The best blog in the known universe regarding the important subject of keepin' it real in the suburbs. Be forewarned, politickle incorrectalarity may occur.
Some people do walks or races or biathlons or even triathlons for charity. I have decided to do something even more grueling than all of those: the 2010 Washington Capitals Beard-A-Thon!!!!!
Here is the link where you can go to find more information as well my profile where you can pledge tax deductible donations. I am not going to pressure you to pledge though.
I shaved my goatee on Monday morning so I could start from scratch. I will update my picture below with the beard progress every week at the Blog. I realized why Anita likes the goatee better after I had shaved it off on Monday. For some reason, the goatee helps create an optical illusion of a less ginormous nose. Now that I am clean shaven, I can truly appreciate the monstrosity that resides on my face: My Nose. I also understand why the Chin family that also resides on my face, always complain about the tower blocking their view.
During this time, I will have to avoid traveling as I highly doubt I will be allowed to board a plane once my beard starts getting out of control. I apologize in advance to all my fans as I will not be able to make any celebrity blogger appearances outside of the DC area.
Anyway, I hope that you will support the cause either by pledging and/or keeping up to date with progress of the beard. I also hope you watch the Caps make their run to bring home DC's first championship since January of 1992.
I wanted to apologize for the lack of updates. When you come from an accounting background, this time of year becomes extremely busy. I want to assure you that I will be updating more frequently including an announcement on a something-a-thon that I will be participating in as well as celebrity appearances, mailing it in posts, and many other things. I appreciate your patience while I nerd it up with the taxes and the math.
Thanks to 2 "I could care less" votes, there will be neither a "Naming the Baby" Blog nor Webisodes. This will make it difficult to pitch my follow on that I had planned: "Real Wives of the Suburbs".
It's a shame because you would be shocked at the drama that we see out in the suburbs. Seriously, people in the suburbs DO NOT save the drama for the Dalai Lama [like Richard Gere].
For the 2 people that voted "I could care less", I have prepared a statement that will be read by my friend James Todd Smith:
Let's get a couple of housekeeping items out of the way first. If you would like to send in questions to be answered in the next edition of "Mailing It In", please send them to realkept@gmail.com. Also, the voting for the Naming the Baby Reality Blog vs. Reality Webisodes vs. Who Give a F*&k? ends in like 13 hours. The two votes for Webisode have been disqualified due to voter fraud discovered during an independent review by former President Jimmy Carter. That means there are no votes either way which will lead our sponsors to cancel the Reality Blog or Webisode before it even premieres, much like the fate of potential great hit show: Secret Service Guy (1997) in which Judge Reinhold was slated to star in this sitcom, which FOX decided not to air. Anyway, thanks to President Carter for the lifetime supply of peanuts card that he gave us!
Yesterday I was fortunate enough to visit a Walmart in Dumfries, VA. BTW, can we make it a KIRITS Blog Law that sarcasm must be denoted by italics? Cool. So I needed to pick up a prescription for my mother in law. I should have taken it as a sign from God to turn back, when I tried to turn into Walmart, there was a sign that said "No Entrance Here, Use Entrance on Wayside Dr." Thanks for telling me sooner, evil Walmart Empire! Apparently, this particular Walmart was undergoing a transformation into a Super Walmart. What an oxymoron! There will be nothing "super" about this Walmart, except maybe if a shopper misspells "Supper" on their shopping list.
I walked in after finally arriving in the parking lot. I headed towards the pharmacy only to see a sign saying that the pharmacy is now located near the jewelry section. Is it sad that I kind of knew which way to head without asking anyone? Well, I have memorized the layouts of Walmarts so I can efficiently pick up whatever I need and be out of there within 15-20 minutes depending on the lines. I get to the pharmacy only to see a line about 7 or 8 people deep with only one register working. The customers seemed on the verge of a kind of half anger half depression. The woman that showed up behind me just keep reciting "ARE YOU SERIOUS?" over and over. At that point she counted the 6 people in front of her (including me) and concluded that at 10 minutes per person she was going to be there two hours ... Another woman sat down near a bench with her 5 or 6 year old daughter and started complaining about the people working behind the pharmacy counter. She exclaimed "that bitch behind the counter ... blah blah blah." I kept thinking that "this is what hell must be like". Secretly, I was thinking of ways to fake my own death so I could be
transported out of there.
I finally reached the front, got the prescription and walked away. I actually had a couple more things to look for. Even though I am vain ... I guess it's a lazy kind of vain because I don't want to expend the effort it takes to be as handsome as I used to be, I tend to wear average clothing. I was wearing khaki pants and a plain, navy blue polo shirt. I went down one aisle and was looking at the box of one particular item while holding the prescription bag. Some dude started asking me about something a few aisles over. I said "I don't know". He persisted and I thought of saying "no speak english", but he looked "Latino", so he may have started speaking Spanish. I just said rather gruffly, "I don't work here." Right after that, another person asked me a store related question and I told her that I didn't work there and she kind of snickered and apologized. Only 1 minute later, a guy in a motorized cart asked me if I worked there! It was the stupid plain navy blue polo shirt! There tends to be a decent percentage of Indian people working in Walmarts too. I wasn't insulted that people thought that I worked at Walmart, but I did make a life decision to upgrade my wardrobe.
I made my way to the front and I swear I saw like 6 people that looked like they auditioned for "Precious" as well as 4 people that could have been extras on the great HBO series "The Wire". Don't worry, there also appeared to be extras from "Slumdog Millionaire", failed contestants from TV's "The Biggest Loser" and even like half the party from the karaoke scene in "Lost in Translation"
So I get to the front and I had to pick up stamps at Customer Service. There were two guys [i guess they were "customers"] standing around just checking out women. They weren't dressed as if they had just come there from work unless they worked somewhere called "Chillin' Like Villains". I mean, if "Chillin'" were a profession, these guys would be at the top of their profession. Help me out, maybe we could call them Chillologists or Chillaxists.
I had finally completed my trip through hell/Walmart and lost 50 minutes of my life. I do not know many people that could survive 50 minutes in that Walmart let alone any Walmart.
I wanted to start a regular weekly post where I answer questions submitted by readers to the blog's email address: realkept@gmail.com. I started this yesterday afternoon and was almost done and blogspot crashed and I lost my work. Then, late last night, after at least 5 beers, I started over from memory. Blogspot crashed again! This morning you could call me Bitter McBitter. So, I am going to try again. Hopefully the LOL level will be high, but there is the possibility of some ALOLs ("jeez, this is really Awkward LOL"). Anywho, here goes:
Dear Mr. Real Kept: What is the worst thing that you have done and got away with? - K. Rove and D. Cheney and B. Clinton, Washington, DC
RKSD (Real Kept Suburbs Dude) says: First of all, what are the chances of three people in the same city asking the same question????? Contrary to popular belief, I am not perfect. I think the worst thing that I have done and gotten away with started with the acting class I took that was taught by Mario Lopez. We reenacted the scene from "Saved By The Bell" where "Jessie" had to be calmed down by Zack when she was addicted to caffeine pills. It was a very deep and emotional scene. I kind of think Mario believed he should have been given the role to rescue his onscreen girlfriend during that scene. The producers must have thought that he might hurt her with his rock hard biceps. Anyway, the acting skills I gained from that class came in handy when I "acted" my way into getting this hot chick wearing a dog collar at a wedding to give me her number. That hot chick became my wife and I owe it to Mario Lopez's class that gave me my ability to act like a super cool FAG (Fantastically Awesome Guy).
DB: How will the Chinese business man who bought Volvo pronounce "Volvo"? - Ano Nymous
RKSD says: Thanks for the lovely greeting Ano, this one is easy: "Vahrvo". Bonus Answer: FOB (Fresh Off the Boat) Indian guy would pronounce it "Wallwhoa"
Hey Lard Ass: If a man has manboobs, is it appropriate for him to go topless? - J. Canseco, Miami, FL
RKSD says: As an owner of manboobs, the answer is "HELL NO!" I mean, when people ask me my age I tell them that if you add a "B" after my age, you get my bra size.
Hey Buttmunch: Where do the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy live? - R. O'Donnell, Hollywood, CA
RKSD says: The Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy have been in a long term relationship for many years now. They recently relocated to a place that is more accepting of their lifestyle choice: Alabama.
Mr. Real Kept: If I had a dog and my dog pooped on your lawn but had the runs, would you expect me to pick it up? If so, how? - Ano Nymous, Elkhart, IN
RKSD says: Yeah, I will have a blogpost devoted to poop of all kinds in the near future.
Hey Real Kept: How do you resist the women that throw themselves at you because of your talent and wit? - E.T. Woods, Orlando, FL
RKSD says: E.T. phone home often. Ha! Actually, before I go out to places where desirable women may be, like the local Target, I go to my mom's house and hang out there while she is frying fish and/or making masala dosa. Then I focus really hard on the cover of my favorite comedy book and try to mimic the clown on the cover. Works every time.
Hey Hansome Mcgee: Can you post a pic of yourself so we can gaze on your beateousness? - M. Fox, Hollywood, CA
RKSD says: Go to the grocery store and pick up a Bosc Pear. Get a black sharpie and draw big, dreamy eyes, a giant honker a goatee and long hair. That's me!
Sir Real Kept: What do you think Danny Snyder is thinking right now? - JK Cooke, Bahamas
He is thinking that Tom Cruise better agree to star in "Top Gun II: The Return of Goose". He is also wondering if on his way out of the organization, Vinny lowered the executive urinals for him and Tom.
Hey Mr. Intolerant Suburban: Are you as politically incorrect in real life as you are in this space? - S. Penn, Hollywood, CA
RKSD says: Well, do you think the words "politically" and "correct" belong together in any reference??? So of course. I keep it real but I don't single anyone out and I target myself as often as anybody else. However, there are times I become hypersensitive like today at our neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt. BTW, does anyone know where you get a Hunting Permit for Easter Eggs? So we took Ivana to the Easter Egg Hunt and on the way out, she was talking about the giant monkey on top of this huge moonbounce contraption. So I told her to say "bye monkey". Just then, I noticed a black family walking close by. I got a little worried that they might think I was referring to them. Then I realized how silly that was and moved on. If you see some of the bumper stickers on vehicles in our area, you would understand why I got worried.
Real Kept Dude: How are you spending your Easter? - Ano Nymous
RKSD says: Speaking of "spending", I have been thinking about how Judas really got "gypped". He only got 30 pieces of silver to betray the Son of God????? Who did his negotiating? Master P??? No wonder a certain group has a reputation for finding "bargains" and "negotiation". This Easter time is a very confusing and rough time for me. I recently came to terms with my Jewish ancestry and along with my current religious background of Catholicism, I think about how my ancestors were responsible for killing Jesus, but He also died for our sins.
If it weren't for the Easter Bunny, I think I would be going crazy.
Real Kept Dawg: How do you keep producing when people don't recognize you for your genious and prodigious talent? -K. West, Chicago, IL
RKSD says: I just keep writing. I mean I want people to enjoy my posts and hopefully spread the word, but I only have 26 [beloved to me] followers so far and that number is growing at a snail's pace. But I am going to keep keepin' it real in the suburbs. Peace out
Governator JockCongress Nerd: Eric CantorSome nerd hacked my blogspot account as an April Fools joke and said that I'm going on hiatus. That is far from the truth. As a lifelong, self-proclaimed "jock", nerds are my sworn enemies. I will exact vengeance upon the nerd that did this. In fact, I think all self proclaimed jocks and jockettes should rise up and defeat all nerd hackers.
