Oscars 2013: The Blog, Part I

I really love to see the build up and anticipation for huge entertainment events like the awards shows, sporting events and the biggest of entertainment events:  The Keepin' It Real In The Suburbs Oscars 2013 Blog!

Anne Hathaway's Oscar Dress as seen in
Austin Powers

I skipped most of the Red Carpet show because as most people know, I'm fashion averse.  I did happen to tune in when Anne Hathaway was being interviewed.  Apparently it was rather cold in her chest area.  Really cold ...

8:27 PM:  Commercial for "Splash", a celebrity diving show?  really?  and we wonder why this country is going into the tank?

8:30 PM:  Seth McFarlane made Tommy Lee Jones laugh.
8:32 PM:  Ben Affleck must have seen me rocking my beard at the local Target.  He's totally copying me.

8:35 PM:  I'm amazed that these Hollywood windbags get so uptight.

I heard he's next playing Jared in
the Subway Diet Movie

8:40 PM:  Channing Tatum and Charlize Theron!  Wheeeze!  If they had a baby ...   btw, Channing Tatum looks like he is wearing Walmart's house brand today
8:41 PM:  Seth McFarlane is not working out so well
8:45 PM:  He redeemed himself a bit in the making out with Sally Field bit
8:47 PM:  Finally, the first award!  Best Supporting Actor
8:48 PM:  I haven't seen any of the nominated movies
8:48 PM:  Alan Arkin was great in "Little Miss Sunshine"
8:49 PM:  Phillip Seymour Hoffman should challenge himself in his next role and play a skinny guy
8:50 PM:  Christoph Waltz, 2 for 2 and both in Tarantino films.  Wow, he beat some legends
8:55 PM:  Somebody on Facebook made a joke Melissa McCarthy and Adele being the same person after the Golden Globes.  If I were not on the quiet car on the train, I totally would have LOL'd
8:56 PM:  John Travolta sighting!  An alert has been put out to all Masseurs in the local area.
9:01 PM:  Jessica Chastain shot, for some reason I'm craving Ginger Ale ...
9:05 PM:  George Clooney has confirmed that my beard look is catching on.  This is exciting for me.

Not sure which one won?

9:07 PM:  One of the Nelson brothers grew up and became a cinematographer and won a freaking Oscar!
9:12 PM:  Wow, I can't believe the band played Jaws music to drown out the Visual Effects winners.  Dat's cold dawg.  Nicole Kidman agreed
9:15 PM:  Can't get enough of the Dikembe Mutombo GEICO commercial. Speaking of Dikembe, a friend of mine once told me that Dikembe used to go to parties at Georgetown and say "Who is going to sex Mutombo tonight?"
9:17 PM:  Jennifer Aniston just reminded me!  I forgot the dang Saran Wrap at Costco today!  It was the last day of the sale too.
9:18 PM:  First muting of the sound to listen for crying kid.  Not worried it's the Costume Design award
9:19 PM:  Seriously, i'm wondering if Jennifer Aniston is having trouble moving her mouth.

Could also be a Nasonex ad

9:24 PM:  Music of Bond tribute, so was Timothy Dalton better as Bond or the guy in Beautician and the Beast?
9:27 PM:  That Bond singing thing started out super weird and then got a standing ovation.  Was it because the lady was old?  Standing ovations used to mean something.

So crusty 

9:30 PM:  Ameriprise chose Tommy Lee Jones because they thought that people would just think the old guy would yell at them  if they don't choose Ameriprise



9:33 PM:  I'm going to cut Part I off now, as we have reached a super boring awards segment.  I have been making Live Action Short Films my whole life and have never been given recognition.  Someday ....

The Oscar Blog, Part 1 (warning, political incorrectness may occur and spoiler alert if you are taping the show to watch later)

Before I begin, I wanted to let people know that the story of how I met Anita was not done and I will have another post to explain.

I am going to begin with the Red Carpet Show as there is so much value in watching really rich people wear ridiculously expensive clothing and borrowed jewels. This is on a delay as the daughter needed to get her dose of Curious George before bedtime.

I will post entries about every 45 minutes or so depending on how the show is going ...

8:00 PM: Glass of Cabernet in hand awaiting the beginning of the Red Carpet Show
8:00:17 PM: Realize that even joking about drinking wine while watching the Red Carpet Show is a little bit O.B.E. ... just a little bit
8:01 PM: Sherri Shephard introduces the Red Carpet Show. She voiced Alex the Lion's mom in Madagascar 2 ... she looks much better as a cartoon voice
8:02 PM: Kathy Ireland looks pretty hot and like she enjoyed some pre-game "booger sugar"
8:04 PM: Note to Penelope Cruz, um, you still don't speak good English
8:05 PM: It's a Gyllenhaal party. In case you didn't know, Jake Gyllenhaal played a gay in "Bubbleboy"
8:07 PM: George Clooney recently bought an island for his lady. His lady looks a little high. She don't speak no English either
8:08 PM: Sandra Bulloch is wearing Marquesa. If you are hosting a douchy Oscar Party, make sure you score on for the fine folks at Marquesa. Sandra's face looks like it is having a tough time moving.
8:09 PM: I think I just peed my pants. Zac Effron being interviewed by Kathy Ireland. I think my sister's boyfriend styled his hair today
8:10 PM: Camera pans the crowd right before a commercial break. The chick from "Precious" is shown reminding me of a conversation I had with my friend last night. We were sitting at a bar and a larger black woman came by ordering some drinks. Somehow, my friend mentioned that his wife asked him earlier that day whether he would be interested in watching "Precious". It's funny how certain things lead you to great conversation pieces.

8:14 PM: Morgan Freeman seems a little, um, drunk
8:17 PM: JLo appears to be wearing a sail from the America's Cup winning boat
8:17 PM: Oh jeez, JLo just turned around showed her butt. I need to check my tv screen to see if it's cracked
8:19 PM: Matthew Broderick appears to have brought a showhorse as his guest to the Oscar's. Gutsy choice by Matt. PETA members will be pleased. The showhorse is wearing Chanel by the way.
8:20 PM: Matthew Broderick dismissed by one of the hosts. They seemed more interested in talking to the talking showhorse
8:23 PM: Tina Fey has some weird creases on her face
8:24 PM: Miley Cyrus makes me feel better about my teeth
8:25 PM: Jeff Bridges is so cool. I think he likes pot.
8:27 PM: Kate Winslet should have gotten her teeth whitened. In her defense, she is British
8:28 PM: Ok, I already feel guilty about this one, but Gabourey Sidibe from "Precious" is on and I can't help but thinking that the Redskins really need a new starting left tackle
8:30 PM: Meryl Streep always reminded me of a banana for some reason