born.  What follows now is not an offering of an excuse, but moreso an explanation as to what has happened since that point.

After our first daughter, Ivana was born in 2008, we kind of learned on the job how to be a parent to an infant and then toddler.  We definitely heard from a lot of people with advice and tips and we appreciated all that.  I am not going to lie to you, it was never an easy undertaking, but the reward cannot be measured.  People asked if we were going to try for another and I definitely answered that we can barely handle one, so we're going to hold off for a while.

Woman! Hey Woman!

Fast forward to the Fall of 2009 and we found out the great news that we were expecting another little one.  This is where things began to unravel.  [spoiler alert if you haven't seen Rocky 2] If you saw the movie Rocky III, it starts out with a montage of Rocky's life after his defeat of Apollo Creed at the end of Rocky II.  He is defending his title against creampuffs while accumulating wealth and comfort.  Meanwhile, there is a young up and comer that is also winning fights named Clubber Lang.

You see, we thought we were ready for a 2nd kid and we had gotten a certain level of comfort in our lives.  However, little did we know that Clubber Lang was coming to take our title and send our life into a spiral.

When Isla was born, there was obvious joy and we were excited about the addition to our family.  There were signs though that we were headed for a showdown with and epic beatdown by Clubber Lang.  The taunting was beginning:
Clubber Lang: [Calling to Adrian; Smooth talks] "Hey, Woman. Hey, Woman! Listen here. Since your old man ain't got no heart, maybe you like to see a real man. I bet you stay up late every night dreamin' you had a real man, don't ya? I'll tell you what. Bring your pretty little self over to my apartment tonight, and I'll show you a real man."

Obviously, Clubber Lang had a lot more memorable quotes, but I think you get the point.  The foreshadowing was there.  Like Clubber Lang, the 2 kids were going to pummel us, take our title and send us into a downward spiral.  It happened.  

So for the last 2 years, we have been surviving.  Rocky III has segued into Rocky IV with the kids quoting Ivan Drago saying "I must break you"  and sequences where we're driving around thinking about our life with "There's No Easy Way Out" playing in our heads.  

Eye of the tiger

There is some exaggeration in this and I can tell you that we wouldn't trade this time for anything.  We are getting close to the really awkward beach hug scene in Rocky III between Apollo and Rocky.  We are ready to take on Clubber Lang and I am ready to produce the greatest blog posts ever.  I hope you will read and enjoy.  

Super Bowl XLVI Blog Part 1

6:26 PM:  Most surprising thing so far ... Cris Collinsworth has not mentioned Tony Romo yet
2nd most surprising thing:  Kelly Clarkson has won 2 GD Grammy Awards?????
3rd most surprising thing:  Tom Coughlin's hatless head looks like he should always wear a hat

top of head purposely left off due to odd shape

6:32 PM:  Starting to realize that doing a live Super Bowl Blog with 2 young kids might not work out so "live"
6:34PM:  It's a minor miracle that Collinsworth hasn't mentioned Tony Romo yet.
6:37 PM:  Run blocking doesn't appear to be Victor Cruz's forte
6:38 PM:  Excited punter, always entertaining to watch
6:38 PM:  Bud Light Platinum, sounds like pee pee in a fancy botle
6:39 PM:  Echo and the Bunnymen in an Audi Commercial, 4th surprise of the night
6:40 PM:  Gisele sighting.  That dude will never talk to someone that hot again.
6:41 PM:  SAFETY!!!!!!
6:41 PM:  Does Vegas have a bet for a safety as the first score?  Also, is showing shots of Gisele bad luck for her hubby?  we shall see.
6:42 PM:  Elton John used his own wardrobe for that Pepsi commercial.  In fact, I think he supplied the wardrobe for the entire cast

She can tackle me any time

6:45 PM:  Kyle Arrington looked like Jill Arrington trying to make a tackle

6:52 PM:  Water spill at Real Kept Household leading to time being off
6:53 PM:  Victor Cruz fumble overturned by 12 men on field penalty ... someone is going to get cut during the game.
6:55 PM:  Victor Cruz TD and now some salsa dancing
7:06 PM:  Debbie Gibson, oy vay, she looks terrrrrible
7:07 PM:  Bill Bellichick on the phone with his dad, Satan
7:20 PM:  9-3, commercials have been a poop sandwich so far
7:22 PM:  I mean really?  the dude that plays Tim Riggins on Friday Night Lights is now an action hero????  I don't buy it.  Saracen should have been the action hero
7:23 PM:  Madonna only has 5 more Grammy's than Kelly Clarkson.  something's wong there.
7:32 PM:  First signs of excitement from Anita, David Beckham commercial for underpants
admittedly, i got excited too.  those underpants look super comfy
7:35 PM:  Collinsworth has a Danny Woodhead for JPP
7:37 PM:  Travis Beckum tore his ACL right before a David Beckham underwear commercial, coincidence?
7:38 PM:  Is Jerrod Mayo the best linebacker named after a condiment?
7:39 PM:  oh geez, Wes Welker's stache is awful

Stand back, it's my cousin Hakeem

7:39 PM:  is Hakeem Nicks related to Stevie Nicks?
7:41 PM:  Steve Weatherford, Super Bowl XLVI MVP
7:52PM:  Gronk is in the game.
7:54 PM:  don't know what gave me a danny woodhead, more the Avengers trailer or the Teleflora commercial right after it.

Jiminy Christmas, wheeze.

7:58 PM:  This goes without saying, but Tom Brady really likes tight ends
8:00 PM:  Patriots O Line is keeping Brady pretty safe


8:04 PM:  Who's down with JPP? Danny Woodhead behind the line of scrimmage

that is some high quality H2O

8:04 PM:  apparently JPP's coaches used the same coaching technique that they used with Bobby Boucher
8:07 PM:  10-9 Patriots at the half after a clutch 96 yard drive by the Pats
8:10 PM:  Madonna halftime show ... typical cheap production value
8:11 PM: in honor of Tom Brady, "Vogue"
8:11 PM:  please don't break a hip Madge
8:12 PM:  apparently Madonna is in a feud with Elton John.
8:14 PM:  Madonna decided to stop moving slow as if she was Elton's age
8:15 PM:  LMFAO, really?
8:17 PM:  lip syncing seems to be happening, but she's putting on a good show if you like sucky music.  j/k.
8:20 PM:  Madonna did a straddling type pose and the camera behind her lowered and made it appear that she was dropping a deuce.

 

look to the right of the pom pom