Naming Conventions

In keeping up with this blog's tradition of recognizing emerging entertainment trends, The Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Executive Team is announcing something so stupendous, that you may not be able to handle it:  a NEW REALITY BLOG (for now).

Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Studios Presents, in association with Fat Bastard Productions, in partnership with M Night Shamalamadingdong:

Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Naming the Baby!!!!   A new reality blog (for now) that will chronicle the trials and tribulations in the Haymarket Vettickal Household relating to the naming of their baby with audience participation in the form of voting on names.

I am in talks with Anita about whether she will let me turn it into a Web Video series.  I am going to need my reader's support in convincing her.  More readers and followers would mos def sell the cause.  If WE are able to convince her, I think my cousin, M Night Shamalamadingdong will consider directing the Web Video series.   Although, I am not too pleased with the "surprise ending" in the film he directed of Ivana's birth .... [I knew the gardener seemed to be spending a little too much time around the house, i mean the landscaping looked like "Edward Scissorhands" had been there].

Don't forget to send in your questions by tomorrow night to realkept@gmail.com.  I have like 47 questions so far and I plan to answer every single one of them.

I leave you with this ....

Housekeeping

We appear to have a winner of the 1 billionth pageload contest. However, they are from Canada, where they already have universal healthcare. They will have settle for term limits for members of US Congress which will hopefully occur some time this century.  In the meantime, I offer you this:

Don't forget to send me comments or questions to realkept@gmail.com. I will be doing first Q&A blogpost on Wednesday, so please send me questions and I will post them along with my answers. Please send by 11:59 PM on Tuesday.

My sponsors have cancelled anymore discussion/flashbacks of when Anita and I first met or the courship due to terrible ratings (the viewership of the last post in that series was the lowest of all time at the Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Blog).  Please forgive me.  I was feeling giddy from hitting our 7th year anniversary.  FYI, I have not experienced the so called "seven year itch". I'm not sure what that term refers to, but I am assuming it means contracting "crabs" from "stepping out" after being married 7 years.  So far, so good for me!

Finally, another major announcement coming in tomorrows brand new post so stay tuned.  By the way, in case you didn't know, the picture at the beginning of the post is Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi getting a facelift.

No Surprises

The other morning when we were getting ready to get out the door in the morning, Anita busted me.  I was chasing Ivana around the kitchen, trying to get her jacket on and a commercial came on for Mercury.  A while back, there were these Mercury commercials that featured a woman talking about all the great features of the Mercury vehicles.  Um, it kind of almost convinced me to buy a Mercury.  Then this woman disappeared from the commercials for a while.  She has apparently returned to the commercials and she happened to be in the commercial that I happened to look up at while chasing Ivana around the kitchen.  My eagle eye wife busted me in an instant.


The truth is that all guys are POI'sPervs On the Inside).  We try to suppress it as much as possible, but sometimes we just can't control it and will slip for an instant.  The other universal truth is that wives have SPDA (Supernatural Perv Detecting Ability).  Anita got mad at me one morning because she had a dream that I had another kid from another woman.  In her dream, she did math to determine that the kid was young enough to have been born during our marriage.  I wasn't concerned about her crazy dream because another universal truth is that women be crazy.  However, the only question I asked her was if the "other woman" in the dream was "hot".  Now before you get all upset, women need to admit that they sometimes think the same way.  How many of you women can say that they haven't lingered in looking at images of say, Bradley Cooper or David Beckham.  We were watching the hilarious new show "Modern Family" and there was a guest appearance by Benjamin Bratt.  I happened to look over at Anita during a scene with Benjamin Bratt and she had a smile on her face and a thought cloud above her head that said "hey baby, you fiiiiiiine".


So you wonder why I'm talking about all this stuff.  On Wednesday, we found out the gender of the baby we are expecting.  When the Sonogram Tech told us, we were very happy.  However, a few minutes later, I began to think that I am going to have two daughters!  Two daughters that will someday have to deal with POI's.  I am really going to have make strong push towards the nunnery.  Ivana does like penguins ...

I'm Jack Bauer and I'll Smack Your Terrorist Butt (spoiler alert: don't read if you are not caught up with season 8)

We have been watching the show "24" for about 6 years now.  We caught up on the first two seasons with Netflix.  We have been hooked since the first time we saw it.  We are now in season 8 and tonight is the 13th hour.  If you haven't watched "24" you are really missing out.  I know it can be a little over the top with the silly side stories and unbelievable fast pace, but it's literally can't miss TV for 24 straight Mondays every year.  Season 13 involves more Indian guys playing the roles of terrorists on U.S. soil.  Anil Kapoor, who played the "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire" host in "Slumdog Millionaire", plays the President of the Islamic Republic.  He seems to get betrayed by everyone close to him.  It's sad, that if you are an aspiring actor of Indian descent, your options are to be a terrorist on "24", a screw up intern on "Scrubs" turned screw up local gov't worker on "Parks and Recreation" or even a doctor with a British accent on "ER".

All times are "24" time
4:00 AM:  CTU hit by an EMP.  They are probably the worst run Counter Terrorist organization ever.  Bubba Gump is playing the CTU Director ... figures
4:01 AM:  First Dana Walsh sighting.  So frickin' annoying.  She reminds me of a pouty Ann Coulter.
4:03 AM:  Hero Jack Bauer is driving Freddie Prinze Jr. around NYC and calling in favors
4:04 AM:  Terrorist meeting in an abandoned warehouse area.  Weird, I don't see any hookah pipes or kabobs
4:06 AM:  Daughter of Islamic Republic President still believes her boyfriend Tarun is good, but based on the last two episodes, the only thing he maybe good at (to her) is in bed.  he also has like a 14 pack of abs.  I didn't notice, but I do believe Anita noticed.
4:08 AM:  Shocked that one of the terrorists is named "Ali"
4:08 AM:  Jack and FP Jr. have night vision and are about to get blown up
4:10 AM:  Jack and FP Jr. getting shot at from all angles, yet are evading in their SUV.  SUV not starting now.  Jack FP Jr. and young kid CTU agent are fighting back.
4:11 AM:  Tarun recognizes that they are up against Jack Bauer, one of CTU's best agents.  Really Tarun????? "One of the best agents"????
4:12 AM:  Tarun and lead terrorist are escaping on motor boat.
4:12 AM:  Commercial break; Hot Tub Time Machine yeah!
4:16 AM:  Arlo, the CTU nerdy horndawg analyst briefs Bubba.  I think Bubba is wondering what kind of shrimp he should sell when he gets fired from CTU
4:17 AM:  NSA is here to help and it appears a pissing contest about "who's in charge" is about to begin
4:18 AM:  Chloe, super computer CTU analyst has her first social disorder outburst
4:20 AM:  Nerd talk in the server room.  "System buffers, subnet blah blah blah"
4:22 AM:  Oh boy, Renee Walker, crazy woman is back on.  Anita and I call her "Howdy Doody"
4:28 AM:  Jimmy James from "News Radio" and "Milton" from "OfficeSpace" playing a Probation Officer who is on the trail of the annoying Dana Walsh, who is not who she says she is.  I think he is also looking for his missing stapler
4:30 AM:  Oh jeez, Chloe just pulled a gun on the NSA agent.  Nerds gone wild.  In her defense, she did propose a solution to the problem first.
4:31 AM:  Jack trying to get to an emergency phone with the help of FP Jr. and 2 other agents
4:35 AM:  C'mon guys?  Don't you know, you listen to Jack when he tells you to do something?
4:39 AM:  First appearance by President Hassan and his wife Morticia
4:52 AM:  Situation is dire at the abandoned warehouse site.  Jack is down to him and FP Jr. with Howdy Doody on the way.
4:53 AM:  Jack is shot and one the ground and down and about to get shot in the head.  Lucky for him, Howdy Doody shoots the terrorist.  Jack had a vest on luckily too.  God loves Jack Bauer
4:56 AM:  Ann Coulter, I mean Dana Walsh walking around all pouty goes to confront Milton.  Maybe she should offer him some cake to get him to go away
4:57 AM:  Um, Ann Coulter, I mean Dana Walsh is strangling Milton for him.  No cake for Milton yet again.  Further evidence that women be CRAZY
4:58 AM:  It appears that Ann Coulter Dana Walsh is working for the terrorists.  I think it's a record 8th straight year that a CTU has employed  a double agent.

Contest!

The Keepin' it Real in the Suburbs Blog Executive Team would like to acknowledge all the loyal followers and visitors of the Blog.  In the 7 weeks that the Blog has been in existence, we have had 946 million page loads.  We are announcing a contest that will reward the individual that initiates our 1 billionth page load with ....


UNIVERSAL HEALTHCARE!!!!! or Term Limits for U.S. Congress members, whichever comes first!!!!!


However, the sponsors of the Blog, will only spring for such a huge prize if we have at least 40 followers.  Either way, it's time to celebrate!

Expectations and Fishing

Don't forget to please email with comments or suggestions or even questions at realkept@gmail.com.

In my press release, I announced that we are expecting an addition to our family. We are excited, scared, tired, and scared. As you may be able to tell, we struggle with one, so adding another kid to the equation will be a fun challenge. So challenging, that I think I could pitch it as a reality show. If the title weren't already taken, I think I would call the show "Reality Bites".  I can't even imagine the piles of unfolded clothes that will pile up in our laundry room when we have a second kid to keep track of.  There will be a lot more fishing for panties.  Let me explain.  The weekend before last, Anita and I finally got around to folding the 14 million loads of laundry piled up in the laundry room.  In order to do so, we needed to transport the clothes into the family room.  During that process, you do suffer some losses in clothes that fall behind the dryer or washing machine.  Therefore, because there were important "undergarments" back there, I had to sit on the dryer and literally fish for panties using such tools as a swiffer, a hanger and a vacuum hose.  They could have a show on Espn 2 called "Pantymasters" starring me!

The truth is that I love being married and love being a parent. I love my 40 minute each way car rides every weekday morning with Ivana. I love the philisophical debates that I have with her about whether a bus is a bus or if a bus is a truck. She says they are "Chux". She did defeat me in a debate about whether the UPS vehicle was a truck or a van. I argued van, but I looked at the license plate and saw that it was indeed a "chuck". She still owns the "airwaves" in the car and dictates what we listen to. During Super Bowl week, I was trying to listen to the local morning sports talk show "the Sports Junkies". They were going to have Joe Montana as a guest and I didn't want to miss it. However, Ivana was in DJ mode asking for "again" or "song" to the point that she started yelling "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!". I was at a crossroads: I could let her have her way and hopefully end the yelling or I could try to outwit her with my slightly superior intellect. So I started yelling "aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh!". It became a yelling challenge. She was defeated and I got to listen to the Joe Montana interview.

Sometimes I find myself driving and looking in the rear mirror at her.  I smile so hard that my face hurts until I realize that if my face hurting, I could possibly be hurting the small Asian family living on my face.

If you recall, the Chins moved onto my face at least 7 or 8 years ago and have been there ever since.  I
started the eviction process but they threw a wrench into my plans by hiring an attorney.  I guess I could be a little more understanding of their plight.  They work hard at their dry cleaner and their eldest son, Jae Leno Chin, just got accepted to MIT.  I will likely also need their connections to help me manufacture my latest invention:  The Panty Fishing Rod.

Audibles

I want to get some housekeeping out of the way.  The blog now has an email address for people to send comments or suggestions or even questions.  One of the new weekly blog topics will be a "mailbag" where I will answer questions from my loyal readers.  The email address is:  realkept@gmail.com.  I even created a Twitter account, but I will get to that in due time as I am still trying to get with the times.  I started writing this blog by carving on cave walls.  I am going to start posting more often, so please check the blog for new posts.

I am sure you were riveted by the tale weaved in the 2 part post: "Tragedy at the Ritz". What you might not know is that the story didn't end at the Ritz. By the end of that fateful evening, I had acquired the phone number of the hottest dog collar wearing dentist that I had ever met. I was positively giddy the next day. "Positively giddy" is the word I use for wickedly hungover. I am a glass half full guy. In dating, I guess there is a playbook that states that you wait at least a few days before making the first phone call after phone number acquisition.  I like to call audibles like Peyton Manning, so I called her the very next day she answered but was speaking to me in a hushed tone.  She was in a movie at the time.  She called me back after a few hours informing me that she had been watching "Eyes Wide Shut".  I remember thinking to myself, "jeez, what a perv".  We spoke for a while and eventually set up a first date.

I was working on pricing a proposal at the time and it involved a lot of late nights, so one of those nights, I decided to take a break and go out on our first date.  I believe it was the Tuesday after the wedding.  She had spent the day getting her hair done and getting dolled up.  Unfortunately, for her, I chose to be casual and wore one of my signature outfits from Structure (my whole closet should have been sponsored by Structure):  Jeans and a short sleeve v-neck shirt with a white shirt underneath.  I know, really?  WTF?  We met at the Union Street Pub in Old Town Alexandria.  She had informed me that her cousin was there with her and was having a drink. He was essentially her "bodyguard" and would judge whether I was worthy.  I arrived at the bar area and saw her and her bodyguard/cousin.  Um, if I had to pick an actor that shared his physique, I would have to go with Jude Law.  However, Anita looked unbelievable and in what still remains a common theme with us, I felt like a D-bag for my attire.  Bodyguard/cousin approved and we were permitted to commence our date.  We were shown to our table and I lucked out when we were shown to a curved booth table.  Pretty romantic setting.  Dinner and conversation went well except for the fact that I had decided to leave all my baggage on the table for her including going over my previous relationship.  She must have thought I was a little cuckoo, but I pressed on.  There was a method to my madness.  I had already determined that she was "the chosen one" and I wanted her to know what she was getting into (my pants of course ... ha!).  We finished dinner and decided to walk to the water and ended up sitting on a bench and chatting for at least another hour.  It had been a great night.  I walked to her car and we said our goodbyes.  I believed that we both wanted to progress to a second date.  Boy, was I in for a surprise!

The surprise in the next post ....