Celebrity NFL PIcks

Today I am introducing something that I intended to start 7 weeks ago:  Celebrity NFL picks.  We had a very successful two week run a while back in my Fantasy Football League and today, I invited one of the celebrity prognosticators back:  Tina Yothers from "Family Ties".  I need to caution you.  From time to time, she thinks that she really is Jennifer Keaton, the 3rd kid in the Keaton Family.  So bear with her.

Without further adieu, I present Tina Yothers:

I have to do this quickly because I have homework and mom will kill me if I don't get it done.

San Francisco is favored by 2.5 over Denver and they are playing in London.   I hear that a lot of gays in San Francisco.  Topical because I just found my mom is a gay [note:  Meredith Baxter, the actress that played Elyse Keaton just admitted that she became a lesbian in 2002].  Due to the transitive property that I learned in my math class, I love gays.  I'll take San Fran.

Dallas at home favored by 6.5 over Jacksonville.  The Jaguars remind me of a lot of my dad's friends from the 1960's, oh oops, those were the Panthers.  Dallas reminds me of the band "Dexy's Midnight Runners", underachievers.  
I'll take Jacksonville.

Detroit at home favored by 2.5 over Washington.  Dan Snyder, the owner of the Redskins, reminds me of Skippy Handelman, such a G*d d&mn nerd!!!!  I'll take Washington, nerds aren't so bad.

The New York Jets at home favored by 6 over Green Bay.  OMG!!!!  Mark Sanchez is sooooo cuuuute!!!!!  Yeah, I have a feeling that Aaron Rodgers is going to get beat up like that bully Adam that I beat up in episode 70:  "Designated Hitter".  I will take Green Bay though. Can somebody let Mark Sanchez know that I need a prom date????

St. Louis at home favored by 2 over Carolina.  The Panthers remind me of my dad's friends from the 60's.  I'll take St. Louis.

Cincinnati at home favored by 1 over Miami.  I mean, we lived in Columbus and when we were trying to find Colonel Crackle and win $5K, we thought he might have been in Cincinnati.   Therefore, I have to take  Cincy.

Kansas City at home favored by 7 over Buffalo.  I think Kansas City Tight End, Tony Moeaki, is mentioned quite a bit in Michael Jackson's song:  "Smooth Criminal" .... "Tony Moeaki, Moeaki, Moeaki Tony"  I love that song.  I'm taking Kansas City.

San Diego at home favored by 4 over Tennessee.  Norv Turner's coaching ability reminds me of my brother Alex nowadays .... really shaky [OMG, that was cold].  This is sooooo crazy but "Tennessee" was a song by the band Arrested Development.  "Arrested Development" was a show starring Mallory's real life brother, Jason Bateman!  OMG, what a small world!  I have to take Tennessee.

Arizona at home favored by 3 over Tampa Bay.  Arizona has a running back named Beanie Wells.  I love Beanie Babies, so I am taking Arizona.

Oakland at home favored by 2.5 over Seattle.  I heard that Oakland qb, Jason Campbell's ex teammates used to call him Lionel Richie.  "Helllooooo"???? I have to take Oakland.  Join me for a second
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Hey Jambo Jumbo
Way to parti o we goin' 
Oh, jambali
Tam bo li de say de moi ya
Yeah, Jambo, jumbo

New England at home favored by 5.5 over Minnesota.  Brett Favre texted a pic of his junk to some chick.  Why come nobody texts me pics of their junk?  Now, I'm not insinuating anything, but Favre likes to give balls away to "the other team" with alarmingly frequency.  I will take New England, although I wish Tom Brady's wife made him wear the hairstyle of the Flock of Seagulls.

New Orleans at home favored by 1 over Pittsburgh.  Pittsburgh's quarterback Ben Rothlesberger reminds me of Dad's friend Arthur who made a pass at my sister Mallory.  But he also reminds me of my brother Alex playing Monopoly ... he always wins.  I'll take Pittsburgh.

Indianapolis at home favored by 5.5 over Houston.  Peyton Manning reminds me of Mallory's boyfriend, Nick.  Except the only thing that Peyton Manning hasn't tried to sell is light bulbs over the phone like Nick.  I will take Houston.

Ok, see you later, I need to go finish my homework.

Thank you Jennifer, for your picks and I hope you tune in next week for the next Celebrity NFL Picks

Sleep is Underrated

Today is my brother Jay's birthday.  In honor of his birthday as well as the 3 month mark of our second daughter Isla's birth, I make my triumphant return to the blogosphere.  I wanted to take a moment to pay homage to my brother Jay.  I have to say that he is and has been a great role model to follow in the art of fatherhood.  Ok, enough of the mushy stuff.

People around the world have been wondering WTF happened to the KIRITS Blog for the last 3 months.  Well, I can tell you WTF happened.  Like Julius said in "Pulp Fiction", I have been wandering the earth like Caine from "Kung Fu".  However, I have been searching for sleep.  Not just sleep, but UNINTERRUPTED sleep.  Now I know why zombies are such pissed off jerks ... PEOPLE KEEP INTERRUPTING THEIR SLEEP!!!!  [fyi, the zombies in the "Thriller" video were pissed off because MJ woke them all up because he kept clearing his throat]

I have always said sleep is overrated, because you can function with little sleep.  But that sleep can't be broken into compartments.  It needs to be a steady 2-4 hours.  Now, I'm not upset about a lack of uninterrupted sleep.  It goes with the territory.  However, I have become a lot more crabby lately which is not normal for me unless it was a Monday after a Redskins game for the last 20 years.  I seem to be cussing a lot more now too.  In fact, I was sitting on my couch with Ivana and she was eating some dry cereal in a bowl and she knocked the bowl over and I said in a kind voice, "Ivana".  She interrupted me with two words that would really upset a nun:  God D@mmit!   Oh boy, although funny at the time to hear, it probably wouldn't go down in the "proud moments" list.

With two kids now, we have to find that balance in that we can't let them sleep near each other for fear of one waking the other.  It's a delicate balance where if you screw it up, you end up flipping the channels in the family room with Ivana searching for episodes of "Kipper the Dog" and then stumbling across infomercials for the "Shake Weight".  Oh, I have some funny stories about the "Shake Weight" to tell, but you will have to tune in to the blog.  In fact, I have a lot of catching up to do and I hope you will stick with me.   I promise to do my best to keep you entertained.

(Updated 10/31/10 at 12:09 PM)  I wanted to give a quick "sleep" related story.  Last weekend, Anita and I were watching the updated version of "Robin Hood", the one with the Australian guy doing and English accent as opposed to the Kevin Costner version of an American attempting an English accent for one scene and then giving up.  We fell asleep on the couch about an hour or so into it.  When we woke up, I got up but couldn't feel my right leg, so I stumbled down and almost into the tv because my whole leg had fallen asleep. These are the dangers of sleeplessness.

Fear Not

I wanted to drop everyone a line to let you know that everything is ok.  I also wanted to inform you that new posts will be arriving soon as I have a lot of catching up to do.

No More Drama (crude reference to Lebron James' shameless self promotion will follow)

Inspired by Lebron James' self fellation, and subsequent negative reaction from about 99% of humans (the other 1% being his posse), I have decided to quit faux complaining about a lack of readership and posting as often as I can.   Lebron also made me think that we should have our own one hour specials when we make important choices like:  Where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, which Jersey Housewife to hate, etc.  I think you get my drift.  So, in anticipation of our daughter's birth, we decided to produce a one hour special called "The Chosen", where a panel of celebrity interviewers would pose questions to Anita and I regarding our name choice for our baby girl.  BTW, in case you were wondering, People Magazine won the bidding war to publish the first photos of our daughter.  As some of you may know, the name choice has been a closely guarded secret much like Barack Obama's birth certificate that states that he was born in Hades [according to Sean Hannity], or the "666" birthmark on Karl Rove's left butt cheek, or the true circumstances surrounding Elvis' death (TMD, Too Many Donuts) [according to my older brother].

We chose Barbara Walters, Larry King, Ali G and Howard Stern to conduct the interview/host the show because of their excellent celebrity interviewing abilities.  The transcript will follow in my next post.

Don't You Forget About Me

I don't know where we went wrong.  Maybe it was the time that I pretended like I was quitting the blog for an April Fool's joke.  Or could it have been my lack of updates over the last few months?  Either way, less and less people seem to tuning into the blog.  I confess that it has been discouraging at times, ok, most of the time.  But there are times that I find encouragement, like when I see comments or 1 or >1 LOL ratings.

Anita's due date is coming up and we have decided on the name.  I'm not giving clues or saying anything until the baby arrives.  I mean, you people voted against the "Naming the Baby" reality series.  We still have a lot to do including breaking Ivana's will.  She must sense impending doom and possibly the end of her reign as the benevolent ruler of our household.  She really does keep it real in the suburbs.  But when I say "real" i mean "real" like "Real Madrid" the premier soccer league team.  Yeah, I didn't feel like finding the Spanish accent to put over the "a" in "Real"  Are you tired of all the quotations?  Me too, but I allegedly have readers that are teachers and writers and grammar experts.  Ivana also has molars slowing coming in which lead to many "waking up in the middle of the night for 3 or 4 hours" episodes.

I'm going to leave you with the following offer:
If you promise to keep reading, I promise to keep posting and working hard for the >1 LOL's.

Independent Random Thoughts

Do you think that the whole BP oil spill mess was just a well orchestrated payback from England for the beatdown that we gave them in the Revolutionary War?  Hasheesh, they sure are a bunch of sore losers!

We celebrated Independence Day yesterday with our neighbors and we had fun.  Tonight, the Latino family that lives a house down from us were lighting fireworks in their driveway.  They must have been celebrating Cinco de Julio.

Our relatively new next door neighbors came to the 4th of July celebration.  The wife keeps talking about seeing snakes outside.  I haven't had the heart to tell her that I sometimes like to walk around the house naked.  Yeah, that's not a snake.

Do you ever wish that you could call up fictional TV characters for help?  If I could, I would have CTU Agent Jack Bauer on retainer to put a sleeper hold on Ivana when she refuses to nap.

Sorry for the delay in posting, but things at KIRITS have been pretty depressing.  The Blog is feeling the effects of the struggling economy and there have been many layoffs.  I have been told that if readership and/or followers don't increase, I could lose my job.  

Are we human?  Or are we dancer?

Yeah, that was probably weird, but I kind of love putting semi-annoying songs in people's heads.  I think I could listen to Johnny Cash sing his or any other person's songs.  His cover songs that he did before he died were tremendous.  I think he could have even made Starship's "We Built This City" tolerable to me.

I have received exactly zero questions at realkept@gmail.com.  Throw me a bone please!!!!!

Thoughts While Watching K&KTM With the Wife

Ivana is at my parent's house for the night.  It's our first break in a while.  Guess what we're doing?  We are watching Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami.   It's causing me physical and mental anguish, but I want to spend some time with my wife.  Guys don't normally admit to doing things like watching a painfully bad reality tv show with their spouses and therefore, do not get the well deserved credit for emasculating themselves in such ways.  Right now, Khloe is whining on the phone with Lakers star and her husband, Lamar Odom.  Give me a minute, I need to bang my head against the wall like 47 times.

Anita went to hang out with her mom and sister, so I got to watch the US vs. Ghana World Cup game in peace.  I decided to multi-task and fold the mountain of clothes that had accumulated in the laundry room while watching the game.  It was a painful loss to Ghana, but I am proud of how well the team performed at this World Cup and even more proud of the support they received from people here.  Also, what made the bitter defeat a little better for me was the fact that the dang clothes are folded now.  Is it just me or were you also surprised at the laziness of people from Ghana?  I mean, how long does it take to get up or run to the sideline or throw the ball in or make a goal kick?????  I know, I am a very sore loser.  Forgive me if I ramble, I am having a tough time focusing while hearing things like "I need to get a bikini wax", "it will be fun ripping Khloe's pubes out one at a time" or "Scott gets his ass bleached?"  If I had a gun, I think I would shoot the tv like Elvis.

I mentioned Anita's pregnancy underwear recently, I know, you probably tried to remove the image from your mind.  Me too, but one time, I was at Target and she asked me to buy her a pair of underwear.  I didn't know how to choose, so I tried to take a picture of it with my camera phone.  Unfortunately, as awesome as the Motorola Droid is, it alas, does not have a panoramic view setting.

Anyway, I will try to post again tomorrow, so please read and forward along to others.  I would love to increase the number of followers and readers.  I also encourage you to post questions and comments to realkept@gmail.com.