Royally Screwed

What better time to kickstart the least updated blog about the suburbs in the Blogosphere?  The "Royal" [farce] wedding, right?  I have a strong opinion about the concept of royalty, as in I think it's bullshit, but I am putting that aside to blog about this event.  Anita has the opposite opinion about royalty, so I have decided to support her as she has always supported my love of silly things like sports teams that can't seem to win championships.  So I will suffer through this like she has suffered with me through the years of Dan Snyder's ownership of the Redskins.

Jeez, I need to take a puff of my inhaler

Anita has been up all night watching coverage so it looks like I am going to have kid duty tonight.  She has been a little too enthusiastically enthused about David Beckham's attendance at the wedding.  She was impressed with all his smiling and unimpressed with Victoria Beckham's lack of smiles.  What does she expect???  I don't think her face can move after all that surgery.

I have better teeth than this guy

So ...  do you think British people consider what they should do with their awful teeth for posh events such as a royal wedding?  God bless British teeth, because they definitely make me feel better about my grill.

I just heard the first mention of "commoners".  Ha!

It's 5:42 AM on the U.S. East Coast and the Queen is arriving at Westminster Abbey.  She might be wearing a Big Bird Costume.

Oh wow, Camilla Parker Bowles and Prince Charles have just arrived and OMG, she is wearing Jimmy Choos.

First glimpse of Kate's dress!!!  I did admit to Anita this week that I would shag Kate Middleton.  She didn't seem to realize what I said, because I wouldn't be typing right now if she did.

Oh boy, Pippa Middleton.  Good morning.

I'm amazed that it isn't raining in London today.  Ok, here we go, Kate and her dad are arriving at the Abbey.  Anita doesn't think she's going to be impressed with her wedding dress.  Time will tell ...

6:00 AM:  Catherine Middleton arrives at the Abbey.  She's wearing white ... I'm surprised.

Anita has officially poo-pooed the dress.  She thinks she could have done better.  The camera just panned to Kate's mom, Carol.  What a social climber she is!

I'm disappointed in both Prince's posture.  Stand up straight young lads!

I wonder what all these dumb commentators are going to do after this wedding?  The commentary has been awful.  I think I would rather hear nails scratching chalkboards.

I'm also disappointed that William hasn't grown an NHL Playoff Beard.

Carol Middleton wore her hat at the same
hat angle as this young chap

Wow, all this buildup and it took like 10 minutes for them to be married.  Now we have to listen to a bunch of British tossers sing inaudibly.  The hats are pretty impressive.  Some of the women are wearing them gangster style.

Kate's brother James, just did a reading.  He enjoys baking cakes, apparently.

Williams seems to be tired.  So does Anita, I had to wake her up because the choir put her to sleep.

Here comes the sermon.  Kate better kick William so he doesn't fall asleep.  Don't worry, William, the Rev. is quoting pithy phrases from Chaucer, that should perk you up.

Ha!  The people didn't know whether to stand up or keep sitting, so we just saw a bunch of crusty old british folks in a half sitting/half standing position.  Their joints are going to huuuuurt tonight.  I wonder how many people have left the Abbey during the ceremony to have a smoke?

Apparently the NBC news organization employs a lip reader.  I'm surprised that they don't employ a mind reader.  If they could read my mind right now, they wouldn't be able to air it.

One thing I can tell you is that we loved London when we went there about 6 years ago.  So much history.

William's wave is a little "fancy" for my liking.  Jeez, when the Queen and Camilla Parker Bowles stand together, I can see icicles forming on their eyebrows.

All right, I can blog no longer on this subject.

Super Bowl XLV Blog Part 2

9:01 PM:  Rashard "Butt Man" Mendenhall with a good run 
9:05 PM:  Rashard "I Humped My QB" Mendenhall scores a TD.  What school did he go to?  Oh yeah, Illinois.
9:07 PM:  How appropriate ... a MiniCooper "Cram it in the boot"commercial right after Rashard "Cram it in the boot" Mendenhall scores a TD
9:08 PM  Mad props Sal Giunta, Medal of Honor recipient
9:10 PM:  C'mon White Chocolate. I know you were afraid of getting decapitated, but c'mon Jordy
9:11 PM:  uh oh, Steelers defense is heating up
9:13 PM:  Adrien Brody crooning to a glass of Stella
9:16 PM:  Anita makes her first comment regarding if I played football and how I would need butt implants
9:17 PM:  Tackle by Desmond Bishop "Tutu"
9:18 PM:  Suisham, 52 yd attempt ha!  Has Tomlin ever watched film of his kicker????  I'm sure he was busy in his other job playing a doctor on "House"
9:20 PM:  Dang Eminem, two commercial for 2 different products.  Although the Chrysler commercial was awesome!
9:23 PM:  This is the ugliest matchup of QB's since Peyton Manning vs. Rex Grossman

9:24 PM:  Fair catch by Antwan Randle-El.  The Skins paid about $100K/each for about 300 of those in 5 years
9:35 PM:  "Cram it in the Boot" fumbles on the first play of the 4th quarter on a hit by Clay Matthews
9:38 PM:  Looks like the Packers have given up on the run
9:39 PM:  Another drop by Jordy Nelson.  Great follow up on 3rd and 10 with a catch and run!!!!  That's why he's White Chocolate
9:41 PM:  Touchdown Greg Jennings!  Aaron Rodgers is the man!  Let's just call him the ARod that can come through in the clutch.  The other ARod was getting fed popcorn by Cameron Diaz in a luxury box.
9:47 PM:  Big Ben marches the team down the field for a TD.  Mike Wallace is fast.
9:50 PM:  I'm finally live.  3rd and 10 Green Bay 5:59 Left.  Clutch throw and catch ARod to Greg Jennings!  Woot!
9:52 PM:  Finally a running play for the Pack.  14 yards and another first down
9:53 PM:  James Jones holds on for his 2nd big catch
9:56 PM:  If Big Ben engineer a TD drive with 2 minutes left down 6 points with one timeout, he will become legendary.
9:57 PM:  I hope Big Ben just stays a legendary creep
10:01 PM:  Kim K. makes me take a puff of my inhaler in Shape Ups commercial, right after Bradley Cooper made me take a puff of my inhaler in "Limitless" trailer
10:05 PM:  Green Bay takes over on downs with 49 seconds left.
10:05 PM:  ARod should be the Super Bowl XLV MVP!!!!!   Great game Packers and Steelers!

Super Bowl XLV Blog Part 1

One of the most popular blogposts ever was last year's Super Bowl 44 Live Blog.  So I thought I would try it again this year.  It's going to be a little backwards as I was managing both girls by myself for the first half.  I actually got to watch the first quarter and part of the second quarter before Ivana decided to request Scooby Doo.  I am definitely rooting for the Packers.  Maybe it goes back to a fake news article that I wrote at work about 10 years ago that said that the Green Bay Packers were purchased and moved to Hershey, PA.  I'll leave it up to you to guess what the new name would be ....

Anyway, I'm starting with the second half this year.  Times will be off because I'm using the DVR.

7:45 PM:  Enjoying traditional Super Bowl fare of Thai food.
8:30 PM:  Ivana is asleep, I am heading downstairs
8:42 PM:  Watching an awful Fergie rendition of "Sweet Child O Mine" ... Axl Rose must be turning in his grave .... oh yeah, he's still alive.
8:43 PM:  Thankfully, it's over, but it's still the Black Eyed Peas performing live.  I think they are more of a studio act.
8:46 PM:  Wait a minute ... Usher might save this POS Super Bowl Halftime Show
8:47 PM:  Super Bowl Half Time Show on life support and Usher does the splits to try to resuscitate it.  8:49 PM:  Red people in heart shapes dancing in unison.  Must be the BEP's commie message.

8:49 PM:  BEP are trying to ruin another classic "Time of My Life", Jennifer Grey's old nose is rolling in it's grave.
8:50 PM:  I'm trying to contain the throw up and is coming up from this show.
8:52 PM:  The score is 21-10 Packers at the half
8:52 PM:  Troy Aikman is getting a divorce and the rumors about him being gay persist.
8:53 PM:  Anita sees a shot of Brett Keisel and asks if it's Ben Rothleisberger
8:54 PM:  Really????  Charles Woodson is out for the 2nd half????  Big loss!!!!
8:56 PM:  Emmanuel Lewis [Sanders] is out for the Steelers.  Pretty good tradeoff.
8:57 PM:  Jordy Nelson is white chocolate dawg
8:58 PM:  James "Drop it like it's hot" Jones
8:58 PM:  Tim "Num" Masthay with the punt for the Packers
8:59 PM:  Refs trying to hook it up for the Steelers again with a phantom facemask call

Ok, I'm going to post and continue with Part 2

Golden Globes Blog Part 1

It's the beginning of the awards season and I thought I would try to do a live blog.  Ricky Gervais will be hosting, which will likely be pretty funny and uncomfortable for those Hollywood blowhards.

7:58 PM:  Some British chick named Alexa judging celebrities fashion on the red carpet while wearing a red housecoat (may be in fashion, but looks like a housecoat to me)
8:00 PM:  Ricky Gervais in da house and takes a sip of beer.  Love it, he starts off by skewering Charlie Sheen.  Ok, he definitely took it easy on him
8:03 PM:  First time he gets bleeped out AND a Tom Cruise is gay joke!!!!!!
8:05 PM:  I am going to have to rewind.  Ricky Gervais' accent is thicker than I thought it was
8:06 PM:  Anita thinks Scarlett Johansson looks like the Bride of Frankenstein in her dress
8:07 PM:  Jesus, I mean Christian Bale wins Best Supporting Actor
8:07 PM:  Anita loves Christian Bale even more now that she hears his accent
8:09 PM:  Orchestra might be scared to start playing during Christian Bale's acceptance speech.  He may attack all of them.
8:10 PM:  He just got bleeped out after he said something about Robert Deniro.  Would love to know what he said.
8:10 PM:  Ladies Love Cool James, including my wife
8:11 PM:  Al Bundy is happy for Peggy's Best Supporting Actress in a TV series win
8:13 PM:  The orchestra guys are a bunch of douches
8:16 PM:  Jeez, what are you wearing Julianne Moore???
8:21 PM:  Worst acceptance speech ever.  You're in America man, learn English!
8:24 PM:  Gay kid from Glee won!!!!  Great acceptance speech.  Take that high school bullies like Paul Singh!
8:28 PM:  Holy ish!  Gwen Stefani is soooo white.  I just imagined my printer paper with some lipstick on it and looked at it longingly.
8:30 PM:  I guess they want to end Parks and Recreation which is why they added Rob "Show Killer" Lowe

8:32 PM:  I didn't know John Lithgow was the president of the Hollywood Foreign Press
8:39 PM:  Listen, Marky Mark should use all his fame and fortune to destroy all copies of his "rap music".  And yes, that includes "Good Vibrations"

I was really going to try to do this for the whole show, but I have become OBR (Overcome By Responsibilities).  I will try again for the next award show.

Milestones

I recently achieved a few major milestones in my life.  I performed "Hakuna Matata" and "I Just Can't Wait To Be King" for the 1000th time each for my daughter Ivana.  She insists that I sing with her by saying "Daddy, sing me".  Of course, I oblige and sing every part including Pumbaa, Timon, young Simba and adult Simba as well as Zazu, who was played my the same guy that played "Mr. Bean".    It is quite the tour de force.   It is a little enjoyable for me as well as I get to use my hack British accent while performing. I think sometimes, as parents we try to appease our children's requests in a half-hearted manner.  Ivana, however, demands enthusiasm at all times.  She will make me restart if I "mail it in".

These performances made me think about some of these kids movies.  When "The Lion King" first came out, I was not a big fan because I thought that Matthew Broderick's adult Simba voice was way too wimpy to be the king of jungle.  I mean, his dad was Mufasa, played my James Earl Jones.  How did Mufasa have a kid with the wimpiest voice ever????  I mean it's different if you're playing Ferris Bueller, a high school kid, but c'mon Broderick!  Then I think about Mufasa's brother, Scar, who was played by Jeremy Irons.  What were Mufasa and Scar's parents thinking when they named one son "Mufasa" and the other "Scar"??  Did they think that the kid named after the mark that remains after a wound, wouldn't be resentful and hate his brother?  I don't blame Scar for being such a douche.

Anyway, Ivana recently started watching "The Little Mermaid".  I know it can't be just Ivana, but kids love to watch the same movie over and over and over.  Upon one of the screenings of the Little Mermaid, I noticed that Ariel was just 16 years old [um, she was pretty "well developed" for 16].  That means the Prince, who looked like he was 35 was seriously robbing the cradle.  Did the writers not think of this?  Also, Ursula, the Sea Witch looks like Paula Deen.  She should have just fried some shrimp  and traded that deliciousness for Ariel's voice.

I am going to stop now as I have a deadline.  Happy New Year everyone and keep it real in 2011.

Celebrity NFL PIcks

Today I am introducing something that I intended to start 7 weeks ago:  Celebrity NFL picks.  We had a very successful two week run a while back in my Fantasy Football League and today, I invited one of the celebrity prognosticators back:  Tina Yothers from "Family Ties".  I need to caution you.  From time to time, she thinks that she really is Jennifer Keaton, the 3rd kid in the Keaton Family.  So bear with her.

Without further adieu, I present Tina Yothers:

I have to do this quickly because I have homework and mom will kill me if I don't get it done.

San Francisco is favored by 2.5 over Denver and they are playing in London.   I hear that a lot of gays in San Francisco.  Topical because I just found my mom is a gay [note:  Meredith Baxter, the actress that played Elyse Keaton just admitted that she became a lesbian in 2002].  Due to the transitive property that I learned in my math class, I love gays.  I'll take San Fran.

Dallas at home favored by 6.5 over Jacksonville.  The Jaguars remind me of a lot of my dad's friends from the 1960's, oh oops, those were the Panthers.  Dallas reminds me of the band "Dexy's Midnight Runners", underachievers.  
I'll take Jacksonville.

Detroit at home favored by 2.5 over Washington.  Dan Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, reminds me of Skippy Handelman, such a G*d d&mn nerd!!!!  I'll take Washington, nerds aren't so bad.

The New York Jets at home favored by 6 over Green Bay.  OMG!!!!  Mark Sanchez is sooooo cuuuute!!!!!  Yeah, I have a feeling that Aaron Rodgers is going to get beat up like that bully Adam that I beat up in episode 70:  "Designated Hitter".  I will take Green Bay though. Can somebody let Mark Sanchez know that I need a prom date????

St. Louis at home favored by 2 over Carolina.  The Panthers remind me of my dad's friends from the 60's.  I'll take St. Louis.

Cincinnati at home favored by 1 over Miami.  I mean, we lived in Columbus and when we were trying to find Colonel Crackle and win $5K, we thought he might have been in Cincinnati.   Therefore, I have to take  Cincy.

Kansas City at home favored by 7 over Buffalo.  I think Kansas City Tight End, Tony Moeaki, is mentioned quite a bit in Michael Jackson's song:  "Smooth Criminal" .... "Tony Moeaki, Moeaki, Moeaki Tony"  I love that song.  I'm taking Kansas City.

San Diego at home favored by 4 over Tennessee.  Norv Turner's coaching ability reminds me of my brother Alex nowadays .... really shaky [OMG, that was cold].  This is sooooo crazy but "Tennessee" was a song by the band Arrested Development.  "Arrested Development" was a show starring Mallory's real life brother, Jason Bateman!  OMG, what a small world!  I have to take Tennessee.

Arizona at home favored by 3 over Tampa Bay.  Arizona has a running back named Beanie Wells.  I love Beanie Babies, so I am taking Arizona.

Oakland at home favored by 2.5 over Seattle.  I heard that Oakland qb, Jason Campbell's ex teammates used to call him Lionel Richie.  "Helllooooo"???? I have to take Oakland.  Join me for a second
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Hey Jambo Jumbo
Way to parti o we goin' 
Oh, jambali
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Yeah, Jambo, jumbo

New England at home favored by 5.5 over Minnesota.  Brett Favre texted a pic of his junk to some chick.  Why come nobody texts me pics of their junk?  Now, I'm not insinuating anything, but Favre likes to give balls away to "the other team" with alarmingly frequency.  I will take New England, although I wish Tom Brady's wife made him wear the hairstyle of the Flock of Seagulls.

New Orleans at home favored by 1 over Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh's quarterback Ben Rothlesberger reminds me of Dad's friend Arthur who made a pass at my sister Mallory.  But he also reminds me of my brother Alex playing Monopoly ... he always wins.  I'll take Pittsburgh.

Indianapolis at home favored by 5.5 over Houston.  Peyton Manning reminds me of Mallory's boyfriend, Nick.  Except the only thing that Peyton Manning hasn't tried to sell is light bulbs over the phone like Nick.  I will take Houston.

Ok, see you later, I need to go finish my homework.

Thank you Jennifer, for your picks and I hope you tune in next week for the next Celebrity NFL Picks

Sleep is Underrated

Today is my brother Jay's birthday.  In honor of his birthday as well as the 3 month mark of our second daughter Isla's birth, I make my triumphant return to the blogosphere.  I wanted to take a moment to pay homage to my brother Jay.  I have to say that he is and has been a great role model to follow in the art of fatherhood.  Ok, enough of the mushy stuff.

People around the world have been wondering WTF happened to the KIRITS Blog for the last 3 months.  Well, I can tell you WTF happened.  Like Julius said in "Pulp Fiction", I have been wandering the earth like Caine from "Kung Fu".  However, I have been searching for sleep.  Not just sleep, but UNINTERRUPTED sleep.  Now I know why zombies are such pissed off jerks ... PEOPLE KEEP INTERRUPTING THEIR SLEEP!!!!  [fyi, the zombies in the "Thriller" video were pissed off because MJ woke them all up because he kept clearing his throat]

I have always said sleep is overrated, because you can function with little sleep.  But that sleep can't be broken into compartments.  It needs to be a steady 2-4 hours.  Now, I'm not upset about a lack of uninterrupted sleep.  It goes with the territory.  However, I have become a lot more crabby lately which is not normal for me unless it was a Monday after a Redskins game for the last 20 years.  I seem to be cussing a lot more now too.  In fact, I was sitting on my couch with Ivana and she was eating some dry cereal in a bowl and she knocked the bowl over and I said in a kind voice, "Ivana".  She interrupted me with two words that would really upset a nun:  God D@mmit!   Oh boy, although funny at the time to hear, it probably wouldn't go down in the "proud moments" list.

With two kids now, we have to find that balance in that we can't let them sleep near each other for fear of one waking the other.  It's a delicate balance where if you screw it up, you end up flipping the channels in the family room with Ivana searching for episodes of "Kipper the Dog" and then stumbling across infomercials for the "Shake Weight".  Oh, I have some funny stories about the "Shake Weight" to tell, but you will have to tune in to the blog.  In fact, I have a lot of catching up to do and I hope you will stick with me.   I promise to do my best to keep you entertained.

(Updated 10/31/10 at 12:09 PM)  I wanted to give a quick "sleep" related story.  Last weekend, Anita and I were watching the updated version of "Robin Hood", the one with the Australian guy doing and English accent as opposed to the Kevin Costner version of an American attempting an English accent for one scene and then giving up.  We fell asleep on the couch about an hour or so into it.  When we woke up, I got up but couldn't feel my right leg, so I stumbled down and almost into the tv because my whole leg had fallen asleep. These are the dangers of sleeplessness.