Mailing It In

I wanted to start a regular weekly post where I answer questions submitted by readers to the blog's email address:  realkept@gmail.com.  I started this yesterday afternoon and was almost done and blogspot crashed and I lost my work.  Then, late last night, after at least 5 beers, I started over from memory.  Blogspot crashed again!  This morning you could call me Bitter McBitter.  So, I am going to try again.  Hopefully the LOL level will be high, but there is the possibility of some ALOLs ("jeez, this is really Awkward LOL").  Anywho, here goes:

Dear Mr. Real Kept:  What is the worst thing that you have done and got away with? - K. Rove and D. Cheney and B. Clinton, Washington, DC

RKSD (Real Kept Suburbs Dude) says:  First of all, what are the chances of three people in the same city asking the same question?????  Contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect.  I think the worst thing that I have done and gotten away with started with the acting class I took that was taught by Mario Lopez.  We reenacted the scene from "Saved By The Bell" where "Jessie" had to be calmed down by Zack when she was addicted to caffeine pills.  It was a very deep and emotional scene.  I kind of think Mario believed he should have been given the role to rescue his onscreen girlfriend during that scene.  The producers must have thought that he might hurt her with his rock hard biceps.  Anyway, the acting skills I gained from that class came in handy when I "acted" my way into getting this hot chick wearing a dog collar at a wedding to give me her number.  That hot chick became my wife and I owe it to Mario Lopez's class that gave me my ability to act like a super cool FAG (Fantastically Awesome Guy).

DB:  How will the Chinese business man who bought Volvo pronounce "Volvo"? - Ano Nymous

RKSD says:  Thanks for the lovely greeting Ano, this one is easy:  "Vahrvo".  Bonus Answer:  FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) Indian guy would pronounce it "Wallwhoa"

Hey Lard Ass:  If a man has manboobs, is it appropriate for him to go topless?  -  J. Canseco, Miami, FL

RKSD says:  As an owner of manboobs, the answer is "HELL NO!"  I mean, when people ask me my age I tell them that if you add a "B" after my age, you get my bra size.

Hey Buttmunch:  Where do the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy live? - R. O'Donnell, Hollywood, CA

RKSD says:  The Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy have been in a long term relationship for many years now.  They recently relocated to a place that is more accepting of their lifestyle choice:  Alabama.

Mr. Real Kept:  If I had a dog and my dog pooped on your lawn but had the runs, would you expect me to pick it up?  If so, how? - Ano Nymous, Elkhart, IN

RKSD says:  Yeah, I will have a blogpost devoted to poop of all kinds in the near future.

Hey Real Kept:  How do you resist the women that throw themselves at you because of your talent and wit?  - E.T. Woods, Orlando, FL

RKSD says:  E.T. phone home often.  Ha!  Actually, before I go out to places where desirable women may be, like the local Target, I go to my mom's house and hang out there while she is frying fish and/or making masala dosa.  Then I focus really hard on the cover of my favorite comedy book and try to mimic the clown on the cover. Works every time.

Hey Hansome Mcgee:  Can you post a pic of yourself so we can gaze on your beateousness?  - M. Fox, Hollywood, CA

RKSD says:  Go to the grocery store and pick up a Bosc Pear.  Get a black sharpie and draw big, dreamy eyes, a giant honker a goatee and long hair.  That's me!

Sir Real Kept:  What do you think Danny Snyder is thinking right now? -  JK Cooke, Bahamas

He is thinking that Tom Cruise better agree to star in "Top Gun II:  The Return of Goose".  He is also wondering if on his way out of the organization, Vinny lowered the executive urinals for him and Tom.

Hey Mr. Intolerant Suburban:  Are you as politically incorrect in real life as you are in this space?  - S. Penn, Hollywood, CA

RKSD says: Well, do you think the words "politically" and "correct" belong together in any reference???  So of course.  I keep it real but I don't single anyone out and I target myself as often as anybody else.  However, there are times I become hypersensitive like today at our neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt.  BTW, does anyone know where you get a Hunting Permit for Easter Eggs?  So we took Ivana to the Easter Egg Hunt and on the way out, she was talking about the giant monkey on top of this huge moonbounce contraption.  So I told her to say "bye monkey".  Just then, I noticed a black family walking close by.  I got a little worried that they might think I was referring to them. Then I realized how silly that was and moved on.  If you see some of the bumper stickers on vehicles in our area, you would understand why I got worried.

Real Kept Dude:  How are you spending your Easter?  - Ano Nymous

RKSD says:  Speaking of "spending", I have been thinking about how Judas really got "gypped".  He only got 30 pieces of silver to betray the Son of God?????  Who did his negotiating?  Master P???  No wonder a certain group has a reputation for finding "bargains" and "negotiation".  This Easter time is a very confusing and rough time for me.  I recently came to terms with my Jewish ancestry and along with my current religious background of Catholicism, I think about how my ancestors were responsible for killing Jesus, but He also died for our sins.
If it weren't for the Easter Bunny, I think I would be going crazy.

Real Kept Dawg:  How do you keep producing when people don't recognize you for your genious and prodigious talent?  -K. West, Chicago, IL

RKSD says:  I just keep writing.  I mean I want people to enjoy my posts and hopefully spread the word, but I only have 26 [beloved to me] followers so far and that number is growing at a snail's pace.  But I am going to keep keepin' it real in the suburbs.  Peace out